Paul's Corner

Listen, Paul. I read your post, and I understand. I understand more than you think I do. And as I get more and more comfortable being here, you'll understand what I mean.
The thing is, nothing I say will help. You've got to ask yourself some serious questions. Like:
Do you want to be involved with an industry that makes you feel like a piece of meat up for sale?
Do you need to have the approval of others to feel happy inside? There's nothing wrong with admitting yes to this one by the way. . . it just tells you where you're at is all.
Are you willing to work out more, and eat healthier to achieve better physicality?
Can you simply exist in the world you've entered without letting the bad hurt you?
The thing you wrote about the industry not wanting you anymore. . . that was brave of you to write that. . .I know I would have cringed pushing down the keys. . . I asked myself immediately after reading that "Does HE really want the industry anymore?" Try to detach for a while from what 'they' feel and want, and figure out what YOU really want and need, ignoring of all the shite. If you decide that you DO really want to still be a part of it, and not because of the past, but because of your needs right now. And disregarding any fears about what other than this you could do. Then you have to weigh the pros and cons. What will it cost you to stay, versus what you'll gain by staying, and what would be lost by leaving?
Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that are intolerable and make us unhappy, but we don't leave because we don't know what comes after making the decision to leave. That doesn't mean you should make the choice.
And bye the way. You're not 25 anymore. There's nothing terrible about that, really. If you're feeling bad about how you look, do something about it. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. It helps. Just the simple act of taking your life, and no longer letting your life take you. There are people in the world (I'm not one of them, thank god, and I don't think you are either, when I see your pictures---don't groan! you were and are a beautiful man) anyway, there are people in the world who no matter how much they diet, or exercise, are going to be heavier than certain other people who never watch what they eat or exercise! And the sad thing is that when we get older (*grrr*. . .I'm working on a remedy for that by the way, but until then. . . . . . ) our bodies change, and we have to work so much harder to achieve the same results. It will make you feel better to do something physical. Something about getting the heart racing, and knowing that you're doing something, being active. You know, it reminds me of me! Five years ago, I became obsessed (majorly) with a star. He was a singer. . .someone I had no shot with even if he were standing right in front of me, and not thousands of miles away covered in body guards. Anyway, I became very depressed. . .thought my life was meaningless and was just a mess really. I was like that for a while, and then I woke up one day, and said. . . . . . . . .shoot. . . . I was going to curse, but I don't know how you feel about that so. . . . . I woke and said #**~ I'm not going through this anymore. If want him so bad, I'm not going to sit around thinking and stressing and feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try to achieve the goal no matter what anyone says, and no matter how fantastic and unrealistic it seems. So I found a local school that taught a Sound Technician course for Studio work, and I entered the music industry. Immediately I felt better, because I was doing something to achieve the goal that originally made me so sad. I was changing my life. You need to find a way to channel all this energy into something healthy for yourself. Find something you're passionate about and go for it with everything in you. Needless to say I'm no longer obsessed with that person, that singer, but I work in a studio now, and I absolutely LOVE my job. . . . . . and all because of an unhealthy obession and what I did because of it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

chels.

Listen, Paul. I read your post, and I understand. I understand more than you think I do. And as I get more and more comfortable being here, you'll understand what I mean.
The thing is, nothing I say will help. You've got to ask yourself some serious questions. Like:
Do you want to be involved with an industry that makes you feel like a piece of meat up for sale?
Do you need to have the approval of others to feel happy inside? There's nothing wrong with admitting yes to this one by the way. . . it just tells you where you're at is all.
Are you willing to work out more, and eat healthier to achieve better physicality?
Can you simply exist in the world you've entered without letting the bad hurt you?
The thing you wrote about the industry not wanting you anymore. . . that was brave of you to write that. . .I know I would have cringed pushing down the keys. . . I asked myself immediately after reading that "Does HE really want the industry anymore?" Try to detach for a while from what 'they' feel and want, and figure out what YOU really want and need, ignoring of all the shite. If you decide that you DO really want to still be a part of it, and not because of the past, but because of your needs right now. And disregarding any fears about what other than this you could do. Then you have to weigh the pros and cons. What will it cost you to stay, versus what you'll gain by staying, and what would be lost by leaving?
Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that are intolerable and make us unhappy, but we don't leave because we don't know what comes after making the decision to leave. That doesn't mean you should make the choice.
And bye the way. You're not 25 anymore. There's nothing terrible about that, really. If you're feeling bad about how you look, do something about it. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. It helps. Just the simple act of taking your life, and no longer letting your life take you. There are people in the world (I'm not one of them, thank god, and I don't think you are either, when I see your pictures---don't groan! you were and are a beautiful man) anyway, there are people in the world who no matter how much they diet, or exercise, are going to be heavier than certain other people who never watch what they eat or exercise! And the sad thing is that when we get older (*grrr*. . .I'm working on a remedy for that by the way, but until then. . . . . . ) our bodies change, and we have to work so much harder to achieve the same results. It will make you feel better to do something physical. Something about getting the heart racing, and knowing that you're doing something, being active. You know, it reminds me of me! Five years ago, I became obsessed (majorly) with a star. He was a singer. . .someone I had no shot with even if he were standing right in front of me, and not thousands of miles away covered in body guards. Anyway, I became very depressed. . .thought my life was meaningless and was just a mess really. I was like that for a while, and then I woke up one day, and said. . . . . . . . .shoot. . . . I was going to curse, but I don't know how you feel about that so. . . . . I woke and said #**~ I'm not going through this anymore. If want him so bad, I'm not going to sit around thinking and stressing and feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try to achieve the goal no matter what anyone says, and no matter how fantastic and unrealistic it seems. So I found a local school that taught a Sound Technician course for Studio work, and I entered the music industry. Immediately I felt better, because I was doing something to achieve the goal that originally made me so sad. I was changing my life. You need to find a way to channel all this energy into something healthy for yourself. Find something you're passionate about and go for it with everything in you. Needless to say I'm no longer obsessed with that person, that singer, but I work in a studio now, and I absolutely LOVE my job. . . . . . and all because of an unhealthy obession and what I did because of it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

chels.

Paul:

Having read your post, I felt compelled to add my $.02.

Many of us know how you feel. Very few of us are the slinky, skinny folk we used to be. But when I look at back at the child I used to be, I appreciate the adult I've become. I would rather be content with who I am and how I interact with the universe, than be skinny and stupid again.

Know that your faithful fans (us!) will love and adore you for who you are and how you've touched our lives. Find your bliss and make money at it. Open that pub, we'll come visit at some time. Hug your kids and bless every moment you have with them. They grow up too soon. Be at one with the universe.

As Antonio Banderas said during Inside the Actors Studio - Film stars are immortal. Paul, you've achieved immortal. Be content with the "Mortal Paul", he's marvelous too.

Plus you can always post here and we will tell you how great you are, if you ever need the ego boost.

