Paul's Corner

I will pray for his family and for him. My thoughts are with you too Paul. I think sometimes we are just not meant to understand certain things. Maybe in the here after. "Let God and let go". God bless.

Heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Vale Russel. What a tragic lose. Our prayers are with you.

I am so sorry, too.
That poem was beautiful. It reminds me very much of the poem that was read in " Four weddings and a funeral" by W.H Ordon.
I think in times like that it is like poison to hear poeple talk of hope. That´s why I like Ordons poem. It ends with the sentence "nothing will ever come to any good". It really feels like that when you loose someone. And no matter what others say, I think at that point you just want to feel pain and scream and suffer. And you don`T understand how they can give you great advice on moving on with your life. If you loose someone dear there is no moving on with life, not for a good while. Of course it will happen eventually, but there is also a time when just giving in to pain is in place.
My thoughts are with you and Vale RUssels family.
Franziska

Oh, Paul...yet more loss for you.

(e-massaging your eyes and temples so that you will see a myriad of colours and know vibrancy for a brief moment in your emptiness...)

Love from us all,
Dhiana

IX
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

Oh man...just the other day I was looking him up to see what he'd been up to recently. He was of a fiery magic, and this is awful. I'm so sorry.

Paul

I'm so sorry you've lost someone so special...again. It must be heartbreaking but I know that if people got a glimpse of the heartache they left behind and the ripples their actions caused they wouldn't do it but they can't see it.

I will pray for you, his family and pray he has now found peace.

Dear Paul,

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your friend and colleague. I wish that he had been able to see himself through your eyes and know himself as the glorious person you described.

We will burn a candle to light Vale's way as he passes over and another to give you and his family the strength to carry on.

You are all in our prayers.

Paul,

I don't know what to say in the midst of this grieving and pain you must be going through and I don't want to write meaningless words, but as others above have expressed it already, you, your family and your friend's family are in my thoughts and I will attempt to send positive energy your way, because you need it more than I do.

Hang in there and lean on your friends for comfort and support.
Love,
Evelyn

Paul,

I am sincerely sorry for your loss. There are really no words I can say to ease the pain, so I won't try. But we are all here for you, and I'm just so so sorry. I'll be praying for Vale, for his family, and for you and yours. I'm sending my love and prayers, as I'm sure we all are. May his legacy live on.

Following in the footsteps of Dhiana, I send you many e-hugs.

Love,
Megan

Dear Paul
What you’ve written about Vale is beautiful. I’m so glad that you and many others had the chance to know him and I’m so very sorry that you’ve lost him
Love
Lesley

Beautiful Paul,

Vale seemed to be a very special and beautiful soul freind. You are the type of person who's whole heart goes out even at the sacrifice of your own dear time for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your freind. You will see him again in heaven. Way back in September you had written to all of us about how you want to make a bigger impact in the world...do you remember that?? Since that time, there has been an incredible shift for you in this awsome sight that has blessed all of us in so many ways and on so many different levels. The healing words of freedom that you write about and how you do not hold up a wall of pride like so many other people do has casused us to be even more hungry to connect with you heart to heart. There is a time and a season for everything. How important it is to live life in the moment of moments every day. God bless and your family and his family. The earth is such a small place in this vast and never-ending universe. We all see the same sun and feel it's warmth and radiance and we see the same moon's silver crest in the night sky.

Shalom and peace to you and the family,
Tara

Paul, you truly are a blessed individual to have som many people looking out for you, praying for you and caring about you. I can only hope you can gain strength in those around you right now. We are there. We'll listen.

Firstly thank you all for your words of support and your prays for Russel.

Secondly from tragedy comes humour and I cant help but have a little laugh. "Vale" is used I guess as an honourific kind of title to announce something. It is used here in Aus for death notice's - thus I used it. His name is Russel not Vale :) :) :) I kow he would have a giggle about that.

Thirdly my wife read my post and pointed out my many spelling mistakes - how she could see through her tears I dont know - my only defence is I couldnt see through my own. Your replies only caused more tears but like the rain that is now falling outside my window they cleanse the sky and the soul and generate new growth and new light.

Dear Paul,

I just want to let you know that you are an amazing guy! Sharing your tears and laughter in such an honest and eloquent way just now moved me to tears and I don't even know what exactly I'm crying for, ...

I'm glad you can cry and have these tears cleanse your soul, because that was one of the things that got me through my Dad's sudden death 5 years ago.
Have a good day and know that there is a lot of support out there for you, your family, his family, him.

Love and e-hugs,
Evelyn

Dear Paul,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep Russel, his family and friends in my prayers. I hope with time you will find peace and comfort.
My love goes out to you and Russels family.
A big hug,
Marie

Peace be with you, your family, and Russell's family. At the very least we can pray that Russell has found the peace he was seeking. Like your brother's death, we do not understand their reasons for such actions, but we have to accept their decision and move on. Circumstances like this only deepens the love, respect, and joy that we find in your posts. Hold tight those close to you tonight. If it's still raining, go out and let it wash the tears from your face. I don't know if dancing would be appropriate right now, but if that is what you feel like doing, go ahead. I don't think Russel would mind.
Hugs all round, love to all.

Paul -

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and Russell's family in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know if you hear of a memorial or a place to send flowers.

This poem was given to me after my grandmother passed away and I thought it would help.

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely Home in Heaven at last.

I happened upon this poem on a return flight from my beloved UncleThomas's funeral several years ago. The woman who sat next to me shared it with me.I wrote it down and stashed it away only to stumble upon it recently. Strange and wonderful how things come to us when we need them, like the chuckle Paul and Andrea enjoyed over our misuse of "Vale".

