Archive for November, 2003

life and death

Friday, November 21st, 2003

you know I think about life a lot. Life, living, experiencing, the journey. The fine art of balancing want with need with fear with joy with innocence and with knowledge. no easy combintaion even on a good day. Good days bad days they are one in the same for they are living. I was riding my motorcycle into work yesterday and feeling really good about life. I was thinking about how good it is when things are good. The leaves on the trees are greener, the dirt smells fresher the sun radiates a positiveness that belies the difficulties of life but who cares, things are good. Even the shit on your shoes doesnt smell as bad! You can deal so much better with the stuff of life and the stuff that life throws at you. it is such a great feeling, a liberating feeling but part of me asks is it real. Okay I am euphoric, things are good and so I think about the balance of life and how I am in it and also how all of you guys are in it. I look too at the guys I am now working with, the balance the harmony of thier spirits. The ups and downs.
So I was riding to work feeling pretty good about life and as I approached my place of work I saw a guy lying in the middle of the road. He had been hit by a van and was lying thier, broken, not moving. People hovered by him, held him as best they could. My thoughts of life were broken by the balance of what life really is. It is a journey into the unkown, although the only absolute given is death. I dont mean to be morbid for I am after all telling THE truth for it is the greatest truth that is. Dying is perhaps what we humans do best but perhaps that is a bit on the morbid side. I cant help but think to live is to die and to die is to live. – that thought scares me though.
If life is supposed to be a positive experience so then shouldnt also be death? All too often it just seems a waste. Death is a waste and a life half lived (to borrow a phrase) is that also.
My friend Richard died today. His life was certainly worth more than his death. You see his death seems to me to be a waste. He was a good man, a genuine man. A man with love in his heart and a will to be free with his love and his life. He was generous of spirit but loved a good deal. He had a cheeky smile and attitude to life which immediately attracted people to him. He sang bloody well too. I know he loved me and I him and that is no small thing.
Sadly no more will we hear his voice or his laughter. Death is such a waste hey? He leaves behind him two sons and lots of friends. He was so pleased for me when I got the Full Monty and I was so looking forward to him coming to the show.
Life scare me a bit. I will dedicate my first show to those that arent here. My Brother, my friend Russel and now to Richard. It would seem as I get older the theatre is starting to fill up with those that are no longer here. There are plenty of living people embracing the joys of breath and sun and sea to entertain to sing to and dance for but it is somehow the ones who arent here that push me to live harder and to love harder, for I miss them, and they remind too often that living in the face of our mortality is pehaps the greatest challenge we face.
Living and dying. Two seemingly opposite ideas that in fact encompass the one act of being.
see ya richard
ps dying is no answer to the problems of living!

Stepping Out

Monday, November 17th, 2003

Yes, today is the day I step out into that zone, that place that I have not been before – well I go there quite often it would seem – and that is my discomfort zone. Today I go there in the form of the first day of rehearsals for The Full Monty – hence the never been there before line.
I say discomfort as in stepping out of my comfort zone but right now I feel as if I am about to put on an old glove. I am excited (kept waking up all night with the music buzzing around my head). It has been a long time coming these rehearsals and I have been nervous, anxious and then finally as they loomed ever closer EXCITED. It feels right, it feels good, I am going to let it all hang out (so to speak and I guess literally by the end of the run) I am going to have fun! So…. off I go with a big smile on my dial – you can see it from where you are sitting cant you? – and I shall be taking you guys along on the journey. Yep I will do my best to post as often as I can snippets of the process and progress.
Time to put the dancing shoes on. Today we are starting with a singing rehearsal for Michael Jordans Ball and then in the arvo we are doing the dance rehearsal for that same number.


Saturday, November 8th, 2003

Virus’s been rife of late. The kids were all sick but thankfully and as they always do – got better. Wish I could say the same for my computer!!! Riddled with germs, spyware, malware and a virus or two for good measure. Cant get rid of them all so am going to wipe the drive and start again.
Paul the Small?? LOL had to laugh at the apologies from some people who felt bad that I was endowed with such a name meaning…. small package. Oh! – Paul means small!! Not small package so please do not be worried for me:)! If you take a look at what is happening in the world of technological and spiritual advancement for that matter it is all about quarks and nanotechnology and small steps etc etc Small is good after all – good things come in small packages….mmmmm I may leave it at that!
Suddenly my teenage daughter has decided to become a teenage daughter!!! She is absolutely wonderful but I am starting to get a glimpse of what the next few years of teenagerhood is about to deliver to my and my wifes life!!! She has decided she should be treated more like an adult which at very nanosecond like moments she acts accordingly but basically she is a 14 year old embracing life to it’s fullest – good for her but I am going to have to hang on for the ride. Looking for a good book or maybe a councilor to give me some tools to help gguide me through the ups and downs I am about to embrace.
Did a strip for about 2000 slightly happy (eniebriated) women at a special function the other day. Not just me on my own but with the other Full Monty boys. It was quite a lot of fun and believe me when the shirts came off the women become rather vocal about thier appreciation. It was like how you see in the movies when the girls get all loud and excited by the male strippers!!!
Start rehearsals in a week. First going up to Sydney to do press and the launch for the Sydney season. Doing lots of press – nice to be in focus again.
Been singing my heart out around the house lately. My teenage daughter said to my wife – “hey Mum Dad’s sounding really good” That is a great booster to the confidence. It is always the most challenging to do my stuff at home in front of my family. If I can do that and they think I sound good then I reckon I can do anything.
Time seems to have grown shorter of late, if you know what I mean. More to do, more wanting to do but time just seems to have stretched within itself and sucked up any spare bits of itself leaving me holding a washing basket full of things to do but no time to do them. I’ve never been good at time management but I am working on it I just wish I had the time to put it together!!
Speaking of which – my middle daughter is having 16 friends over for a little birthday bash today and I have to mow the lawn, clean the garage and prepare the food all in the next three hours – oh yeah I have to do some excercise, practise my singing , finish my tax, do my brewing course, kiss my wife, book Mum’s flight for xmas, put my clothes away, unpack my bags from the holiday we took last weekend, work on the business plan, design the beer label, shop for the dinner tonight, arrange the meeting with my investor, catch up with Ben, call Tony re Sydney meeting, thank Michelle for her call and then relax a bit before the kids arrive for the party!
See what I mean?
Oops I forgot to mention sign the photos and send them off – they are sitting here on the floor waiting…. I think I am going to jump on the trampoline with my youngest who is currently beseeching me to do so