{hugs} Smiles & Giggles,

Tammi

AH!!! It double posted. Could you be so kind to uh. . . . .delete one of those?. . . . *blushing*

well. . .since I'm here again. . .I think you need to laugh:

there once was a dock
it was covered with Bach!
I swear this is not just 'talk'
It really WAS covered with Bach!!
sheat music lay like carpet over the walk
and I could go there wearing only a sock!!
but really I prefer exchanging stock
so I spend most my time around the wallstreet block
men there are not just about 'the talk'
and unlike the men on the dock
they don't surprise me by wipping out their cock!!!!!!!!!

*laughing*
chels

Hope it made you laugh, and sorry for the double posting again.

Paul,
Nice padding on the sucking up and sucking back comment...bwahahaha...next time remind me not to read your posts while drinking. Besides being intoxicating (little pun, there, people...very little) it hurts when it comes out my nose.

Me? I still need these hips. I've got kids to haul off to bed on them when they're too pooped
, and where ELSE should a belly-dance scarf be tied? (PAUL!);-o

Perspective. Padded or not.

*Dhi

Paul,
I'd think you were a "dream" no matter what! After movies like SB, Kick, ect., your image can never be tained with me or any of your fans, regardless of how you look. Being a teenager, I definately fall into that "young" category, but I think that makes my opinion even more valid.
Once a fan, always a fan,
Megan S.

I wasnt going to post this post as I was well aware that it was me having a winge - again! But I am glad I did because you guys have thrown me some great thoughts and perspective. Sometimes you need to have a grumble get it out of your system so you can be free to get up and get on with what you need to do. So I am up and off!!

I agree with the sentiment of the mark I have made through SB. I was spoilt (or lucky) to have done that - being my first movie has that double edge. I know of actors who have worked all their life and never made that kind of mark - but they are still working whilst I am sitting here and thats the double edge!

The truth is I am Happy inside and out. I am just frustrated with a career going no where and sometimes you start to look around to find some fault that will make sense of it all. Yes, well nothing makes sense, life is chaos is spontaneous is joy burning brightly, unless of course you have a good long look at your navel.

I like the Bruce Lee quote, thankyou Sarah.

You know one of my problems is that I am an Aries - I am not a patient man. I can see the big picture but I WANT IT NOW :)

Welcome to the newbies and thankyou for sharing your thoughts. Lizzy thoughts shared are impossible to offend - it's like a table full of food and we are all sitting at it. If I dont like a particular dish I dont eat it. I dont leave the table upset that it was put there because I know it may nourish some one else. Keep on serving it up!

Two things: I saw an interview one time with Ginger "The Movie Star" from Giligan's Island and she said she always had regret about doing the show because it stereotyped her as an actress. But everyone in the world knows who "The Movie Star" was from Giligan's Island. She generated more fame from that show than most actors will ever achieve in their lifetimes. The same goes for you in Strictly Ballroom. People worship the movie. Count your bessings.

Two: Contemplate this thought people, in that last moment you have before you die, what will you think of? How much money you had in the bank, how big your house was or what kind of car you drove? How do you really want people to remember you?

Sallie

P.S. Great post Lizzy.
Sarah- have you ever seen the movie Office Space? Your no-talent ass-clown remark made me think of it. They use those words when referring to Michael Bolton. It's a great movie.

Hi Paul, Michelle from Chicago here. I haven't posted much, but something in your message jumped out at me...."What the audience see's though is the end product. And it looks damn good (generally) and when I see it i just keep on wanting to make it - but at what expense to the soul?"
..........do you feel that acting may not be what your soul desires? I realize what you meant; that the business itself is hell on one's soul. But looking at the comment made me wonder if perhaps you wouldn't be happier if you chose a completely different path. Is this Who You Want To Be? I can't help but think that people in your line of work must feel compelled to attain the same level of success over and over again. How heavy has that stone been to carry around?

I don't know, I'm just wondering what it must be like to be you. I'm sure you have grown so much spiritually since you started your career; are you a very different person now? Has your original passion for what you do been altered by all the shit the business has put you through, or has your passion changed in form a bit as you have changed inside yourself?

I have issues I'm dealing with in my life, but the world doesn't know who I am. I can't imagine what extra pressure fame brings to that mix. I really admire your honesty in sharing your struggles and joy with us. And if it's all about the journey, you're already a winner.

Love to you,
Michelle in Chicago

Don't have anything to add that hasn't been said already, except this: Skip ahead a few years in your mind and it will be totally cool for your daughters to hold your hand again and do all sorts of stuff that they stop doing when they are teenagers. At least this is what happened to me and my Dad--after we reconciled our differences, of course, but let's skip that phase. :-)

Paul:
I read your post. In one of my last posts I replied to your quest with anger at all that can go wrong in life. Me vs them. One more step to that jump over the sewage to a new place.
Here's the way I see it. Look at yourself. Look at what an incredible body you were privledged to have had probably most of your life. Personally I was fat rotund till I was 20. In 7th grade they called me ten ton tim. My 11th grade social studies teacher came to me once, (he was an ex army officer) and told me I needed to lose weight I looked like shit. He had no idea of the mental abuse I lived with at home. My father at 21 looked like a GQ model today. Incredible. I did NOT inherit that. I became anorexic in college and went from 220 to 145. That looked like shit too. Gradually I began to put on weight by working out. But from teenager til 29 I was an alcoholic. It was getting harder and harder to keep the weight off. At 29 I was back up to the over 200 mark. So, drug/alcohol free I went to Weight Watchers. Lost down to 168. Worked out all the time. And till I was 37 had the best body I've ever had. But it would NEVER COMPARE even REMOTELY to yours. EVER. My mother died when I was 37. I had a breakdown lost my job, went from making a nice income to just about poverty and they put me on antidepressants. Which I'm still on. And guess what. They blow you up faster than a damn air pump for tires. So from my healthy weight of 184 at 37 years old with no belly, just firm no six pack abs...just firm, I'm now 240+ I dance with my son. I exercise. I've tried to go back on W.W. and it's almost impossible to get this crap off. I'm also 42 now.
Now feel better? You have a lot of postive things going for you. You have looks, talent, and you've been there and done that. You have contacts. You can do whatever you want. Actors age and get a little bigger. I'm sure you haven't gone from a 34 waist to a 44? without any control. First thing is don't give into it. Don't make an issue out of it either. Get a trainer. Work out 3 days a week. Your family deserves that. It's good for your heart and general health. Maybe you aren't a young spunk anymore, but you have been classified as a young hunk. Some of us over 40ish people would take that as a real treat to have that on our resume of life.
Take care.
And hug and kiss your girls anyway. If they don't like it tough. One more quick comment on why. When I was 12 my mother was in a horrible accident. She almost died. I swore from then on I would never go to sleep mad at her or forget to kiss her good night. Well after she recovered I never went back on my word. In college I called her often and always stayed in contact. When she visited my wife and me and the kids. We all kissed her good night. A big group hug kiss. And the last thing I did was kiss her good night the day before she died and on her death bed before they pulled the plug. So tell your girls my story.

Sallie while your comments are good I wonder if you are missing the point with your last post. Fame is an empty chalice. Fullstop. Thats it. It is a trophy cup that you put somewhere. It doesnt seem to do anything. It doesnt seem to matter that the "movie star" character was famous - who was the actress? What did she do?