REMEMBER ME

To the living,
I am gone.
To the sorrowful,
I will never return.
To the angry,
I was cheated.
But to the happy,
I am at peace.
And to the faithful,
I have never left.
I cannot speak.
but I can be heard
So as you stand upon a shore,
Gazing at a beautiful sea -
Remember me.
As you look upon a flower,
And admire its simplicity -
Remember me.
Remember me in you heart,
Your thoughts,
And your memories,
Of the times we loved,
The times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed.
For if you always think of me.
I will have never gone.

Dear Paul and dear each and every one of you!

I've been meaning (and itching) to post for a long time, in fact since the comment system started, but - for various reasons - have been reluctant to introduce myself and participate.
Feeling in an extra energetic mood, with a few hours to spare and almost sort of bursting at the seams with things to say I have come for my regular PMOnline fix today with every intention of contributing to your discussions. Finally felt like I was ready for this new experience.

But what I have to read here today leaves me with a big lump in my throat... This is really sad news!

Thank you Paul for your compassionate and heartfelt words about Russell and for letting us share the pain!
Well, this may just be a mere drop in the ocean of tears but I'd really like to express my sincere sympathies too.
@}-`-,----
Yes, there's this aching void, all these tormenting questions and this feeling of helplessness - even anger and disappointment... But then again there's the family, friends, loving memories, music, dance, beauty, nature...
I dearly wish you and Russell's family lots of comfort and encouragement, hoping that you'll always be able to fill the gap with good memories and everlasting feelings. Remember: the end of life is not the end of love!

So don't let the SPARK go out - let it become a FLAME in your heart!!

Here's a little poem I like very much (hope I haven't changed it by translating it back from German though):
Our dead live on in the sweet rivers of the earth,
they return with the soft steps of spring,
and it is their soul that comes with the wind
and ripples the water of the lakes.
(Seattle, Chief of the Suquamish Indians, 1786-1866)

Tonight I'm going to open a bottle of wine and watch "Kick" again - for the umpteenth time, but this time it will be different...

I'll come back some other day to meet you all and become a (regular) member of the "club". Looking forward to that.

Meanwhile, let's all love life and try to live it to the full! Brigitte

Paul,

I am sorry for your loss as well as the loss that all the people that knew and loved Vale Russel shall feel.

No one can ever truly know what will compel someone to do something, good or bad, but we must learn to live with that choice, whether we like it or not.

I cannot say that I have had the pleasure of knowing his work yet, but just by your comments, I can see his talent shine through.

That is a comfort in itself, you can keep his spirit alive by remembering the moments you shared and know that you have a special place in your heart for him.

The light has not gone out, it has just moved to a higher place in the universe.

Carol xoxo

Dear Paul,

I had no clue about the " vale " term....eeeek. You probably got a big laugh from some of us not knowing this. I'm sorry. Well, I guess we all learn something every day. It's nice to know that Russell would have giggled about this. Love to you and the family.....Later!
Tara

Paul, I read tonight on the Internet that services will be held for Russell on Saturday in Brisbane. I continue to keep Russell, his family, and yours in my thoughts and prayers and I'll focus even more on healing thoughts tomorrow. The pain of our losses hits us in unexpected moments, but the apparent finality of memorial services can be excruciating.

Please know that we are with you all in spirit.

Diane

Okay, just for a second, I'm going to put my "academic hat" on. "Vale" is Latin and means "Good Bye!, Farewell."

Dear Paul,

as you, your family and Russel's family and friends have to say farewell to him, all I can say again is, that my thoughts and prayers are with you all and that as you all begin to heal individually and togehter, I hope that you will be able to draw strength from the shared experiences, the love and joy you shared with your friend and colleague Russel. Don't let his flame die!

Wishing I could share and alleviate your pain in a more concrete way, but I also know that grieving is VERY individual. Take courage and don't give up hope!
Evelyn

Paul, family and friends of Russell Page. The services are finished, the " I wish I had...,Maybe I could have...,I never realized..." have all been said. Along with a lot of "Do you remember..., Did you get to see..., He was so talented..., from those closest to him have been voiced. These will help heal the hurt, ease the pain and keep those memories of him dear. God bless you all.

In light of the passing of Michael and Russell, and given your career of choice, how have you been able to remain so steady in such an unsteady and unforgiving business? I know you and your Mom are very close and has it been that relationship with her and your wife that has kept you from going off the edge? Just being nosey.
I'm plagued at times with that "What is my purpose in life" thing. And what difference would it really make if I weren't here. I really think things would probably rock on along as usual. The cat and dog would still get fed, ( I'm not sure the litterbox would get cleaned, the dust aggravates the better half's bronchitis), the laundry and dishes done(only after there was nothing left clean). At one time in Dan's batchelor days he was known to stop at the grocery store on his way home from work just to pick up what he planned to fix that night. There were no other groceries in the house. I could see that happening. No I'm not comtemplating the inevitable, I'm too much of a coward.
I'm just thinking outloud, this whole business of suicide baffles me. I don't understand what kind of demons work on a person that would make them do something to cut their time and talent short, leave children wondering WHY? and worrying parents about where they missed the warning signs.
I just don't GET IT!!!!
Talk to us, we want to hear your feelings. I hope your mom is still with you thru this. I'm sure it brought back memories of Michael and this can't be easy for you and your family.
Know we love you and support all you do. Stay tough.
Hugs all around.
Sherrlyn

PS: If this sounds a little spacey I apologize, I've been working on this for a couple of days and finally had to put it on paper/e-post.
Love to all.

Hey Paul,

I live in Huntington Beach, Orange County, CA next to Los Angeles, and watched "Strictly Ballroom" this morning after waking up from a fun evening of dancing with some friends in Laguna Beach. I was inspired with your character going through the pain of emotions, challenges and decisions ending the movie in triumph for the character you played, Hastings. So much happens in a persons daily lives they have no control over what can create so much frustration. Strictly Ballroom brings a welcome calm.

