Archive for October, 2002

fair thee well Pam

Wednesday, October 30th, 2002

The first part of this is a response to a comment recieved by Pam on the last posting. While she has now left the board I feel I still want to address what she said and also in the hope she may sneak back and have a look.
I am sorry you feel the way you do. No one on the board – this “clique” – goes out of thier way to ignore any one. The wonderful thing is that even if you do not get a personal response I can guarentee that you will have allowed people the opportunity to feel thier own personal response. By posting here and people reading it you add to the quality of our lives.
I appologise for not thanking you personally for your posts. They got me thinking, they made me smile and they spurred me on to think and appraise life the universe and every one. You may have noticed that I nor others by any means respond to each and every comment. This is a road journey we are on, sometimes we stop to have a coffee and a chat sometimes we just steam on through.
Regarding this site being the last stop for some people – that has been true in the past and we as community have rallied and supported as best we can when we thought that to be the case. I will certainly take your comments on board. When you say thanks for nothing I feel that we have failed you in some way and I am sorry for that. There is much to offer on this board and there are many people who take pleasure and comfort in only reading this board and never post. It is not a requirement if you read the comments here to post anything. Nor is there a requirement to comment on every single issue raised. The only requirement I would suggest is to enjoy this space. Enjoy reading it if you wish to, enjoy posting to it if you wish to, enjoy being a part of it. Pam You actually fitted in very well, it is a shame you thought other than that and it is our loss that you will chose to no longer be a part of it.
A WARNING…..dont post with expectations! If you want something or need something ASK. If it fits in to this community we will endevour to discuss and contribute as best we can.
A WARNING….TO ME….not every one is going to be happy with me all the time!
So lets open up the floor to comments regarding gripes any one may have about the site. Any one else feeling ignored, short changed….. want me to do different etc
I will read the comments, I may respond, I dont know if I will change though 🙂

Couple of things

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002

Buried my brother two years ago. Certainly better about it but the pain now resides in a smaller room in my heart. Doesnt matter how small the room gets it is still there.
Body and Soul was replaced by a low budget New Zealand reality tv cop show. Yep NZ cops booking people for speeding – riveting stuff and vital to the health and well being of the viewing public. Good news is we are finishing the shoot so as to some how, somewhere bring it to the public. I will bite my tongue as to my thoughts on the care and nurturing that a TV station must need bring to it’s viewing audience no matter how dumb they may think they are – mind you perhaps they reflect how dumb and insecure they are…they certainly keep proving it!!
Channel nines flag ship drama “Young Lions” is apparently rating around 575 000 viewers per week, we rated around 1 000 000 per week….say no more!
Had my numerology done this week mmmmmmm……….things keep coming up with me that I obviously need to address – thats life though isnt it? I am sure the Goddess has something to add to this as must Diane since the Kebbal – please excuse my spelling – has roots in numerology???? What can you tell us?
You know I am not always positive, I am not always upbeat and I am not always serious. There is a negative down beat funny side to me that is kind of appalling…I mean appealing… I am surprised at how many people read this site. I think maybe 75% dont leave messages but read and leave, I am happy this is so, I never wanted a site that no one read, it is important for me to know that some one some where is moved, shocked inspired or at least laughing at something I have said. It is funny though, in shrugging off my annominity and baring my self to you, you hide yourselves yet also arm yourselves with knowledge and that makes me feel even more vulnerable. You know if we were all more out there, gave more of who we were, allowed ourselves to be more vulnerable do you think the world would be a better place? Do you think we would be better off personally for it? I know some people have used my vulnerability for thier own benefit, used it against me to hurt and damage me – I wonder if they ever read my words but stay hidden behind the radiation of thier …
I said hurt and damage me mmmm……… no one can do that to me but me if I allow it! I did then but will not ever again. Ahh we come to the subject of this long diatribe….. BETRAYAL
Who betrayed who? me or you? I hate that question because the victim part of me says you, but the “I” part of me says me. So I must look at the big picture, but I dont want to cos it’s hard and they did betray me, no doubt. Whats harder is to change the pattern so I do not allow any one else to do it again!
My list of betrayers: ME for not supporting me when I needed it most
Me for for not being the fullest me that I can be
My father for deserting me and leaving me – a child to – somehow support my Mum
My Mum for allowing this to happen
My brother for running away and there by adding to my burden of responsibiltiy – when he was 10, and later when he was 36 and killed himself
My uncle and aunt for being manipulative and selfish and failing completely as god parents and brother to my Mum
Mike for wanting to add me to his list of boys
The coolbellup gang who beat me up for being a ballet poof
All the ballet poofs who tried to fuck me because I was a ballet dancer
All the people who sucked me dry to further thier own careers with no thought to mine – CB you were the biggest abuser of this but worse you told me you loved me and then stabbed me in the back to save your face AND blamed me…..where did it get you or Linda or Russel or any one you touched?
Peter for not supporting me through this – sometime youve got to take sides
My wife for the early times
Me for the later times
My dad for still not getting it
My in laws, they will never understand me or my love for thier daughter
My other brother for finding it hard to tell me he loves
To all those who said they loved me whilst they made money from me and dropped me as soon as they couldnt
david who didnt know how to support me when I needed it and ran
Me for not knowing how to ask for support
Chris for not trusting me
Graeme for abusing my talent while using it to strengthen his
I dont know where to start again, how to start again. This wall keeps looming, over powering, I know I can get over it, break through it, I just dont know where to begin! Funny I keep finding myself at this point.
For now my starting point is Tai Ji, my strength is the love and support of my wife and children
The first step….one taken many times before but always the first…