The "Movie Star" was played by Tina Louise - She had a big cup that did nothing but proclaim her a house hold name. I am grateful for the opportunity to have made an impact but what do you mean by count my blessings? How grateful do I have to be because I am famous?? You know it is not a lot of fun being noticed all the time or asked the same questions all the time about a movie that gave you a lovely big empty chalice(fame). It is not a lot of fun (and to be ruthlessly honest somewhat humiliating) when people stop me because I am famous and ask what I've been working on, when I've been out of work for several months because they went for the younger guy, or the working guy from the other series etc.

I have this site so some people, if they want to, can get to know 'me' as opposed to that guy from Strictly Ballroom, or maybe that guy from one of my other movies.

I am not wingeing here I am telling you how it is - you dont do it for fame. I count my blessings for having had some great opportunities I dont count them for being famous.

I have used my fame to raise monies for charities etc and that is about all it is good for. Which is pretty good and important too!!

Sometimes that chalice sits on the mantle and I can feel it taunting me - "hey! your famous, why arent you working?"

Michelle, yes I have have been contemplating that question a lot of late. I do have plans that I am working on that could take me right away from acting. You are right also that I have grown and changed enormously since I first started doing films and perhaps from those changes I have come to see other things as more important to me and in my life. I dont think my passion changes although I must admit it has taken a battering or a dimming in recent years. But underneath it burns bright and white hot, the wielder is the weak link: focus, inspiration,creativity and openness need to be working together for the passion to be released unfettered.

And so Sallie your second point is important. I have understood, for a little while, what is important in life, and that is: family, friends and a joy for living - and that will be the thought that will come to mind and heart.

Lastly -before I go off to do my one hour bike ride (yep I'm working off that bum!!) Michelle I have talked a lot on my various posts about all this life stuff is really about the journey. Getting there actually means the end, the journey is over or perhaps the beginning of the next one. All this stuff we go through, this journey is what life is about and the only two choices we have is to love it or hate it.

I might have a winge once in a while but LIFE - I LOVE IT. It's not about arriving but travelling, the journey.

Paul,
Lots of sound advice and empathy here, the only thing I'll add, and I know from experience;
Getting old(er) bites, but it beats hell out of the alternative!
And when the next birthday rolls around, and someone asks if you feel older, just say no, only infinitly more wise.
Hugs

on the lighter side:

Everyone was talking about sexiest movie in the last string. All I kept thinking was.. Exit to Eden. Being a woman who appreciates a good bum, your bottom is tops! (next to my hubby's of course!) I must admit, I enjoyed quite a few scenes in that movie... so please don't work too much of it off! *LOL*

Michelle - Nova Scotia

Okay, so you have been passed over once again, and again their loss.

But you're out of work and I need a plumber, have 50 feet of trench to dig for a new sewer line. Oh by the way did I mention that it was in West Texas, temperature this week has been in the 40's. Sounds like fun to me, how about it? LOL

Okay, I'm only teasing but made you laugh didn't I. Getting older is a real bitch. I should know, remember I spent 3 months finding a new niche earlier this year. It's not easy, but I did find something, no longer in retail management, not making the big bucks, but not putting in 70 hours a week on salary either. Getting paid by the hour, once a month, only working week-ends to make deadlines or to catch up bookkeeping (have 20 accounts to do monthly + Payroll taxes) has been nice.

As with most 2 income households, we have not found a level of income we can't outspend, so if it isn't there we don't spend it.
Amazing how that works.

Ride that bike, eat healthy, enjoy the love of family, friends, and fans.

Or come to Texas and put in this new line for me.
As always, wishing you well in all you do.
Hugs all Around.
Sherrlyn

Hi Paul,

My name is DeAnn and I am one of the many quiet people that log on to your site
frequently.

I had to chuckle to myself about the “not young enough” comment. As a single female
over the age of 30, I whole wholeheartedly understand where your at. That over 30’s
“thing” when your ass spreads out 5 ax-handles wide, and the guy’s are looking at the
20yr olds with there tongues hanging out can be very depressing. I can say that laughingly
because it has been the “battle of the butt” in the gym for the last 3yrs. Yeesh!!! It makes
me crazy.

I find when I feel depressed I do the same thing you do. I have to say there is nothing like
eating my way through a pint of ice cream, or having many slices of pizza (of course with
EXTRA cheese) and downing more than a few good quality glasses of BEER.
Unfortunately, I generally pay dearly for the indulgence with a “ lovely” case of Rot-Gut
the next day! :) . Oh well, you sometimes have to let your self do that.

I just wanted to tell you, that I am glad to hear that you dont want to keep up with the
“youth police” anymore. It says that your being true to who you are. You are a unique
and special individual that the creator had chosen to place on this earth. If you changed
you wouldn’t be the Paul that we have come to know and care about. When people try to
change who they are, or when people think that they have the right to tell other’s how to
act or look, it is a slap in the Universe’s face. Who are they to say that what the Universe
created is defective and not perfect? There is such arrogance in the world today dont you
think?

When my grandfather was living I would go and curl up on the couch with him. He would
always would have some unique words of wisdom for me. I ran across something I had
written down that he said. He told me to remember that the stars shine their brightest on
the darkest of nights, and the light that shines the farthest is the light that is the strongest
at its source. I tucked this away in a drawer, and only just I found it the other day. It
made me think of you, and I thought I would share this.

Bright Blessings to you and your family,

DeAnn

I'm not sure about fame because I have only brushed it in one small circle, but I know that acting is like every other job in life, (without the fame)you achieve then you move on. Let's all face it, nothing lasts..the nobel prize winner, miss america those prizes last a year then perhaps become prefixes to a name..former president Bill Clinton..ect. I've won my share of prizes, was actually feared in my circle but what did it get me? You want to talk about going soft? I was one hell of a martial artist and now I can barely walk. I'm 35 and my 70 year old mother runs circles around me. I fight everyday to stay out of a wheelchair. So one may ask "why bother to try and achieve anything?" Because it's fun that's why! Because if you make it to 90 you'll have something to think about while rocking in your chair. It's called LIFE. Do everything you can, always try right up until the mortician takes your spent carcass away. It's all there is. Oh, yeah we all get in a funk but that's just a breather before the next round.
Hey Paul, is that a bell I hear?

Well said Innussiq! I would like to hear some more of your story if you care to tell it. Yep I heard the bell too, lets go shall we?

Tim, you must have posted while I was writing my post. How different would my post have been if I had read yours first? Interesting thought isnt it? Wow what a story. You ask do I feel better, I answer certainly not at your expense my friend! We all have mountains to climb and its good to share the journey as best we can with those that care and understand. Thank you.

Always kiss the Kids, my Wife and my Mum, brother dad and sister too. A couple of my mates as well! Always try to go to bed without greviences in the house, always kiss goodbyes and hellos, good mornings and goodnights and sometimes just for the hell of it - but that doesnt include my mates.

Texas, been there loved it and would love to come over and dig you ditches, you supply the beer and BBQ and I will bring a shovel!

Thanks for posting DeAnn - long time reader first time poster!!!

Paul, (& Hi all!)
As Deltalady has noted, lots of advice & empathy here.