After watching the movie I came to the internet to find other movies you have acted in. I read "Paul's Corner" and about the loss of your friend and Prayers for his family. Here is a prayer that my expired Mother left behind for me to find:

"PRAYER FOR PROTECTION"
The light of God surrounds me;
The love of God enfolds me;
The power of God protects me;
The presence of God watches over me;
Wherever I am, God is!

I had lost her in 1992, and I only speak about her, my loss, to my closest friends. Your trust and openess want's me to share my experience. I have not written about it before, but here is my attempt and I will keep it short.

Upon finding out my mother was dying, I greived for nearly 8 months. Much drama from siblings that were jealous for the love my mother shared with me, their greed to inherite what little she had, and their anger that turned into hate and attempts by them to destroy my inter-self being.

After her death, there was greater pain then ever before. I made a bearer to keep those siblings away and to allow myself to grow within. Nearly a year passed when I was taking some flowers to her grave. I stopped at the door and realized she has always been with me in spirit. I then turned around, sad, but growing with happiness. Pulling a crystal vase from the china cabinet I cut the flowers at the base, added water to the vase, placed the flower in the vase, and placed them on the dinning room table. Then opening the shades for the first time in many months, I said mom, these are for you, you have brought me much happiness, thank you.

She was my guide, my trainer, and my best friend. She could read me, gave me space to grow, and cared for me. All the bad memories had left. Her smile was all I saw.

Today, I work very hard to be me. I discard all comments of my siblings who live in the past. The future is my strenght, and I often turn to the prayer from my mother as the strongest guidence she can provide to me since her passing.

I hope you and your friends find this prayer comforting.

Back to you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing your daily life. I like the part about the replacing the roof. Thank you for making movies, and Thank you for showing everyone your happiness of dancing. I hope I find more enjoyment in your movies that I plan to watch.

Ted
Huntington Beach, CA

Hi Ted,

The loss of a parent is such a traumatic experience on its own, but to have the grief of dealing with people's greediness and petiness on top of that is almost unbearable.

I fully comprehend what a struggle it all was. I myself went through grief with my father's side of the family and with a horrible boss at work when my dad was dying.

To this day I hear that my dad's sisters still go on about how I cut my father's hair (amongst other things!)

We took care of him at home because he was too terrified of hospitals and such, and of course as he got weaker, he was unable to go out, and unable to sit still while I tried cutting his hair normally. He insisted that I get one of those electric clippers and give him a buzz cut, which unfortunately didn't grow in long enough before he died.

So amongst MANY other issues that his family had with us while he was sick, they still complain about how horrible I made my father look. This coming from a family that never once came to visit my father when he was well, they all waited until he was dying to "be the wonderful loving family!"

I commend you on being able to get past any bitterness and move on to a happier place - I can't say that I have been able to do that. The amount of hurt these people put us through during an extremly hard time, to me, it's just not forgiveable.

I hope one day I can fully follow the path you have taken, embracing life as it is and not focusing on the bad.

The poem your mom left behind is just beautiful - thanks for sharing Ted.

Carol

Hi Carol,

Your note brought back some memories, and I find myself laughing because my mom was smart.

I'm sure your dad enjoyed the hair cut (massaging of his scalp). I often will go for a haircut even if I don't need it, pratically falling asleep in the chair before their done cutting. Once when I went camping I did not wash my hair for three days because the water from the moutain was so cold, yuke. You know it really hurt to lay my head on a pillow, LOL. The fresh cold water from the moutains really felt good on the fourth day, so did my head that night.

Your dad may have wanted the close hair cut for many reasons: protecting you from family members comments, getting a scalp massage, to feel a scalp massage by shears vs. a human touch.

When I remember the way my mom would ask me to do things, well, it kind of makes me laugh because she knew how to get me to do what she needed or wanted done. I often find myself laughing because she was smart, and knew my reactions better than me.

Last year I opened Christmas cards from my expired mother's friends. They said I have reached inner peace. I hope you do some day.

Thank you for your kind words.

Ted

Hi Carol and Ted and everyone else,

I just read through both of your responses about grieving and dealing with your losses and it brought back several memories about when my Dad died, whom right now I'm missing much more intensely than at other times and perhaps am grieving for more actively again. I wish I could talk to him, argue with him, laugh with him, hug and kiss him, play tennis with him--he always was the best tennis partner I ever had--listen to classical music with him, get advice from him, listen to him--and I do feel powerfully connected to him, and I do many of the things I desire with him, even though it would be nice to have that face to face experience again.

When we were planning his memorial service, Mum, my two sisters and I and even Dad's brother who often is very set in his ways and very traditional, we all rallied around each other and turned this into a celebration of Dad's life and not a funeral service at all. We broke with so many traditions and knew that there most likely would be a lot of negative talk in the village and many who would not understand it at all and take it in such a way that we "obviously" did not love Dad enough to give him a "proper" burial, but we didn't care about that, since we had to say good bye in our way, that made sense to us and it was the most beautiful funeral I've ever been to! A real celebration of Dad's life, and people opend up and spontaneously shared their thoughts about my Dad at the funeral. Really amazing! I learned so much about him, his accomplishments and the impact he had on others that I never knew about.

Most of the other relatives perhaps more grudginly went along with our way, but I guess they also knew not to mess with us four women. :-)

Having had such a much more positive experience than you did, Carol, I'm nonetheless saddend that you find it so difficult to forgive. I totally understand that, because there are other areas of my life, where I'm struggling to forgive the madness and pain my once best friend and others caused in my life. But I also know that my holding a grudge against her and not being able to completely forgive her is keeping me down and in that way is doing my soul and inner well being more harm than her. I wish I could find the way to let go completely of that pain, but in this case, it seems a gradual process, a sort of process of forgiving in different dosages and stages. I hope that you can sufficiently heal from that devastating experience, if this is what you want to choose, because I think it's as much our own personal choice as anything else.

