Paul's Corner

Sometimes God does leave us momentarily and all there is is the blackness of what we are without hope or peace or laughter or light. We struggle against it all our lives and sometimes we never get it back. Sometimes we do.

I have been struggling with that for a few years now ever since I found out my husband was having an affair in my eighth month of pregnancy. He stood there smiling when I confronted him and announced to me that he had never really loved me and he felt better getting it all out finally and he was leaving. The day I went into labor he came to the hospital and stood there telling me how much better he felt about himself and how in love he was with "her" and how much better everything would be for me too, now that I was free to love again.

I am still mad at God. I feel nothing a lot of the time. I am tired of asking why and I don't want anyone's pity. I am angry. I am SO angry. What to do with all the anger? I wish I had a ditch to dig so I could go to bed tired enough to sleep and not think about everything. The only thing that keeps me near the light are my girls. I hear them playing and laughing not knowing how black and ugly the world can be. "There is a light above my head". It takes so much energy to stay angry you know? Maybe laziness will save me in the end. Ironic. When my friends are mad about something I tell them, "You don't know anger friend", but we all have our private sorrows and there is no measure for pain.

So dig your ditch and wail at the sky. Get on your bike and ride and ride and ride. Go through the motions until it all comes full circle and you can feel again. Tonight after your children have fallen asleep go and listen to them breathe.

I have no pity or shoulder to offer because I am angry too but maybe knowing someone out in the world knows what it feels like to be so low will make being angry not such a lonely place to be, because take it from one who knows, anger is a very lonely place.

A Friend

You know, I am not trying to be facetious or any such thing (especially something I cannot spell) but I guess we have to decide what makes our lives a success. I don't speak from experience cause I certainly don't know but to have a loving partner, and children - in some peoples eyes a human being couldn't be more successful than that and yet we always still want more. I'm not making judgements...I'm not in a position to, I believe it's just about equating what makes us happy and sometimes we miss some of the most important things that are right in front of us because we are so busy chasing clouds.

Please don't be offended by my message - that is not my intention. I understand anger. I have yet to find happiness and a sense of belonging. Look to those closest to you for your sense of self.

Angela

Paul,
I'm sorry. I hoped for you to hear good news. I don't know what else to say.I know what it feels like to want to be creative and no matter how good you are and how talented you are, not one person will give you the chance. The life of an actor is not easy. It's hard and life isn't always fair. But remember it isn't easy being a dancer either. You got though that career and I'm sure it wasn't always standing O's and flowers. No one knows enough to be negative. We all have our set backs and problems. Stop only being a actor to yourself, that is not the only thing that defines you. Here is a suggestion of what to do right now while you are upset. This always works for me. Listen to the song, Watch the movie or dance performance that inspired you to be the person and performer you are today. It will remind you of why you chose this hard and often unrewarding career. Paul, you inspire me as a dancer, now as an actor, and as a person. You are a great guy.
Hope your feel better soon
Marie

Ok, now I am starting to feel a little sorry for myself that I HAVEN'T had this Anger ensconse me (I know, it's nothing to envy, but bear with me)...I've not been the one that a family is relying on solely, I've never been so taken aback by a situation, by a tragedy, such as others have, that would give me a "chance" to or just plummet me "down" into that feeling. I wonder why?

Perhaps I am not "allowed" to feel Anger that deeply? Perhaps I am not made of tough enough stuff to recover from that? Would I just get swallowed up by it and self-destruct? Why CAN'T I feel that strongly? Surely, I feel love and compassion AS strongly...I'm an Empath, for pity's sake, I can FEEL what you are feeling, I can KNOW what is the problem within, yet I am not allowed to feel that darkly, that blackly, for some reason. I can skirt about it's edges, but I can't go "in". I am not allowed.

You, Paul, are allowed. (not in the judgemental, "we" your public give you "permission" to feel this or that, none of that nonsense), yet the Light you are, can swing both ways. Darkness..yup, got that one down pat, now would Life lighten the frick up on this poor soul, please???

Why is it, that some are "allowed" this nasty, bitter, dank, feeling, while others are not? The ones who DO find it, sometimes do not come out, obviously. What is it about MY job, here this time around, that won't let me go there? If I fear it, then it has power over me. I don't like that.

I grieve for you, Paul, and you too, R.R. although you both are able to talk about it, which is huge in itself.

Mountain and ant...hmm. Guess the ant just has to breathe itself larger than the mountain in certain circumstances.

Love and Light (both white and dark)
Dhiana

Hey there Paul,

You have every damned right to be angry! It's a tough road you walk as an actor - the toughest career I could ever envision! Like you mentioned before - Faith is like a stripper - it's hard to switch bad and forth from a great acting job to digging ditches. There are times when you have to re-examine faith, and make sure there is nothing else that might make you happy.... You are incredibly talented and we have faith in you - and would hate the thought of not being able to catch future performances, but we also want you to be happy.