For some reason, obstacles make us rise to the occasion & things manage to work in ways we may or may not like. Traveling the journey the past 14 months hasn't been easy. Happiness, Grief, Sadness, anxiety, post-traumatic-syndrome, depression, fear--you name it, it's been dealt with. 2 friends tragically passed last September 11th & my Dad had a 6-bypass-heart surgery. What's positive in this? As you all say, just love.

My sister & her hubby (he escaped the World Trade Center with my cousins & other friends on 9/11) are due to have their 1st child next month. The surgery spooked my Dad & he has since made an enormous effort to let us know more about him--Dad has always been a quiet man. Many of my friends have gotten married this year or will be married next year. We're all STRONGER, LIVING LIFE & ENJOYING IT. As long as there's good food, good beers & good conversation--we're all loving life.
Best of all--Each day, 2 angels from above are watching ALL OF US.

*As for the age-thing, I know I'm young but there's not much out there in quality-guys my age (or maybe they're hiding). Where are the Renaissance men? The few that exist are taken. Being 26, single, living in the New Jersey/New York City area--people my age (not all of them) seem superficial. Having the right clothes, going to the right clubs/bars, having chic friends etc. I've decided to stay away from the NYC scene for a while for the reality of my family, friends & the suburbs of New Jersey. Better to be liked for being me than wearing the right shoes.

Tim Hord:
I think it's wonderful that you're taking tap classes with your son. and Thank you too for sharing your story.

Innussiq:
Your comment on how nothing lasts reminds me of Robert Frost's poem, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"

Still Lurking from New Jersey (and very happy I have the day off tomorrow),
Margarita

Okay so you're saying that fame is just a bothersome side effect of being an actor? I'm not understanding something here. Movies make actors look spectacular, larger than life and millions of people around the world adore them for it and your saying that isn't the reason people do it. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm serious. I said count your blessing, not for the fame but for the ability to bring a little joy to peoples lives through acting on a very wide scale level. Most actors will never know how that feels. I makes no difference that Tina Louise felt jilted. It was just an example of a person missing the bigger picture. She couldn't appreciate what she had because it was never enough.

I can't even imagene the pressure of being successful in your world. So I do not propose to know how you feel when someone asks you what you're working on and the answer is "nothing" but I do propose this. Who ever said you are a failure, because you're not working, besides yourself.

You made a great movie and maybe someday you'll catch another break. Be at the right place at the right time or earn it the hard way, either way your journey will be ten times harder if you can't look around and be satisfied with who you are and what you've accomplished no matter what people think.

Sallie

This comment does not specifically address this entry to your site, although I'm sure you still look terrific which is still possible even if you are over 21 years of age. I just wanted to tell you how pleasantly surprising it is to find someone who can not only intelligently and creatively, but can actually put together a grammatically correct sentence. Seems to be a lost art, maybe because we've regressed to the cavemen's primitive illustrations (icons) to communicate. There are a lot of different subjects covered here and this is my first time, so I'm just staying with kudos for your writing ability. However, please don't ruin a really good thing with some of the worst spelling I've ever seen. Use spell check or a dictionary because if you have a great vocabulary and the ability to use it, you should be able to put the letters together correctly.

Oh Paul!

And I was going to complement you on how much your spelling had improved!!Dancing AND spelling. A man after my own heart!
lots of love
Lesley
x

de ann: grandfathers are great. thanks for sharing that.

paul: i don't worry about you despite the down times because you are a man of many interests. your journey will be wide and varied, and that's pretty cool.

innussiq: i'm with paul, tell us more.

lastly, if someone can't see past the spelling to the meaning, that's the real shame.

Thought you would appreciate this one:

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

Oh Michelle, thanks for the Eistein quote what an inspiration.

My story...good god it's a long one. Let's see if I can trim it. I began to show an anger management problem at the age of 8. Probably sooner but when I was 8 my father (having studied okinawan karate while stationed there during the Korean war) decided I needed some eastern training. I studied with a friend of his, later I found a school for Shotokan system and studied there. I (being an obesessive/compulsive perfectionist) gave my life to the art. I practised only with men larger and stronger and drove myself like a crazed rabid dog. I was the opponent everyone hoped to not get. I acheived a level of success. I lived my whole life at this pace. Trying to be a strong woman, I was actually trying to be a man. As 25 approached I was very stiff in the morinings. At times an elbow or knee would refuse to bend, or straighten. I was diagnosed with a bone disorder and rheumatoid arthritis. It was at this time what I called "the talk" of eastern wisdom began to sink in, it took many years to begin to understand what I should have been learning all along. My dr. said I would be immobile by 30. He was wrong. I no longer compete. I do kata everyday and I'm trying some form of yoga a friend of mine (a sadist friend..lol) is imposing on me. I move, for my children, for my husband, for my family and all who love me. I move for me, if I stop I'm done.
I am in pain almost constantly but it helps me know I am alive. I smile, I laugh, I share. I try to live the best life I can. Sometimes I'm bitter. I'm too young to be living like this and my kids deserve a mother who can run with them but I can't. They love me anyway. So I have my job at Blockbuster and I have the internet and I try to connect with as many people as I can. Because this is what I feel life is for. Talk, listen, learn, love. There isn't any more. There are other details but I've taken up my character count on the site for today.

Innussiq, I'm glad you enjoyed the qoute. You are a living example of seeing the "miracle" in life.

I love your optimism, our outlook on life, despite the trees thrown onto your path.

You, are the inspiration.

Now that I've started to share, you can't shut me up!

This is a qoute I have posted on my fridge. I love it. And it fits perfectly with this string of conversation.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
- Melody Beattie

innussiq: thanx for moving.

Innussig, Thank you for sharing your life. I think Michelle put into words how I felt aftering reading your post. You are an inspiration. I'm glad you found this website.

Michelle, perceptive and beautiful quotes. I think I'll put the Melody Beattie one on my fridge as well.

Sallie

Paul:
This is great that you respond to our comments. It's really nice that you take the time.
I'm so happy to hear that you kiss your family anyway. It makes for a close bond. And your teenager will just have to deal with it.
When you said earlier that you certainly didn't feel better at my expense...that wasn't what I wanted to imply at all. I know what I said, and I wasn't trying to "one up ya," but just somehow make you feel that it can't all be bad. I really appreciate what some of the others have said about life. There are so many ex- presidents, actors, first ladies, child actors. Personally I think child actors have about the hardest time. In American television they can pick some really unattractive children to play parts on shows. And in the US...looks are just about everything. When the kids gets older...they're out of a job. All grown up they're even less good looking and voila...Hollywood says Cya. Even in corporate America where I once played a "role." You had to look good. Expensive suits, shoes, club memberships, workouts, right house, right spouse, chic restaurants. It wasn't about living; it was about show and tell. I don't miss that lifestyle at all. I do miss my 34 waist. I'd give anything just about to have that back. And I'm not giving up.
BTW I was about the 18th response to your post, so I wasn't typing while you were. I've read about all the things you have done down under with theatre and dance. I think it's incredible. You are needed, even it is isn't in front of a camera right now. And I'm quite sure you'll be back in front of a camera.
Bottom line...I didn't really want you to feel better..let's just say equal. We're all human and we all have ups and downs. My son just got back from Disney world yesterday and tonight we're going to tap. I have great evening to look forward to as I'm sure so many others do. So I send my best wishes to you and everyone. A toast to everyone (with my diet coke of course)
Tim

Hello everyone!!!