Take good care of yourself and everyone else!
Evelyn

Hi Ted, Carol and Evelyn and of cource, Paul et al

I too had a rather enjoyable experience when my father died. He was 89 and in a rest home and really not aware of to much, Thank the Lord. But when he finally passed away, my sister and I went to the funeral home to look for an urn. I was really glad that there were no other families there. They might have been really offended. My sister and I were laughing the whole time. Looking at all of there really expenceive items and knowing what a cheapskate my dad was. We got really lucky. There was a bronze box, really low key. You probably wouldn't have noticed it at all except there was a sign, $30 scratched. I asked if that was 30 dollars or 30 dollars off. The attendant said no that it just 30 dollars. We grabbed it. It is now sitting on my sister's hearth and you still probably wouldn't see it.
My brother was kind of disapointed that we didn't have a service, but that was really expencive too.
Most of my dad's friends were already dead. We remembered the fun times and the really funny times. Still do. As for Carol, unfortunatly all the **** hits the fan when someone dies. Even for those families that seemingly get along. Luckily it didn't happen with ours. Lets see what happens when mom goes.

Please, lets continue to pray for Paul and his family and his friend Russel and his family. Death is very difficult to accept, especially when it comes suddenly.

Just attended my 20th high school reunion. I mean 20 years. Loads of fun.

XOXO

Margie

Welcome Ted and Carol. Thankyou for the poem Ted - I will say it now and then to help guide me. I dont think it is ever very easy to know who you are and there fore to Be who you are. The best thing is that being who you are comes easiest when you are not trying to be who you are!

As for forgiving people - well boy that is a hard one. I have been working on forgiving someone for quite a few years now. I know I played my part in that relationship and there fore I carry some of the responsibility for it's demise. But I was hurt and I was wrongly done by - the worst thing is the other person most likely feels the same way. So who is it that I should be forgiving??? I reckon in the first instance it is me. For if I can forgive my self for my naivity, my foolishness, for my stupidness, for my cowardliness and for my belief in loyalty and freindship above other things then maybe I can get around to forgiving the other person for their part in it! And once I have forgiven myself and them, will I be free of the anger I feel from having gone through that experience??? I know I am better for the experience but shit did I really have to go through it? As I said I am still working on it and I think I am getting there.

Sherrlyn, in an attempt to understand why and how someone could take their own life I wrote this piece of prose. It was in fact the day of my brothers birthday - just over a year since he had taken his life. I actually suspect he wrote most of it through me and I finished it off in my usual positive ending. It answers nothing but perhaps it helps to ease the pain.

its not that i don’t love you
its that i don’t love me
how can i love another?
if i myself am loveless

its not enough that you love me
or that the world pours down radiant love in abundance
inside me it is perennially dark
untouched by the caressing hand
of anyones love
not yours
not gods
not mine

i am barren and seek only an end

do not offer me hope
for it does not exist in this place
do not ask of me faith
for it to wanders aimless
do not try to save me from this pain
for it only hurts me more
to witness your pity

i ask you to forget me
so as to save you from taking my pain
and making it yours

to live in pain is to seek an end
i am not afraid

you can, must and are able to move on
to grow
to nurture
to love
Go
Begin

"i ask you to forget me
so as to save you from taking my pain
and making it yours"

p: this line dug in deep. i can completely relate to this feeling, from both the sayer and the feeler ends. but if you pour out the painful memories, not leaving a drop, don't you then pour out the happy ones, too? like some have said in posts on this site before, the painful memories are sometimes the key to unlocking the beautiful ones and really appreciating them.

thanks for sharing this, p.

Memories themselves dont have pain or joy - it is what we attatch to them that makes us feel these things. I guess in time some memories seem less painful because we have been able to attatch less pain to them and perhaps more joy to them.

Dont pour out the memories, sometimes thats all we have left. My brother wanted to be forgotten so as to not cause those near him any pain. He was kidding himself there - of course we will not forget him and hopefully in time we will remember him not with pain but with joy.

Paul,

I'm a bit hesitant to go back to the forgiving part in your second to last posting in this thread, because I feel that this thread is dedicated to the loss of your friend and I don't want to draw attention away from it, so please keep that in mind.

I read your comment earlier today and it just took over my day in some way, making me think about my own anger towards specifically three people, anger that I never truly expressed and let get out of me. I tried for more than 10 years in both these instances but always felt guilty for feeling this anger. I was raised in a very conservative, fundamentalist Christian church and anger was never allowed, since it was equated with sinfulness and ever since I have had a difficult time expressing anger and specifically in a constructive way. As I'm still learning to express anger without guilt--and I just vented in my journal for the past three hours!!!, that felt very good! because I finally said many things I wanted to, but never allowed myself to say--I don't know if the anger you feel, the anger I feel because of the pain our friends inflicted on us will ever go away, but then as you say in your last post the memory itself does not hold the pain, but what we attach to it, and in many ways some of the pain for me has faded over the course of the years, making it easier to get towards forgiving him/him/her.

As I thought about what it means for me to forgive, I became more and more puzzled and I noticed that for me there is no ONE definition of what that means and what shape forgivness and forgiving take, even though from my upbringing that is what I was made to believe. Each case is different and while in some cases I want to be able to reestablish the friendship, in others I do not and that is my choice and my right! A tough one for me to admit, because I was always expected to be selfless and to make peace with everyone, especially those who hurt me! That's an insane expectation and demand to put on anyone, perhaps an ideal, but not exactly realistic. I guess what you need to decide for yourself as you struggle in your desire and attempt to forgive yourself and your friend for whatever it is that happened between you that hurt you and her/him, if you want that relationship back or not. That's usually the key question for me that will make me take the first step towards that person. It's not easy, but someone has to do it. Just now, it was the necessary step I had to take with my sister Iris last week and while I resisted it for a very long time, because I felt it was she who should take it, feeling wronged by her, it just happened, when I let go of my pride and hurt and decided that I was willing to take that chance and open up to her. We had a conncetion of souls for the first time in years, and on some level that scares me, because it was/is powerful and overwhelming. She is a person I'm willing to reconnect and work on becoming fully reconciled with and to forgive the pain she caused me as best as I can. It will take a while, but this first step was very freeing. I don't know if this is helpful to you at all, but I just wanted to throw out my rambling and confused thoughts.

