Archive for September, 2003

three years away

Saturday, September 27th, 2003

the phone rings
once
then much later
twice
i wait
darkness fills me
silence
three times
a warm voice
fills my mind
sleepily
dreamily
says hello
i soak
enveloped
my need tight
a bubble breaks
a sound
a sob
my voice?
tight
holding
denying
disbelieving
another sob
darkness surrounds
night
stars
wink out
warmth
gives up
invites the cold
calm
becomes ever still
till nothing
a warm voice
drifts away
memories fade
thoughts dwindle
a sob escapes
the pain of living
pain
held firmly
too firmly
to feel
too firm
to be
true freedom
disallowed
hello?
sleepy
warm
comforting
heat to my lips
blood moving
i’m okay
i’m home
your embrace
love floods
fills
keeps me
i float
my pain
your pain
our pain
diluted
sinks
wrapped again
held
for another time
time
lingers
wafting
smelling of fear
and memories
hello?
reasuring
time is now
memories
drift across
thoughts
feelings
nothing is forever
forever
only you
now
only you
hello
i say
and am safe

note to self

Friday, September 19th, 2003

dear self: i want to remind you of something
self: oh?
dear self: yes, i want you to remember this!
self: oh, yes, yes, i know what you are going to say.
dear self: well i am going to remind you anyway
self: if you must, but i do know what you are going to say and i wasnt going to forget
dear self: i am sure you were’nt but you do have a habit of not remembering things,
self: things?
dear self: things you havent forgotten that arent always remembered.
self: okay, go for it!
dear self: remember when you came back from your trip and you were too tired to do anything
self: i was working, really hard if you remember
dear self: i do remember
self: i was jet lagged too
dear self: are you finished?
self: okay, go on but i know what you are going to say
dear self: remember how in your tiredness you thought you would just take it easy
self: yes
dear self: sit at the bar and chat with friends over a beer till late at night
self: yes
dear self: and on the way home try not to stress yourself out and just grab a burger and fries for dinner
self: yes
dear self: and wash it down with a beer from the fridge
self: yeah yeah, now your getting boring
dear self: is remembering boring?
self: well this is
dear self: you dont want to remember this?
self: i dont like remembering this
dear self: that is why i am reminding you
self: so i dont forget
dear self: no, so you dont hide it from yourself, you always do that. the stuff you dont like but cant forget you hide away never to be remembered unless someone forces you to or somehow you manage to prick yourself upon a memory while wandering around inside your thoughts
self: okay prick me, but i do remember this
dear self: for now you do
self: yes
dear self: good, remember how many beers you had on that monday
self: um, seven
dear self: good, remember how many beers you had on that saturday
self: twelve
dear self: and how many shots
self: it was only two
dear self: yes it was only two
self:you know your embarassing me talking about this here in front of everyone
dear self: do you want to tell me how much you weighed when you finally dragged yourself to the gym
self: why dont you remember
dear self: yes i do
self: okay okay, so i let myself go, i was missing my family and i was kind of lost and bored and …you know… and hey that other night at steamworks, i only went there to taste those two beers and the fact that i was recognised and bought all those other beers wasnt planned you know
dear self: i know
self: it was kinda nice too, being recognised by four different groups of people you know, bought beers and meeting them and talking to them
dear self: getting pissed with them
self: no, your wrong there, i wasnt pissed, i only got pissed when i had that bottle of beer at home with my hamburger and fries
dear self: mmm, didnt feel kinda nice the next day
self: body didnt, ego did. look what do you want?
dear self: to remind you of the dangers of not remembering
self: mmm
dear self: how much did you weigh
self: two hundred and one pounds
dear self: and now after five days of gyming, no burger and fries and four days of not drinking your beloved
self: one hundred and ninety five
dear self: dont forget
self: what do you mean i already told you i remember
dear self: dont forget how good you feel by hiding behind how bad you feel
self: perhaps your the one that needs some help
dear self: sure i am open to that
self: yeah good, um, okay, i wont hide
dear self: good
self: thanks for the heads up
dear self: no probs
self: okay then
dear self: so what are you going to do now
self: i dunno, might go have a beer 🙂
dear self: have you done your gym today
self: yep
dear self: okay, well i might come with you, do you mind
self: ah, no, sure come along
dear self: just keep an eye on ya
self: i will remember
dear self: i know

dreams for dreamers

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

The man who dreams of nothing
has nothing but dreams
The man who acts on his dreams achieves his goals
has an abundance of the stuff of his dreams
and importantly endless more dreams to dream
The man who does not act
eventually dreams of disenchantment
until finally
hope is lost and he dreams no more
and worse
he loses faith in the abundance that is he himself