Paul, when I saw SB, you struck me as a beauty with an enormous talent. But when I came here, your sincerity, warmth and realness left me speechless. You are a remarkable "real" person and I'm astonished by your kind heart. You truly deserve a thanks from everyone on the board, for being a down to earth wonderful person who is willing to share a bit of his life, with people who want to know the Paul behind the movie characters.

I really wish I can answer all the wonderful messages people leave here and I still have so much to say but my exams are dragging me away so let me get them over with and I'll be back soon.

Thanks to everyone for just simply making this such a nice, cosy, friendly place.
Natalie.

Reading through all these posts I'm just in awe by what beautiful souls you all have and that's a beauty that's much more difficult to take away than physical beauty, if it at all can be taken away. And I also believe that the soul's beauty only becomes more dazzling as we grow, even when physical beauty might fade.

Innussiq, Paul & Tim I absolutely love your passion for life and how you opened up and despite all the things that fence you in are such optimists. wow!

And I just noted that I forgot the important part in my previous post, but that too has been said in the meantime--oh well, the only excuse, I'm sleep-deprived--: Paul, continute to keep in touch (in the most literal and physical sense) with your daughters (an others), I wish I had not shut Dad out during my rebellious teenage years.

A friend of mine sent me, in her usual propitious manner, this email after I lamented to her on the phone about some of the dread that I'm dealing with at the moment. How apropos that it fits the subject of this thread to a degree. Not to be misconstrued as a fanatic poster; I just had to share this note.

Her note starts here:
I think this is a nice one.
>
> Who you are makes a difference:
>
>
> A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high
> school by telling them the difference they each made. She called each
> student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each
> of them how they had made a difference to her and the class.
>
> Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with
> gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference." Afterwards
> the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact
> recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students
> three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this
> acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results,
> see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
>
> One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby
> company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He
> gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two
> extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition,
> and we'd like you to
> go out find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give
> them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to
> keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me
> and tell me what happened."
>
> Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had
> been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his
> boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a
> creative genius.
>
> The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he
> would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him
> permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure."
> The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his
> boss's jacket above his heart.
>
> As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a
> favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring
> somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a
> project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going
> and find out how it affects people."
>
> That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him
> down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was
> in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he
> admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius.
> Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon
> that says: "Who I Am Makes a Difference, on my jacket above my heart.
> He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor.
> As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would
> honor with this ribbon and I thought about you.
>
> I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home
> I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for
> not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a
> mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just
> let you know that you do
> make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most
> important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"
>
> The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop
> crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said
> through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a
> letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and asking
> you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you
> were asleep. I just didn't think
> that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it
>
> after all." His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt
> letter full of anguish and pain. The envelope was addressed, "Mom and
> Dad."
>
> The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch
> but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a
> difference.
>
> The junior executive helped several other young people with career
> planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference
> in his life...one being the boss's son.
>
> And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. Who
> you are DOES make a difference. I give you a blue ribbon.
> You are under no obligation to send this on to anyone...not to two
> people or to two hundred. As far as I am concerned, you can delete it
> and move on to the next message. But if, you have anyone who means a
> lot to you, I encourage you to send him or her this message and let
> them know. You never know what kind of difference a little
> encouragement can make to a person.
>
> WHO YOU ARE MAKES A DIFFERENCE, AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT!
>
>
>
Her note ends here.

So with a big gulp, I sent my friend back a big email hug and told her she was quite right. Is the story true? Hell I don't know! Food for thought? ABSOLUTELY.

And Paul and all the others on this board you DO make a difference. Your posts are so blatantly honest that it makes you think. Paul...thank you for this board and for sharing. You deserve a blue ribbon for all you've done. Actually we ALL deserve one. You all know in your deepest thoughts that you've done something positive for someone somewhere. The more positive energy we put out the less negativity we'll attract. We smash into it unexpectedly (fate), but that doesn't turn off our inside positive power button.
Just had to share this. I thought it was germaine to the subject of the thread.

Tim

Sallie, look back over my posts and you will find that I have never said I am a failure, frustrated yes, failure never.

Tim and Innussiq, thank you so much. You are both inspirations /Dream Walkers, For in the face of your own seemingly insurmountable challenges you have led by example and shown me an ease to find and meet my own. In finding/discovering our acceptance with life we connect with that life force energy that gives us the peace and strength to rise to the challenges life puts before us.

Michelle thankyou for your quotes. I try to at least once every day thank the powers that be for what I have. I am grateful and thanks to the quote even more so.

Blue ribbons to you all.

Paul, I'm gald to hear you say that. After reading your post about gaining weight and getting older I didn't know what to think. Anyways, this is a good thing you're doing with an open forum like this. You're making people feel good about themselves and that is very commendable. Reading about the lives of the people who post here, including yourself, sometimes helps me to make sense of my own life. The thoughts and words of wisdom are not only helpful but comforting. To know that people all around the world are wondering about the same things I do is very reassuring.

Sallie

P.S. Back to the sexy movie question, one just popped into my mind- "Revenge" with Kevin Costner.

Tim, that was beautiful. So amazing. Would you care very much if I cut and pasted it to an email and send it to a few of my friends? I wanted to ask permission first.

Michelle. . . wonderful sentiments, wonderful quotes as always. Love to you.

Paul. . . . glad to hear it. All of it. Sounds like you're a very strong person. We all have doubts, and luckily they pass. Life blows over us in waves, some are choppy, some are gentle as the breeze. Sometimes the waves even feel like they freeze, leaving us suspended, unable to breathe. But then the rain comes, melting it all away.

on that lighter note previously visited : sexy movie? How bout 'The Thomas Crown Affair' ?

chelsey

Paul, I just discovered your 'corner' online and this one is the first comment I have read, and I just have to say this. Ok..so..I may be just a teenager (senior in high school) in California who's still trying to decided which college to go to and I may partially understand where you're coming from but dude, you are a legend. Well..to me anywaz. Time may pass and the audience may become short, but you have marked a spot in the history of dancers and 'movies'.

By the way, 'Strictly Ballroom' is my absolute favorite movie. I was particularily drawn to the director after his recent work, "Moulin Rouge". After I watched that movie, I dug a little to find his other famous works. And this is the part where your movie comes in. This may be all old to you but remember..movies last forever, I just happened to discover this one later.

Paul, your awesome talent and your dancing is embedded in my mind, and pretty sure everyone else who watched that movie. ( and that irresistible australlian accent). Just today i asked my friend at school if she knew this movie, and she remembered it, the costumes, the music, the dancing and of course you.
susan

Hey all

First to Innussiq and Tim - your courage and motivation are deeply impressive. I have a favourite quote by Albert Camus, that lives constantly at the edges of my consciousness, which i use to remind me to be strong when i don't feel it. You two seem to be doing fine without it (!), but it was the first thing i thought of when i read your posts, so here it is anyway:

"In the midst of winter
I discovered within me
An invincible summer."