On another note, thank you for sharing your poem / prose that you wrote/co-wrote about your brother Michael. It was this poem that made me sit down today to write down for the first time in years my anger at some sort of abstract entity out there and cancer that took my Dad's life. I also wrote a letter to him, it would have been his 63rd Birthday today, about my feelings on his death and our relationship in general and I wrote two very angry letters to my two former friends who betrayed me and to the professor who almost raped me. While I'm feeling incredibly tired and exhausted, I'm feeling soothed. Thank you for sharing your feeling so openly with all of us, it helped me today to honestly face my pain and anger in a way I have never done.

About a week ago, when you shared your tears and laughter about Russel's death (in your second entry), the phrase "soul cleansing tears" touched me deeply. While I always felt that way, I never put it that beautifully as you did then. It inspired me to get out my sketch book and draw for the first time in years again and I now have this drawing that is beautiful and meaningful to me called "Soul cleansing tears--inspired by PM". I missed drawing and didn't even know it until last week, so thank you for the inspiration!

Okay, it's time for this exhausted lady to go to bed and get some sleep. Take care of yourself and good luck in forgiving and making peace with yourself and your friend!

Evelyn

Hey Paul,

Thanks for the reply.

Your right, I have learned its easiest when I don't try to be me. Its human to be sensitive about others comments (even if you are guy), and human to want to be liked. Since I have become comfortable with who I am, most of my strength comes naturally, and many people like me because I am me. I like these people who surround me because they are themselves.

I don't know about your personal experience above. Often we forget to look at ourselves for participation in the events that took place that are causing the pain. It looks like you recognized it up front. And wow, the pain can be so great, and the pain could continue even after you forgive yourself. Often I wonder if the pain is there to remind us of that particular situation. Should a similar situation occur, we remember the pain, and have the opportunity to take a different approach. Paul, your pain must be deep. When I experienced the deep pain from my half sisters, I prayed for God to handle that of which I have no control and end the prayer with the prayer from my expired mother.

Oops it 12:12 AM here, time for bed.

Ted

Dear Paul,

I know it's been awhile since I wrote something in the comments area. So here it goes.

Today, I am getting a perm. I had other perms before. I had some that were tight-medium. I going for a loose perm. My appointment's at 1:00 p.m. The only two movies where you had curls in your hair was 'Back of Beyond' and 'Joseph'. You looked handsome in those curls.

I have to go now. Bye for now.

Sara

I love writing poems and I think that was a very inspirational piece of poetry. Please write more, and my heart goes out to Vale.
Love Rachel

Paul:
Thanks for sharing your poetry. I think you should seriously consider putting your book of poetry together and get it published. If the rest is this insightfull, it should make for very good reading.

Movie question of the week: Of all your works, which role best fits your personality.

The better half thinks I visit here a little too often. But I find it very enlightening to hear from all of the other visitors. Someone else referred to it as her p.m. FIX.

To All: Have a good week, mine is half over and next week I have our office all to myself. The boss is going on vacation (1st one in 5 years, I've been told). But my list is long and detailed so I should have no problem staying busy.

Hugs All round.

It is interesting how our reactions to memories change over the years. Time does amazing things. As we get older it is to our benefit to recognize in times of distress that those feelings do not last forever and that one day we will look back on things in a different way. It's like walking between shadows, avoiding the dark spots and moving towards the light.

"Co-Writing With Spirit"

(Now why didn't they offer this course at MY college?)

Paul...look at the tense of that piece of writing. It's present tense. He is still in pain. He was in pain when he came here, was in pain when he left, and still is apparently. I'm sorry, I know that does nothing to console you, but some things are just bigger than us. You are one who can witness and take in SUCH joy. He could not. That is why he was paired with you this time around. Your mother can handle his departure because your Light is taking over the void he left. Rest easilly knowing that you give her such confidence and comfort.

Ok...enough of my channelling Ann Landers...geez. Where do I get off counselling YOU on this matter? I have NO idea...but perhaps I was put here to drivel inane (or not) contemplations on your situation...perhaps.

Love and Light,
Dhiana

hey everyone: this is long and old, but timeless and always worth another read. going on vacation. can't wait to catch up next week upon my return. take care.

Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT

Ladies and gentlemen:

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

1. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh,
never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay beforeyou and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

2. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things thatnever crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4:00 p.m.on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you.

2. Sing.

3. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

4. Floss.

5. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes
you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

6. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the
insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

7. Keep your old love letters.

8. Throw away your old bank statements.

9. Stretch.

10. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

11. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

12. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe
you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

13. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

14. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

15. Read the directions, even if you don't follow
them.

16. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only
make you feel ugly.

17. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

18. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

19. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were
young.

20. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

21. Live in Northern California once, but leave
before it makes you soft.

22. Travel.

23. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do,you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and
children respected their elders.

24. Respect your elders.

25. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a
wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

26. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

27. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

28. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

...But trust me on the sunscreen.

It's funny, I've read that speech a few times now, and I still laugh at it and find it so incredibly on the mark. So--what should I get--Coppertone or Banana Boat (15 or 30 sunscreen)? (lol)

Here's to a better weekend for all.

