Archive for September, 2010

no illusions

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

I stand before the giant
my back is straight
my chest puffed out
I have no illusions
you only lose
when you give up

too quiet

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

the day was too quiet
no one nagging me
asking for a driving lesson
telling me what do
controlling the remote control
the day was too quiet
the wife drove me mad
I drove me mad
rolling my thumbs waiting for
hoping someone would call
the day was too quiet
but we got through it now
we got through it somehow
blindly, madly excruciatingly sadly
tomorrow we will handle badly
the day was too quiet
and so too will be tomorrow
the sound of laughter has dried up
the constant echo of life
bounces now only once
christ they have only gone for a holiday
imagine how we will be when they go forever
but then this is the virgin moment
the first time and no return
once done yesterday will never be the same

Interesting Times

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

What a very interesting time I am in. A very strange time. There are all sorts of eddies whirling around my universe, the air perpetually smells of storms coming – not bad storms just storms of uncertaintly. It is a bit the same when you first smell spring on the air, with it comes promise of warmth and lazy days and certain knowing of what lies ahead. These storms provide no knowing except for the fact that they are coming.
My daughter turned 21 last week! 21??! I still remember her tiny little person laying on my chest sleeping comfortably. The innocence, the laughter, the tantrums not much has changed although now she is as tall as me and she is wonderful. I am sending her away for her birthday, well actually I raided my piggy bank and gave her all the money I had there to buy her and her sister tickets to go overseas for a couple of weeks. Only a couple of weeks as she has chronic fatigue and more than that will be a huge challenge it will be challenge enough as it is but she needs to get out and see a bit of the world. So Elise and Emily who is 18 are off on a plane today bound for London for a week and then Paris for a week and then home changed people and the better for it.
Erin ther 14 year old sisiter is very sad for it highlights how close they are and how much she will miss them it is also the begining of the next round of life lessons – the ones we dont want to face but have been working towards since they were born – that is leaving the nest. Emily will quite likely be off next year chasing her dreams to be a musical theatre star living away from home attending a university with the appropriate course. We would love Elise to move out and chase her dreams only because that would mean she would have all of her health back and she would be doing what a young lady likeher should be doing – that is flying high and making her mark on the world. But all that leaves Erin at home – hard for the youngest times like these.
The wife turned 50 a couple of weeks ago – and let me just tell you she looks fantastic!! She doesnt like getting older – who does – but the fact is we are so we may as well enjoy it. Never thought I would be married to a 50 year old chick though!
As for me the storms are getting closer the smell of metal in the air is thick with possibilities. Perrhaps I will be struck by lightening and there rise from my ashes of the past like a phoenix reborn. Perhaps it is time?

Stupid Laws

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

I am teaching Emily how to drive at the moment and she is doing very well. Unfotunately the rules for learners here in Aus say they must complete 120 hours of driving before they can sit their test so if you can manage to do three one hour lessons per week it will take you 40 weeks to get the hours up!! We do not manage 3 hours per week!
I think the reason behind the law is good however I think 60 hours of driving experience is more than enough. This law disadvantages kids with two parents that work full time and or single parent families. Imagine if you didnt have any one to take you driving and you had to pay a professional business to teach you at $35 per lesson = $4200!!!! What 17 year old can afford that.
I reckon 40 hours plus a driver training course where you learn how your car reacts when it skids out on wet surfaces, emergency braking, high speed cornering and the dangers of etc Education is the key not 120 hours of highway driving with no reverse parking and emergency techniques!!
Some times I wish law makers would actually stop and think, they really could do so much better and be so much more productive for the greater community.

Forward to the past

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

or back to the future? no definatley forward to the past for I have been here many times and I dislike it all the more for arriving at this very point again, agian.
I am wondering how long I can hold my breath and the answer is not long enough
I ask how much longer must I tread water and the answer is 275 and a half feet deep and how long can you hold your breath
Why does it seem that I am always in a rush to get back to here when I have worked so hard to get away from here
well not in a rush but dragged silently back by forces unknown and certainly unwelcome
it is sunny outside and yet it is raining within
i am angry standing in this place i once was and am yet again, again
yet again

I dont care….

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

I was walking down the street the other day and as I walked past a father walking with his two sons – both of which were probably under 6, I heard the dad say to one of his sons in a rather stern voice “I Dont Care”
and I got to wondering about how damaging that statement can be.
Especially to a young mind coming from the person who is your hero and your protecter.
Now I dont know if the dad had asked the son to put his coat on and the child may have said he didnt want to, to which his dad replied “I dont care”….. but the finality of the statement, the fact the dad doesnt care about how his son feels or what his son is thinking kind of hit home. It happened about a week ago and writing about it now I realsie that I was hurt by what I heard, hurt because for many years my dad didnt care about me. He does now but the little boy inside of me still remembers the feeling, the hurt and the loss of not being protected, the loss of not having a dad that cared.
Funny how things pop up isnt it?
I have used this statement twice – actually far more than twice but under and for the same two circumstances. The first is with my girls when they would want to stay up late and watch a TV show, or go to a party , or do something that all their friends were doing so they would always say to me but dad all the girls in my class watch this show/are going to the party/are doing it to which I would reply “I dont care” I think it was a good and proper use of the term for it sucked any power away from their argument because they understood what I meant. They hated it too because they almost never won the debate once I uttered the phrase – almost never. I dont care meant – and they understood this – that I care about my girls not about what their friends or the group of girls at school were doing.
And this is what struck me when I heard that dad on the footpath utter the phrase – there was no back up or intention, he truly didnt care. I slowed my walk down and listened for a few seconds to what might be said by way of qualify why he didnt care or what it was he was not caring about but there was nothing.
The other way I have used the phrase is as a disaramament to caring too much or in fact about caring about the wrong thing. This one is a little gray in what it does and I only played with the phrase in this way for a couple of weeks before I came to the conclusion that it actually disempowered me rather than disarm that which I sought to protect my self from.
Part of the problem is how it effected other people. In a work environment if you utter the phrase “I dont care” they hear it as a surrender and a weakness. And eventually they start not to care either BUT they start not to care about you because when you work in a team and utter the phrase, you are saying you dont care about them. That is what the dad said to his son – I Dont Care (about you)
I do Care