Paul: your strength in the face of frustration is also apparent, but i found a different quote for you! I found this yesterday and it cracked me up -

"Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese." (Billie Burke)

Well, it made me laugh. A lot, actually...:-D
Also, your spelling's fine!!

Gotta go. We just got cable TV, and i feel compelled to spend some time watching infomercials and tele-evangelists. They are entirely surreal. I don't know whether to laugh or simply stare in disbelief.

Be nice and be happy

CHELSEY:

that's a fantastic story... one to tell the grandkids!!!

I guess you'll never know how life is gonna turn out, huh, any day, could be your lucky day!
...hhmmmm now why doesn't things like that happen to me????
I'm dying to know the identity of the alleged singer!! :) lol
*meditatating*

Margarita /tequila4ever:

all I can say is that going thru hardships makes you appreciate the good things more,
it's like having an extra sense, you know, you really dig the little things, the simple joys
that some people take forgranted. I guess it's because you know
how easily it could be taken away, or how fast they can vanish in the air...

Renaissance men..whoats dat? extinct breed of the male Homo sapiens specie,
..yes...yes...they walked on the earth once, but now I think they've migrated to a different planet.
lol

Tim Hord:

It's nice to hear that you do alot of kewl things with your children, dats the stuff happy childhood
memories are made of!!! I know it's specially hard these days, because of all the atrocities happening
all over the world, that it seems like kids don't even have the chance to have a childhood anymore,
dats why I think it's very important to create a safe/nourishing environment for kids,
because kids are very impressionable, & the stuff that happens to them when they are young are gonna affect them
the rest of their lives, speaking from experience.

Times-they-are-a-changin'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really like that Eistein quote.... man that Eistein dude was a genius!!! lol
I would've love to have a cup of coffee with him, and maybe ask a few more questions!

p.s. on the age thing.... I've always thought that you're only as old or as young as you feel,
besides how are you gonna attain wisdom if you don't pack on years of experience?

_mushr

Chelsey
You can cut and paste all you want. It was sent to me like a blue ribbon to keep passing forward. Kind of like the movie "Pay it forward."
The cheese thing made me laugh. But you know that really should make everyone feel better, usually aged cheese and wine are "better,"
And to the California girl. My all time favorite state. When I had to leave Los Angeles and come back to Atlanta, that's when my life fell apart. It's never been the same since, but I keep hoping. Specifically though, you were right on with the agelessness of movies. Once you're in one, you can always be looked up and seen again and again. I still watch Swiss Family Robinson with my boys. They would love to DO that. Ride a ship to some deserted island and build treehouses to live in. I'm not exactly opposed to that myself. For one thing your youth is captured forever. Think of The Sound of Music. The youngest girl was my age when they made the film. But she's captured forever as this beautiful little piece of cuddle bunny princess.
So what am I saying? People are still just discovering some of your films Paul. As mentioned in my first post I saw the film a long time ago and then looked it up again only recently. Now it's on my favorite view list.
I still love to watch Singing in the Rain. I watched that when I was a kid and wanted to go to Hollywood. I wanted to dance just like them. My Dad but the big kabash on that. Dancing--Hell no. Hollywood and even bigger Hell no. I was going to be a "minister." No offense to anyone out there. It's just I was raised in a cultish religion and it's a hard thing to break out of.
So, hey let's end this one on a happy note.
Anyone who reads this today do something nice for someone. I'll tell you one I did and then you can get an idea. I was standing in line at the grocery store the other day. The lady in the line adjacent to mine had been looked over several times everytime a lane opened and then when she got to the register she pulled out her "govt" assistance card and they were trying to put items back. So as not to embarrass her, I gave my cashier $50 and said, take it over there and give it to that woman. She had 4 kids in tow with her. And I just walked out. I looked back. She got the money. She caught my eye and I briskly walked away. I felt great the rest of the day.
Pay the toll for the person behind you on the freeway
Buy everyone a soda at work.
Call your mom or dad or a family member you haven't spoken to in years.
Reconcile with an old friend. Or at least open the line of communication. Write a letter.
Take a cake to your next door neighbor. You "made to many"
You get the idea I'm sure. It's not all money either...maybe just time. Take your kids to a nursing home to play checkers with the old men and women. They can be hysterical. Take your kids there to practice dance or piano. They love to watch.

G'day everybody
Tim

Hi there! :)

I'm so glad the quotes were appreciated! I'll share some more as time goes by, but I won't bombard with too many now. For now, I have a very important message to Tim and any of you that might find this information useful.

Tim: I've got to say I was touched by your story. I may have some advice that will help. As I mentioned before, I'm writing a book about nutrition. I know what your thinking, "same old story". But my focus is on health, not dieting or losing weight. One big issue I point out is the toxicity of aspartame. When you mentioned that diet coke I cringed. I'm not try to nag or condemn your choice to drink it. It is just many people are uninformed.

Aspartame is poison. Not only can it cause: shooting pains, numbness in your legs, cramps, vertigo, dizziness, headaches, tinninitus, joint pain, depression, anxiety attacks, slurred speech, blurred vision, or memory loss, (just to name a few!) it can actually make you GAIN weight. You read that right. In the hopes of losing weight you are drinking something that still stimulates your pancreas the same (if not more than) sugar. ASPARTAME keeps the blood sugar level out of control. The pancreas releases insulin, which in turn will take any energy you put into your body (food) and store it as fat instead of fuelling your body with energy, which will also make you more lethargic and less inclined to exercise. It also makes you crave carbohydrates and sabotages your efforts to lose weight.

Another note: When the temperature of Aspartame exceeds 86 degrees F, the wood alcohol in ASPARTAME coverts to formaldehyde. (some have attributed this to the gulf war syndrome, they drank alot of hot diet soda)

I'm not going to leave you empty handed though for your thirst for soda. There is a wonderful sugar substitute that is natural and safe. This sweetener is Stevia, (you'll find it in the health food stores). The best form of it I have found is the liquid type with a dropper. A wonderful drink my family and I enjoy is soda water over ice with lemon juice (or other fruit juice, you only need a couple of tablespoons worth) and a dropper (or to taste) of stevia. Try it, you'll like it and your body will love you for it.

I hope I didn't go on too long. This is a subject I am very passionate about.

I hope this helps!

Tim,
Last evening I baked chocolate chip cookies for my co-workers for today. On my way to my train station this morning, I even picked up a "box of joe" coffee from Dunkin' Donuts for them too! All my guys (since I work with all men) are quite happy this morning :)

_mushr,
Amen to the simple things in life!

Cheers,
Margarita

Susan,
I couldn't agree with you more! :-)
Megan

Hey Paul,

You sure have inspried quite a few new people to post!!! Haven't posted for awhile. I have enjoyed reading everything very much. It's truely amazing how different we all are and yet, so much the same.

Some wonderful quotes Michelle!!! Some truely life affirming experiences.

Thankx so much for sharing.

that's all for now....

Love to you all...

Margie

Hello Paul, and everyone. This is my first post here. I've been reading for a while and it is my favorite thread so far, so here goes....