Hi Paul, Ted, Evelyn, Margie and all,

Evelyn, I totally agree that forgiveness is really a person's choice. I do hope one day I can forgive these people that have done me wrong, but it is so hard to let go.

I know it would be the best thing for me, but I still feel as if letting go will be letting them win or something like that - it's pretty sad that I can know what the right thing to do is, but I cannot bring myself to do it!

Margie, I had a little chuckle about the funeral home experience. My dad always said that he didn't want anything fancy, just throw him in a cardboard box and bury him. When we went to look at caskets (one of the weirdest things to do) it was like shopping for cars, you've got the porsches, then the more affordable cars.

I remember us all glaring at each other when we saw how expensive some of them were and how "cheesy" some were with the ruffled interiors! We chuckled too, and I'm glad we were the only family there also.

We all spotted and agreed on the perfect one at the same time, it was better than a carboard box, but certainly not the steel one with a key. (What's the key about anyway? In case I feel like coming on down?!?)

Paul, that poem is very powerful. Each time I have read it, different things jump out at me. I guess some parts I can relate to.

I am not sure if you will ever understand why your brother and Russell did what they did, but I am not sure if the answer would be of any comfort, it may even cause more pain.

We tend to love having a reason for everything, I believe that way we can box it up, push it aside and move on.

Not having the answer makes you search longer and harder, and maybe in a way that's better - you have to explore yourself, others and life itself before you can find an answer, but even if you don't find it, you've become more aware of yourself and others, perhaps leading you down a better path in life.

Carol

Hi all,

just wanted to tell you that I'm in a much happier state of mind than I was two days ago. Venting was wonderful, and not feeling guilty about it priceless! (okay, now I sound like the Mastercard ads....) Now I feel cleansed and calm. However, I have now managed to utterly confuse myself as to what forgiving really is or means to me. It seems that I'm slipping all over the place, so I guess I have some work to do and explore that through (non-academic!!!!) writing, drawing, or whatever else strikes me as appropriate.

On another completely different note, I have a question that came to me this afternoon as I was working on my third dissertation chapter which deals with the performance of literary texts in medieval Europe during the late twelfth and thirteenth centuries, where I'm trying to argue for a much more flexible performance notion than has been previously believed, because it is still a more memorial culture than a texted one, and "a story" is often written down in strikingly different ways in their medieval manuscript versions. As I was thinking and writing about some of this, I was wondering (and that is just purely my curiosity and has nothing to do with my dissertation) how much flexibility actors have today in performances in terms of what they have to say and how they get/have to say their lines, express their characters etc.? Do you have to stick to the script or do you get to stick to the message and make up your own lines? Are there differences, if the acting is done for film/theater/dance etc.?

Wish I had taken "texas" advice about the sunscreen the other day. Finally a bearable day in Minneapolis when the humidity dropped and the temps only made it to the 80s (as opposed to the upper 90s steam bath we've had for weeks now), I decided to do some reading and thinking outside and of course I was wearing that spaghetti-strap, low cut front and back short dress. Well I look like a lobster and now don't want to wear any clothes....Too hot and too painful! I guess it serves me right, I should have known better, being blond, blue-eyed and fair skinned... but I guess I'll never learn that one. Love being outside too much and even when I wear sunblock, I still get burned.

Okay, now I have to work on designing my own web-site. I do need to get that teaching portfolio up before too long—supposedly that impresses employers and when you are competing against two to three hundred people and there are not even 10 jobs per year in your field, every bit helps, right?

Have a great weekend/Friday/Thursday evening.
Love to all and do something fun!
Evelyn

Evelyn- You're in Minneapolis? That's cool- I'm from Fargo!

Just saw that and needed to comment. And now I need to go get ready for work... I'll read more later.

T.G.I.F., everyone.

Megan

Hi all,

Kay Lynn, I like the Banana Boat 25 spray. It's not sticky, doesn't smell and isn't shiny. I HATE sunscreen even though I'm very fair. This one seems to be the best one I've tryed. My new friend Kelli likes the one by Melaluca. Herbal and all that stuff. I used to sell Avon and I really didn't like the sunscreen, even though it works real well. It's kind of sticky.

Good Luck

Margie

Hi Megan,

so what's it like being from Fargo? Of course you can imagine the first stupid thought that crossed my mind on reading that: Is it really like that as in the movie "Fargo"? Do they really talk like that? etc. Don't bother to answer (unless you feel the urge). I was rather annoyed the first summer I was home after that movie came out, b/c I got all these questions combined with the "how can you live there?" / "Have you completely lost your mind to actually want to live there?" But I actually like living in the Twin Cities, at least for now. :-)

Hope you had a good time at work.
Evelyn

Evelyn, whilst reading your post regarding forgiving I thought to myself you dont have to forgive any one anything if you dont want to! But then you put it wonderfully - those who you wish to reconcile with and have a relationship with then forgiveness needs to be made. So what is "to forgive"? Simply I think it is "to let go". To let go of all the negative feelings thoughts and hurts regarding a relationship and or situation. Put those memories aside, disattatch (if there is such a word and I fear the goddess will speak to me regarding this)the negative feelings from them and move on in the relationship. I have done this with a good freind whom I fell out with. We are now good freinds again and moving on with the positives in our relationship - the memeories are there and occassionaly we talk about it but the pain isnt attatched any more. With the other person I have been dealing with forgiving I have no desire or inclination to forge a new relationship and therefore I am having difficulties detatchng the pain and hurt from the memory - I need to for my sake but not for theirs!

Dhiana - well put and by all means counsel away! I agree with almost all you say. Whilst Michael's spirit was one of pain I dont believe he is somewhere still in pain now. He has gone back to the greater part of the whole to share his experience of the life that was Michael. He has been welcomed and loved and cared for and now reunited with the one Michael exists no more but for us.