I'm glad that you have other passions - maybe they will take you to a career that you love? Beer, cooking - publishing a cookbook! Wow! I can't wait to read it. (My husband's passion is beer brewing, so I know he'll want to get ahold of the book when it's out.) Ever thought of opening a brew pub? You have the beer and food expertise, and a following of fans that would love to see it be a success!

Maybe digging will be a good time to think.

Sending lots of good thoughts to you!

Shannon

Dhiana again...

Ok, what's up with this...my husband TOO is a Brewaholic. He and his friend are total miscreants, down in the basement, skulking back and forth up the stairs for yet ANOTHER ingredient from my pantry.

Mulberry Mead was their claim to local fame last year. Yule brought that supply right down to the scrugs in the bottom of the carboy. (SPeaking of, at this moment, I have a 40gal. carboy stewing and brewing in my kitchen corner...still. It WAS cider, in October...and there is no way in God's Green Earth that he is making me taste that stuff as I think I see things doing the back-float in there.

Hmmm...alms from the Earth to nourish and please. Hmmm, I say again.

Dhiana

Why has God forsaken you? He hasn't. He never has. He never will. He set your feet on a path you are walking. As others have said, maybe the digging will give you time to hear His answer. To know His will for your life this point forward.

It's terribly hard to hear His voice when you're in the midst of confusion -- why give me an audition if You're not going to give me the job? why release the DVD for which I will not be paid for my participation? how are my children to eat?

You're angry? Be angry. Let it out. Vent to us, to the world. But get it out so you don't block yourself from the next opportunity.

As Marie so wisely suggested, go back, revisit the inspiration that set you on this path. That should help you find the way again.

God humbles us to make us stronger, not to weaken. If people recognize you, isn't that a good thing? They'll know you are not defeated. That you know how to give as well as take. Isn't that all that God asks of us?

Our best wishes go with you wherever you place your very talented feet. Be well. Be strong.

And, please, never, never, never give up. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

JozieLee

I'm not a very deep person and I like to cut to the chase, so this is what I have to say:

This is kind of an obvious, "duh" thing to say, but sometimes all you CAN do is literally yell and scream at God. (He can take it!) TELL him how mad you are!!! Besides, your family may get tired of hearing you complain. (I know mine does!)

Jan

I just wanted to say thank you to Dhiana for those sympathetic thoughts but as Paul said, "Remember I am just venting here". Same goes for me although I fully appreciate what you have to say. Ultimately, as a wise woman once said, "Tomorrow is another day." Thanks again Dhiana. You sound like a very nice and caring person....:-)

Dearest Paul,

I am so very sorry.

I realize nothing we say can lessen the disappointment or the frustration you are feeling.

I wish there was something we could all do to make things work out as you would like them to. I wish we fans could have some measure of influence over ensuring your job security. How terrible to feel so powerless as we do! I wish we could change the outcome from that audition for you. But alas... I wish, I wish, I wish...

Good luck at work -- at the homeless shelter and at the school.

Your fans are supporting you in all you, all of the time.

And I'm so sorry for the wound left behind by the loss of your brother.

Love, health, and happiness, to you and yours.
Orlando, Florida, USA

Dear Paul,
I have a short message...as a senior citizen I
have learned it is not what you know, but who you
know that may help you. I suggest you get in
contact with Tara Morice...I believe you
know how to contact her. Craig Pearce is going to
write the screenplay for Jennifer Lopez's new flick, "Carmen." Does Tara know your situation?
Perhaps she should, and maybe she could be of
some help. (After all, 10 years ago, didn't you
take her on as a partner, teach her to do the
rhumba and paso doble, and make her fall in love
with you?)

Keep your chin up...we're thinking of you!
Love, Mildred Levine ellmill@gate.net

We don’t get past feelings except through experiencing them. And we all have our dark days. So go ahead and vent. You are entitled to your disappointment.

"Every act of creation is first an act of destruction." — Pablo Picasso

The cycle of life is creation and destruction. I think we can all go through deconstruction and recreation of ourselves many times in one lifetime if we are willing to experience some pain to become more of who we truly are. There have been times in my life when I’ve felt as though I was dying from the inside out by degrees. One episode years ago sent me into a deep depression that required medication. As I recall, that downward spiral occurred because I let one negative thought feed on the next and so on, instead of allowing internal change to flow. Over time, those unhappy, confused periods have been less frequent and less intense. I don’t deny them and I don’t fight them. I just accept that they are a part of life and that they’ll lead me to a better place. They always do.