First off Paul, I "discovered" you and "Strictly Ballroom" a couple of months ago, and I say with all honesty, it took me 30 years, but I've finally found my favorite film. It represents the true fairy tale, the way a movie should be. It is a perfect, lighthearted end to a long hard day. And you sure were hot in your younger, thinner days! (Yes, JOKE!!!)

That said, I can feel from where you are coming from. I've dabbled with acting. Although it was always a very strong dream I never really dove into it completely as a field. Theatre in college and community, a few appearances in some independent films, etc. The desire to see myself on the big screen was, and is, there, but the makeup of my personality is extremely uncomfortable about the instability of such a field, and the difficulty at supporting oneself and building a strong future. The actors I know well, all in New York City, all live day by day, no plans down the road. That may be fine for someone in college, but these people are in their thirties.

For myself, at first the rejection bothered me and the acceptances made me overjoyed. The worse rejection I ever had was an idiot casting director who told me when he first saw my headshot that I "was" the character, before I even read for it. So of couse, I read for it, and obviously didn't live up to the fantasy he had from the picture. Then something began to happen. I began to detach myself from the rejection, which is good, but at the same time that made the acceptances less joyous. The more auditions I went on, the more I saw the "powers that be" as simply human, with as many flaws as me! Like that casting director who told me I was perfect before I read....THAT was a stupid thing for him to say before an audition, and that mistake on his part had nothing to do with me! And I've nailed some auditions, and have known in my heart that I would be the perfect person for the role, and have come so close, yet at the last minute rejected. Then I realized, these people are NOT GODS! They can make casting mistakes! Maybe they were WRONG in not casting me! The fact is, they cannot break me emotionally because I do not give them that power.

But the reality is, as an actor you cannot live off of that kind of epiphany. So with it came an opening of my eyes to everything else around me. I suddenly discovered new hobbies. I used to believe that acting was the only true desire I had. But I've found others. I look closer at the people around me, people not in the acting universe, and I see how they appreciate and accept me. These people do not care about casting directors or Hollywood.

I guess where this is going is that life is HUGE, much huger than a few agents and casting directors. And as for having that first blockbuster movie, I for one am more than aware of the fact that it probably only took a few months of your life to film that, more than ten years ago, yet it is so easy for people to forget that you are a WHOLE LIFE, not just a few months on a soundstage in front of a camera. Everyone on this board seems very aware of that, I just hope everyone you encounter in your day to day life does too.

Thanks for reading!

How much beer and BBQ?

Michele
Thank you for the info on nutrition. I have heard Diet Cokes are bad for you. So you know, what given the nature of the board today, I'm going to take that as your "pay it forward" advice and in conjunction with weight watchers that I started again today, I'm going to restrict myself to water for awhile. I need to "de-tox" anyway. Besides that I've set a goal to have at least half of this excess off by x-mas. The holidays will not deter this effort I cannot turn 43 next year and be a beached whale. I'm doing it for me and my kids. I work better when I feel better about myself.
I think this is a great thread. It's been inspirational.

Holy cow! What great stories and observations. But, dang, it’s getting so hard to be original on this site :))! DeAnn, I’m going to post your grandfather’s saying on my office wall. And Tim, I’m going to send that blue ribbon story on. Hmmm. Maybe it could be utilized beyond the email confines.

Ah, Paul. I know you aren’t engaging in self-pity. You’re just trying to find the road beyond. Aging is a tough nut for most of us. That’s why mid-life crisis is such a cliche. But I think leading actors/actresses have a tougher time than other performers. Once the decision-makers narrowly define you based on your looks, it’s hard to change their perception. Then, too, maybe you get locked into some antiquated ideas about yourself. I think we all do and the challenge is to stay out of that quicksand.

My father-in-law is a musician. He hit the road as a teenager. He played with the big bands and on Broadway. When the work in New York slowed down, he and my mother-in-law moved to Miami to play the Gleason show. When that ended and the work slowed down in Miami, they moved to Las Vegas. Vegas started hiring the younger guys and my father-in-law hit that wall. Mid-life crisis. Displaced by the younger, hipper, cheaper. They moved back to Miami and after he stopped licking his wounds, he became a piano tuner. He and my mother-in-law have travelled all over the world while he’s tuned pianos on the cruise ships.

Now my husband is going through what his dad experienced. Things are slowing down. He has changed. The industry has changed. Can he ride it out? Should he try? He can find some other kind of work, but is now the time to pursue an entirely different career or is this just a temporary lull? All these promises of something just around the corner abound. Purgatory! He’s a well-respected puppeteer and has made a good living with his skills; but increasingly, the money people don’t want to pay him what he deserves as a performer. He’s done some character actor, but he doesn’t get sent out often enough to pay the bills with that alone. On top of that, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the last 10 years and at 48 and with the economy hitting the skids, I don’t know what I can and should do to help with income, while still being there for my children when they need me (which seems to be more often than ever before). I’m sure I’ll figure it out, but it’s not easy.

Yeh, I don’t want to plays games anymore, either. Once you’ve accumulated a certain amount of life experience, you find that you can no longer play by other people’s rules. It suffocates the soul! Of course, then you have to set about creating your own rules.

Starting the restaurant/pub might be the thing to do. (If you need a waitress with a sassy attitude, my visa is current for 2 more years.) Then again, your journalling here and the feedback you’re receiving might lead you to create something written or performed. My husband and his colleagues have started a play reading group. The members takes turns selecting a play and we all take turns hosting the reading. It can help you keep your skills up and it’s more fun than staring at the phone. Maybe you can get together with your mates and write a new play or screenplay or a piece you can choreograph with some eager young dancers.

Enjoy your Coopers. Ride your bike. Snuggle with your wife. Cuddle your girls. And ask the newer, better-than-ever Paul what he really wants to do now. (BTW, when I first started visiting this site, I looked at your photos quite often. I don’t do that now. I know who you are and that’s beautiful enough for me.)

Love to all,

Diane

diane: i did that same thing -- looked at the pictures, downloaded all the clips. now i jump straight to paul's corner. it's far more real. i still check the tv schedule time and again.

Hello All.
When I set out to tell my story it was because I was asked. So I tried to satisify the curiousity. Little did I think it would be inspirational. I'm embarassed. It's just my life.
Anyway, thanks to everyone, texas (btw, I love Texas and lived in Abeline at one time.) Sallie, Evelyn, Lizzy for giving such nice responses. Lizzy, especially the cheese quote..I love it.
Tim,and anyone else, I wish you so much strength in your "battle of the buldge" what a fight it is.
I also liked your good deeds story. I love to let people go in front of me in lines. It's such a simple thing but they sure do get pleased/surprised looks on their faces.
Have a great day everyone.

OK. Here goes. Need some help. Just came back from the doctor. I've been having some pain right under where the rib cage comes to a "v." Figured it was acid reflux, ulcer, etc. Anyway. Doctor is sending me for an ultrasound. After much poking and prodding, he has come to the conclusion I may need to have my gall bladder removed. (I practically jumped off the table when he pressed under the right side of my rib cage.) Have any of you ever had this operation? Should I be scared? He told me it was one of the curses of being in your 40s. Great, so what do I have forward to losing in my 50s? lol.