Think of an egg. Now take a pin and put an infinite number of tiny holes around the shell. Within the shell of the egg resides the soul. The sould burns bright with pure radient love and for the purpose of this excersice radiates pure light. Now this light streams forth from the infinite number of tiny holes (Evelyn I would love you to draw me this image :) Each light coming from a hole is an aspect of the soul within. The Paul typing this right now is only one aspect of the soul that I come from, belong to, and will go back to upon the occassion of my next birth. There fore there are an infinite number of aspects of the soul I am part of experiencing all kinds of living and life. Once they have fulfilled there experience they go back to the soul (egg) and share that so that the greater part of who we are can grow, develop, understand and enlighten.

Michael and Russel are now back with their greater selves, having a beer and discussing their next escapade.

Carol you win when you take the steps to move on in your life on your terms not any body elses. You win when you chose to not be a victim to any one elses actions. They lose because they.....because YOU SAY SO! Who cares, about them or what they think! You care about you, you focus on you and your loving and you will grow as you wish and you will be free to be YOU.

I have been thinking about your response, Paul, and how you said that you don't have to forgive anyone unless you want to. I agree with you that forgiveness is voluntary. But I also think that forgivness is entirely different than forgetting the wrongs that have been done against you. For me, forgiveness is allowing time (and the wisdom that comes with it) to heal you. Once you can accept whatever it was that happened, you can begin to come to terms with the fact that although it was wrong you are strong enough and good enough on your own to get through it--- then you can stop harboring anger and pain.
There've been a few select negative people in my life that throughout the years I've decided to write out of my relationships rather than simply forgive. But as time passes I begin to realise that just writing them out... refusing to reconcile... isn't enough. Somewhere deep down I'm still hurt by whatever has happened even if I don't want to believe it-- that's why I refuse to reconcile. And I continue to allow myself to be hurt by ignoring it all together and acting like it never happened.
So instead I try to deal with things right away--whatever emotions come-- and allow some form of peace to come along with them. Once I'm over my own hurt (basically, once I've accepted it and given myself permission to feel it) then I've automatically forgiven them. There's no need to worry about whether or not I'm still upset- because I won't be. Does this make sense? I hope so... It's kind of late here, and my brain has been on vacation in Hawaii most of this week... I only wish it had invited my body. Good Night all, and sweet dreams!

Megan
p.s. Evelyn: being from fargo is about as interesting as it sounds! lol. It is, however, much different than the movie. The movie FARGO wasn't even filmed here- it was filmed near Bemidji, MN. And no, we don't talk like they do in the movie...well,OK, some of us do... but I don't!! :) You're lucky to live in the Twin Cities, it's great down there. We try to go every couple of months just to revisit "civilization". And thank you, yes, work was lovely.

I think sometimes forgiving is something we do for ourselves as much as the person we are forgiving. To carry around pain and anger is so difficult for the person who is carrying it. It hurts us more than the people we have a hard time forgiving.

Sometimes forgiveness is an ongoing process where it takes time to let pain go and it happens a little at a time.

Forgiving ourselves indiscretions is the hardest thing of all since we are our own harshest critics.

Forgiveness is the process by which we resolve negative conflicts within ourselves and has a lot more to do with how we feel than the forgivee. Being able to forgive and let go of pain keeps us healthy and strong. It is an emotional exercise and when done properly feels REALLY good.

Hope you are doing well Paul. It's been a rough year but here you are. Here you are.... PEACE.

Dear Paul,

I am sure that you are aware of the new film that Brad Pitt is planning to produce and star in this coming fall...to all of you other lovely people I want you to know that the picture will be filmed in Sydney, at the new Fox Studios, where "Moulin Rouge" was produced, and other locations will be on Australia's Gold Coast, north of Sydney.

The whole project is going to cost $130 million, and will undoubtedly provide tons of jobs for Australians, including actors and actresses, (hint, hint!)

Paul, I hope your talent agency (and Tara's too) are on the ball on this one!

I got my information from the Sydney Morning Herald, which I read every day on the Internet.
(www.smh.com.au) Click: "Entertainment".. Veddy interesting!

Cheers to you all!

Great-Grandma Mildred Levine from Florida
(where else?)

...I must have had a "senior moment" for I forgot
to mention the name of Brad Pitt's planned new
film...it is "The Fountain."

I, personally, hate it already, Paul. It can't hold a candle to you-know what, my favorite movie of all-time, (and now glorious again on DVD.)

Great-Grandma Mildred...again.

Paul,

you might just get your wish on the drawing, although it is a tough one!!! When I read your post last night, this image intrigued me, then put me in a panic spin, after all I've not really drawn in years and am just playing around with sketching for now, trying things out, attempting to (re)develop my own style, but then I decided that this could be a very fun project for me to participate in--spreading my wings and learning to fly. I have no idea how to draw the soul you describe or how to represent the pure, radiant love/light, but perhaps it will come to me eventually. There are some very intricate concepts going on in this image, if you really think about it, such as the dynamic relationships between the inside and outside of the egg shell, the relationship between our physical bodies in the now and our soul in the then, our experiences going to the soul and the sould radiating things out, very complex and deep. I must have thought about this image/concept last night in my sleep, because I woke up this morning with a few ideas about the visualization of your image/idea, and I think it would be very interesting to explore it through different media, such as a black and white pencil drawing, silk painting and some digital photo collage/montage. But perhaps the strongest image that formed in my mind is one of motion, bodies moving and very specific lighting effects. Ever thought about dancing this "image" for yourself? I'd definitely love to see it! I'll keep you posted if I feel that I can capture or have captured this image in some sort of satisfactory way. And by the way, you are now officially "hired" as one of my artistic muses. :-)

On the other discussion about forgiving, thank you to all of you for sharing your thoughts on this. It is helpful to me and clarifying on the rational level what it is, even though I still have no idea what practical steps I'm supposed to take, how to let go of the negative feelings/thoughts/memories. It is infinitely more difficult for me to do that when it is within a context of not-reestablishing a relationship, so I totally agree with you there Paul and that it is more about myself/yourself than those who inflicted the hurt. By the way I love the word disattach, and I think it should become part of official English! But as Ruby said carrying around the pain and anger is difficult and I don't want to carry it any longer. It seems that I've done it for too long already, but it is okay, even though my perfectionist side tells me it is not and that I should have been able to resolve this a long time ago. I will get there and for now I have to practise random acts of kindness for myself and not become my harshest critic.