How Lucky Am I

Wednesday, September 10th, 2003

Today is my Daughters birthday. Well tomorrow here in Canada but today in Australia. Yes my one time baby – Elise – is now 14 years old!!
I am so very lucky with all of my children and also with my wonderful wife but for now – as it is Elise’s birthday I am going to speak of her.
She is tall and straight, with a cheeky glint in her eye
She is strong and dignified,
She speaks from the heart and embraces honesty
She is at once humble and grateful
but doesnt mind to express herself with the occassional tantrum
which are truly beautiful to behold
Her words are true
Her heart is big
Her cuddles are great
She is beautiful too
and smart
I am very proud of her
for she is a wonderful person whom I learn much from
and share much with
We have laughed and cried together
we have explored and grown
we share
we are journeymen of the best kind
for we are friends.
I love her deeply
and try very hard to let her go so she may grow
but it is not always easy – is it my sweet?
I am so lucky to have this time with her
and I thank the powers that be
and more importantly
you – Elise
for being the wonderful you
you be
Happy Birthday!!!!!
love
Dad
xo

Glad To Be Sad

Sunday, September 7th, 2003

Met with the director of the Full Monty today – Matt. The show is playing here in Vancouver and I went to see it on Thursday night. The director is in town and we met for a chat. He took me backstage and we looked at the sets and talked about the show. We stood together in the middle of the stage and gazed out into the empty auditorium and I could feel the eyes of 1000 invisible people watching in anticipation and joy, and heard them whispering thier expectation.
I enjoyed the show very much and am in fact going to see the matinee that starts in about one hour. One scene however was a bit difficult to watch. For those who havent seen the show they have a number called Big Ass Rock. It is sung when Gerry and Dave come across a car with the exhaust hooked up into the window and the character of Malcom is in the car trying to end his life. Of course the scene is funny and the song they sing is about how friends who care about each other would help another friend kill themself. They talk about dropping an anvil on thier head. Using a bat, a rope a rock… It’s also funny because Gerry keeps calling Malcom Michael or Micky…
So those of you who know me would know my brother Michael gassed himself in his car out the back of the house he shared with my Mum. It’s almost three years ago now but still feels like yesterday.
I sat in the auditorium, laughed sometimes and cried sometimes during this number. Time goes on, wounds heal, pain lessens but the pocket of sadness that forever resides in my heart occassionaly spills open. Some things you cannot escape and it behooves no one to hang on to those experiences that are horrible and best left to float away. This scene was interesting in that it confonted me fair and square and I experienced both the horror and the humour of the moment. I think I will warn my Mum about this scene. She is a strong woman but sometimes her pocket of sadness is unbareably heavy, for it is that of a Mothers loss.
The Director and I went for coffee and talked about the show etc, it was good to see him again and make some kind of a connection – the beginnings of a connection. I have said I will cook him a turkey on the Weber for thanksgiving which he and his fellow cohorts will have in Melbourne during rehersals. We are both really excited about the show and what the cast of Aussies will bring to it. We are a different kettle fish us Aussies!!
When we parted company Matt told me of an experience years earlier where he stood on a stage and felt the eyes and heard the whispers and thought to himself – yes this is where I want to be.
Yes, I know that moment. We shook hands acknowledging that shared moment and bonding us to the excitment of the journey ahead.

Good to be Happy

Monday, September 1st, 2003

I was doing a radio interview the other day as part of my press tour for the Full Monty with Ernie Sigley. At the end of the interview Ernie said it was good to see me happy. I had spoken to Ernie a few months earlier when I was not so happy, still working as a computer salesman and wondering what was going to happen next.
So now I am happy. It is wierd you know. I am happy, I can feel it in my bones, I can feel it in the spring in my step, I can feel it in my more confident approach to each day and to life in general. It’s weird because over the last few years I have fought to be happy, I have struggled to find that happy place with in me. I have meditated, read and written in attempts to purge my unhappiness and tried very very hard to come to grips with being happy. It was tough and I dont think I actually succeeded in the way I wanted. I had moments of happy but generally surrounded by large moments of anxiousness and non happiness.
I dont know why I feel surprised at how easy it feels to be happy, perhaps because I know how hard it is to be not happy. Being happy feels like I have just had a wonderful full body massage and all my anxiety has been rubbed away never to return. It also feels like it is going to last for a while.
So YES, things are good at the moment. I am working in an environment I love, I have a job and I also have another job after this one. I could find things to be not so happy about but what a watse of time that would be. Things arent perfect but then I dont believe perfect exists so I dont know why I would look for things to be perfect. It doesnt actually stop me from striving for perfection which is – as I have said before – where perfection does exist.
I may be feeling complete because I have just seen my beautiful wife Andrea and my wonderful girls Elise, Emily and Erin. I my be feeling happy because I have just finished the press launch fo The Full Monty and done heaps of press where people still seemed interested in me. It has been a long time since I have felt genuinely excited about something that I know is going to happen. Complete. I feel complete and am looking forward to the journey ahead because I know I am going to grow and if possible – and it is – be and evolve into even more completeness.
Now I am sounding weird but I did tell you it is weird. What I am doing is sharing my inside feelings with you and I am happy for the fact that after years of struggle together I can express my joy with you. I can tell you – I am happy, and it feels good.
And for now I am going to enjoy it.