So while you wait for the clouds to lift, you are doing decent, honorable work and your efforts are making life better for other people. Who cares what other people think about your physical labors? Side jobs are a part of life for many actors. I have actor/dancer friends who teach Pilates, build cabinets, and design and install sound systems, among other things, for income and to keep themselves busy while they wait for the next job. All professions seem pretty unstable these days, but actors are still in the thick of it.

What does your L.A. agent say about opportunities over here for you? This may not be the greatest city on earth. We do have our problems, as do all metropolitan areas. But there are places here where you can raise kids safely. We live in an area that is 1.5 hours or less from the beaches, mountains/snow, desert, and cultural centers.

What about writing about your life to date — an autobiography to include some of your best poems and which could give context to your poetry? Just a thought.

I agree with Jan that screaming at God is totally okay. That’s why I attend a Reform Jewish temple where arguing with God is an art form, as opposed to Catholicism where you can’t even cross your legs for fear of making the Blessed Virgin cry. Gimme a break!

Continued good wishes to you and yours,

Diane

Hallo, Paul --

How upset you must be. We're totally saddened by the latest news. Whoever said life sometimes isn't fair only has part of it right... the fact is, life is not fair. It's never been fair, nor has it ever been easy.

The worst part of it is that we humans are not privy to the grand design of the universe, so we couldn't possibly understand why it's not fair, or if there's a reason for things. Sometimes we have order in our lives, and sometimes chaos reigns supreme. Who knows why?

Please know that you are not alone in your anger and frustration -- we're all angry, too. This is bad news that upsets us all beyond belief.

Wishing you all the best luck as you move ever forward and ever onward,
Eric and Christina
NY, NY

Hello,Paul,
I am sorry things did not work out the way you had hoped, feel free to yell at anyone you like, if it helps.
I have no words of wisdom, but I wanted to say I was in a terrible mood tonight...then watched Ballroom Dancing, and I feel so much better!
Your performance is a gift you gave me and millions of others, and I'm sure you will share it with us all again...if that's what you want to do.
Hugs,
deltalady

I just read on and saw the stuff about the DVD three pack...are those people INSANE!
I cannot believe that crap! You are that movie, and make no mistake about it. Well, no one claimed the world makes sense, good thing too.
deltalady

hello Paul,
about a month ago I started posting here...I wrote some things that seemed pretty depressing...and some things that showed a small glimmer of hope I had for myself...I cannot really begin to impart to anyone how LOW I was when I was writing then....I couldn't get out of bed...(my computer was in bed with me)...I was fighting a virus that was so awful that the glands in my neck were swollen enough to keep me from opening my mouth much wider than to allow percoset and wine (it got better)...I was depressed in a way that made wish I could spend the rest of my days in such a state...I was afraid I was not going to get where I had spent nearly 12 years planning to be...go back and read my first e-mail...trust me it was tempered...I felt much, much worse...did I mention then that my mother (who had spent those 12 years with me, pushing me to get where I was going) was not the slightest bit proud that I actually go tmy degree? I posted my excited "I graduated" message when I felt as though no one cared at all....maybe complete strangers would get a kick out of my joy....someone should have....Dhiana was more excited for me than my mother was (I cannot tell you how appreciated her encouragement was).
My point is....VENT all you want. Be angry, self effacing, self righteous, and hurt.....its a process and a necessary one. You have to run the gamut of emotions every once in a while or you never live at all. Anyone who is always positive cannot know the joy of positivity. (thank you taoism for that gem of a concept)...In times like these be a hedonist...do what makes you feel good...do it alot! Feeling better will not come so easily, rejection just plain sucks (especially when some deep down traitorous part of you suggests that you deserved it). I wish I could tell you how to feel better. However, you don't need the answer yet and I do not have it to give. Just wallow for a while and sooner or later you'll realize that you have less and less to wallow in.....

a little piece of my heart is yours tonight, Paul...let it comfort you, amuse you, infuriate you, or bore you....whatever feels best.

I remain,
Sarah

Paul,

I’m sorry to hear about the disappointment. There are no words to express what rejection feels like (besides it sucks). Especially when it feels like they are wholly rejecting you. It’s times like that which you are experiencing now – which usually cause me to grumble a long list of profanity (I’m a writer so that list can get long, but they’re just words and you give them whatever power you want. Said properly any word can sound profane.) When I was younger I used to have to go to calls for shows, and all they ever did was look at your book and ask you to “walk” and you’d get a thank you. It was all about “your look” and the minute I quit that circuit, agents weren’t interested in anything about me, unless I was interested in getting back to 100 pounds and back on the runway.