I really would welcome your comments on this. Thanks, guys--have a great weekend.

KL - my friend had his gall bladder removed and except for the hospital food and the wound care afterwards (he was single and had a hard time reaching the area himself afterwards), it's a "piece of cake". They knock ya out, you wake up. Tada!

Good luck. Stay calm.

Dhiana

Kay Lynne:
I've paged everyone in my family and waiting for them to call me back. (they're all in the medical field) I'll see what info I can scrounge from them over the weekend. The ultrasound should be more conclusive. According to Dhianna's friend, it sounds like routine surgery. I'll keep a good thought for you. Hang in there!

Margarita

Kay Lynne, I know there is a surgery for gall bladder removal that doesn't require a big incision. It's called laparoscopic removal where they only make a few small incisions. You don't really use your gall bladder anyway. here is a website http://vava.essortment.com/
laparoscopicgal_riwj.htm about it. I've known a couple people who have had it and it was pretty routine like Dhiana and Margarita said. Good luck to you.

Sallie

Thanks for the support. I'll be pretty nervous until after the ultrasound. Wow, I've never been a patient in a hospital before. New experiences abound every day, huh? (Actually, I'd prefer OTHER new experiences, but... lol) I'll let you all know the results as soon as possible. Thanks again.

Kay Lynne, sorry to hear about the possible surgery. As always stay postive, dont expect anything and take the loving steps necessary to deal with what ever is dealt. Be thinking of you.

First to Kay Lynne. I had a friend that recently had surgery to remove her gallbladder. The inserted three needles basically and gave it "nuclear attack" so to speak. That was it. She was "uncomfortable" for a couple of days and that was it. Unlike my cousin that it removed via the regular scalpal method back in the 70's. she was out of commission for 6 to 8 weeks. Awful. And if it's any help, I'm having two procdedures done in the next two weeks. 1)Root Canal on a tooth on the 19th. Dentists don't bother me no problem. Just numb me up and go for it. 2) Nose reconstruction (inside). I have sleep apnea and have to sleep with a mask on my face to shoot air down my throat all night long. Lovely. Anyway the apnea is part of my weight problem. So since I'm using the machine, weight is starting to veer to the left on the scale, but after they free my air passages I'll be completely able to reap the full reward of this robotic sleep machine. I'll at least lose weight. They told me I could expect 30 to 40 pounds. You know I'm looking forward to that. And that surgery is on the 21st.
The vain side of me, and I do have a little bit of it, thinks the whole thing is cool because I get a nose job. I'll end up having the perfect Hollywood nose. It's been sort of a greekish, long thing. Now I'll just have that perfect...you know soap opera star nose. LOL
I'll be thinking of you.
Something else about late life changes. I was a Certified Public Accountant for 18 years. I absolutely hated it. I was MISERABLE. But my parents denied me the right to pursue the things I enjoyed which were music, dancing, writing, acting and I enjoyed hairdressing. I actually apprenticed to do hair as a child and could do anyting during my teens. I did hair for my friends in college and even while I worked as an Accountant, some weekends, friends would come over and we would have a "Steel Magnolias" session at my house in the kitchen. So, guess what, I'm a hairdresser now full time. Somewhat of a pay cut...OK a hell of a paycut, but I built up fairly quickly. It's enabled me to pursue other things to. I've written to screen plays. I finished one today and sent a copy to the Writers Guild. You never know what will come of it but I did it. And it felt damn good. Still poor as a church mouse, but we'll make it. And I'm positive I'll make something happen out of the things I enjoy. The money I made as an accountant was not worth the mental and emotional pain it caused me. NOT AT ALL. I'm surprised it took so long for an ENRON deal to occur. I worked for a Big 8 firm (actually 2) and it happended all the time. Scratching each others backs.
Anyway. Do what you enjoy. Pursue it at least. change is not always bad. It has consequences sometimes, but you learn from them and move ahead.
Long post again...sorry guys.
Tim

Guess what?

I'm back from vacation. Hope P.M. will read the post soon.

Sara

Paul
A question if you have time. You mentioned you have a teenager now. How old are your daughters. I have three sons 11, 9, and 4 and our daughter is 2 months old.

And since this is such an open board. You say your big. What exactly is that? Be honest. It is what it is. In SB you look like you weigh about 140...30 inch waist?

I mention this only because when I was working on a client today we were talking about weight and I was sharing my frustration and she made me feel wonderful. She has known me before I gained weight so it carried some meaning to it. She said. Tim. You just look mature. You've filled out. You carry the weight well. You don't look fat infact you look distinguished and sexy. Ok, so my mouth dropped and I ordered a Biggie fry for lunch after that. (just kidding)

Must be around 2pm Saturday for you over there. And I'm getting ready to go to bed for my busiest day of the week. Satuday.

Have a great weekend.
Tim

Paul---
Post a recent picture! The one from August confuses me---
a) Where's all this weight you've gained? I don't see much difference in the picture, and
b)Is your hair blonde, shaved, or both?

And Cat, I gotta ask, what do you do for a living? Is website design your job, or are you just really (and I emphasize REALLY) good at it? I love the mouse-over-loading pictures in the Gallery. I think I used about 20 gigs of your bandwidth the first time I visited this site, downloading all of them for my little private desktop collection. (Oh, and don't worry, I only use them for MY computer and my Sims pictures; I'm sure it took you a long time to put them together. I give acknowledgement for the pics to this site on my Sims page from my site, so yeah and stuff.)

Things are crazy in my life lately, which is why I've been posting less. I always try to respond to Paul, but everyone else---I'm sorry! I love all of y'all, but time seems very slim lately. The dude I was with, the one I first posted about (and how SB had brought me to it) is no longer around. Strange, how one phone call from an ex-girlfriend will bring out all of those co-dependant tendencies that were lurking in him. Can't deal with that, personally, I myself am a recovering co-dependant. In fact, it was the ex-girlfriend that called who was the one I was co-dependant with (strange, life and irony, how they are one and the same....)....got down on my knees and begged her at one point......which is why you see I can't deal with co-dependancy. My dog is co-dependant. He's the only one who's never abondoned me, though.

Tip for the day: Lonely? Get a dog. You'll find your soul mate.

Oh, and Paul, look at it this way---
At least you're not stealing clothes from Sax Fifth Ave, right?
Heh heh heh

Paul Walker i worship his face he is sooooooo cute and what an actor he can really act i love his smile and doesnt he have an resemblance with Justin Timberlake.

Paul Walker i worship his face he is sooooooo cute and what an actor he can really act i love his smile and doesnt he have an resemblance with Justin Timberlake. He is way better than Vin Diesel, he just looks like a monster hes so big.

i can tell a guy is gay by looking at his face not that i am a physo or anything but u know wat i mean, wat do u think guys??

What i thik about paul walker is he is a nice
and fun person to be around and i bet alote of girls like his butt but i watched the movir
joyride and it had paul walker and i got his mobile and his phone number

what i like about paul is that he is very cute and he gots a nice butt

paul,
I like your movies.I wish i could be in them.i think you are a great guy!!!there is not much to talk about.write back bye!