In any case, when it rains it pours. I have so much work going on right now that I spent the “holiday weekend” working at the Hospital, and just got back to checking the corner today. I’ve been at work since 7:00am and just got home a little while ago (it’s about 11:00pm now). I’ve been spending my days writing reports, copy editing manuscripts and writing grant proposals for cancer research money. I HATE pimping my abilities to pay the bills, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

I know the Agency your agent is with, I will contact her as soon as I have some actual time. I would like to actually rework a few parts of the script a bit first before I send it to her. I need to get it registered, not having an agent myself I do need to be careful about who it gets sent to. I have a friend (who mostly does commercial work) who is dying to get his hands on a couple of my scripts, he has a small (teeny) production company which has produced a few TV pilots and a feature I’ll keep you posted if he gets anything going on soon. You know you have actually accomplished quite a bit actually having an agent in LA, I’ve lived here all my life and I still don’t have a literary agent. It is a total catch-22, you can’t get a script or manuscript read without representation, and no one will represent you unless you already have work or have a book published – it is maddening.

Anyway – I usually go into the garage and kickbox the crap out of the bag when I feel as frustrated and disgusted by my work, and my inability to change my situation. I could easily drink the issue into oblivion, but that is just too counterproductive. I like your ant analogy – I think we are both ants, we’re just looking for the mountain, I know we can move the fargin’ thing, if we can find it!

Scream, bitch, vent, fight – DANCE! Whatever, I always feel better after venting, luckily I have some great friends who I can vent to about just about anything. Also fortunately/unfortunately I’ve been too busy to have a good vent session.
C’est la vie, c’est la guerre, c’est la pommes de terre…

Take care,

Charlie

Well hey Paul
I’ve been reading all the postings for the past few days (Strictly Ballroom was shown on TV in England a week or so ago – did you notice the sudden upsurge in contact from your English fan base?) and very much enjoyed being a passive reader but for some strange reason I feel compelled to respond. A strange and mystical force at work in the universe? Or maybe it’s just a quiet lull here at work where my PC is – ssssh don’t tell anyone.

My only Tip for the Day is don’t try to talk positive if you’re not feeling it. For me, lots of ranting (away from the delicate ears of minors, of course) is a very necessary part of working out what I feel and what I want and what I need to do about it. The bigger the change, the more ranting required. A good dose of negativity also has the useful quality of stopping one from being so Pollyanna-ish all the time that everyone else feels uncomfortable/inadequate/nauseous.
(Good justification!)

Demanding physical activity is my other temporary quick-fix to clear my own head or avoid breaking others. Did a day digging ditches help with some of the anger and frustration at your current situation? If not, I swear by going for a swim – a really long, long swim. Followed by a beer of course.

Or there’s chocolate, but that may only work if you’re female.

Thinking of you and wishing you well
Lesley

P.S Apart from your own writing, I’ve particularly enjoyed reading Sarah’s. She talks a lot of sense! Hi Sarah –ever thought about taking up writing professionally?

Paul,
"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" and "Never to expect anything because that way you won't be as dissappointed" what I was told when I wasn't going through such a happy time in my life.
Easy enough to say, but when you put your hopes on something and feel really confident about it, it's hard not to. Life's unfair.
I'm sure you have the support from your wife, family and friends.
You know you will have more opportunities, like this one, some you'll fail and some you'll succeed, inevitable in the life of an actor.
Getting to the next step of coming through this one, and onto your next audition.
I can't say I've been through what you have, and as someone older with more experience than myself, you know how to cope and move on to the next.
I send you my support for the future.
Merissa

Hi Paul

I'm sending out the best thoughts I can to you from the UK.
Things will get better - you have so much to offer the world and we shall not be denied.

Blessed be!

***San***

Leslie, I just saw your posting....Thanks so much for the compliment! I was an English major as an undergrad but never seriously considered writing for a living....At this point I would do just about anything for a buck or two...(with the usual exceptions ;)....
Heck, does anyone know of anyone looking to hire a grammar snob who has no concept of grammar? I am SO employable for that!

anyway...take care all...

Ever,
Sarah

Well
I may just be a sheila from the states, but I felt your work was especially beautiful in Joseph. I am a christian that has an outreach to teens in this dying nation. You and your work in this movie is making a difference ! You know success in Hollywood is the exact opposite of success with God. Your "unchallenging" work in Joseph has inspired many to accept Jesus Christ as their LORD and saviour. Because of you many young people are going to see you in heaven when its all said and done. I applaud you and so does God himself. Get to know him, he already loves you ! You are so special to him,kinda like your kids are to you. And as Martha Stewart says "its a good thing ". God bless you paul. You are very talented ! Hey I make soap for a living and love it ! Next month I will be making "Beer" soap with real Hops. Is there any other way ?.... I think not me lord !Maybe I'll send you a bar. Do you have a post office box or something ????
Chrissy B