Okay, this has become rather long again (I do need to practise writing shorter entries...) so I'm out for now.
Love,
Evelyn

Ps. Megan, next time you come to "civilization", do you want to do something together? I understand your "civilization" concept. When I lived in Baton Rouge, New Orleans kept me sane in many ways, but specifically culturally.

Riddle me this, Batman:
"Why does one think of Paul when cleaning the chicken coop? Especially since his soul/egg post hadn't even been SEEN by my eyes YET???"

Methinks the universe is jabbing me in the ribs again! Just making sure I am awake, I guess. (And I was actually trying to figure out just WHAT I was thinking about that would make me think of you, Paul, while cleaning...and I couldn't. It was weird! And now, apparently even MORE weird!!!)

Child of More Than I Care To Admit,
Dhiana

Dhiana--read the "a view on creation" thread. It has been gloriously continued. . . I won't give TOO much away, but let's just say it involves paul and a skirt. . . :)

So... I'm meeting my birth mom tomorrow (Wednesday) afternoon, and I never knew that butterflies in your stomach could be this bad!! And unfortunately I work the slow shift AND close tonight. I think there's a good chance that my mind might be wandering. But I'll let you all know how it turns out tomorrow as promised!

Love ya guys,
Megan

p.s. Evelyn: Your offer sounds great- I would love to meet up in Minneapolis, however I am moving to NYC in under two months so I don't really have any trips planned (That will be the BIG culture shock! haha) But if plans do change and I find myself in the Twin Cities, I'll let you know. And of course, if for some reason you and up in Fargo (although I can't imagine why) be sure to look me up.
And in less than two months, you'll all have a New York tour guide! Cheers!

m: good luck tomorrow. you will be in my thoughts.

p.s. been living in nyc for 3 years if you need any concrete jungle advice. it's one of the greatest cities in the world. welcome.

Paul-

I lost my uncle to suicide a little over a year ago, and my sister has tried twice. Your poem took all the thoughts that have swirled around my head on the issue and put them on paper (um. . screen?). You know what I mean. Thanks.

-Sarah

Dhiana, perhaps you were thinking of me in my cut off jeans cleaning the coup??? But since you havce a coup I was wondering which came first for you....the chicken or the egg?

Sarah, Thank You.

PAUL!!! *blush*

Oh, allright. Busted. Dammit.

Dhiana

...and the chickens came first, as little day old fuzzy peeps. (As they're only 14wks old, they won't start laying for another month or two...poor things. ;-))

They didn't smell HALF as badly then!

*Dhi*

Megan.....You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sure after you get there and meet her you will feel so much better and loose those butterflys. I live about 45 mins out side NYC in CT and if u ever need someone to talk to or do something with just let me know. Also don't forget you can email me any time.

Just so you have something to compare your experience to, when I met my birth mother I was sort of in shock. It was like I had so many feelings at once I couldn't feel any of them. I was more observing and taking it all in than anything else. I think I still feel that way sometimes....Lol! It just takes a while to sink in. It's still sinking in for me. Just curious Megan how old you are. I was 28 when I found my birth mother five years ago.

Good Luck!!!!!!

Your Friend,

Ruby

Megan.....You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sure after you get there and meet her you will feel so much better and loose those butterflys. I live about 45 mins out side NYC in CT and if u ever need someone to talk to or do something with just let me know. Also don't forget you can email me any time.

Just so you have something to compare your experience to, when I met my birth mother I was sort of in shock. It was like I had so many feelings at once I couldn't feel any of them. I was more observing and taking it all in than anything else. I think I still feel that way sometimes....Lol! It just takes a while to sink in. It's still sinking in for me. Just curious Megan how old you are. I was 28 when I found my birth mother five years ago.

Good Luck!!!!!!

Your Friend,

Ruby

Hey Paul, Carol, Evelyn, Margie,

Paul just read some of your briefs, and again I agree about forgiving and letting things go. One can be much happier.

Strangest thing happened to me two weeks ago at work. The woman (Lindsey) in the office next to me has an ill mother. I hear her conversing often on the telephone with her boyfriends and her family about her life. Not that I am eves droping, just some conversasions on and off. I remembered what I did when my mother was ill, realizing it was all about her illness (she was terminal) and not about me.

I spoke with Lindsey, reminded her we only get one mother, and as much as our parents love us, they also don't want us to worry about them when they become ill. Their emotions and ours will conflict and change when one is ill, sometimes due to the medication and others due to emotions. I spoke a little to Lindsey who then decided to stay home a few evening and spend them with her mother. Her mother became very happy over the next few days. Lindsey became more comfortable with herself and more able to concentrate on her work. She was so excited on Thursday when she came to work and told me her mother asked her to go out and have dinner with one of her boyfriends that she really likes.

Lindsey is a strong woman, and was holding back her emotions towards her situation and hiding them by escaping the presence of her mother. Now she is sharing time with her mother. I believe Lindsey is accepting where she is in life and letting the love she has deep inside of her be outwardly expressed with her mother. She has accepted herself, and where she is.

I have been home since Monday and Lindsey and I communicate through e-mail. She was so happy coming into work on Monday, but sadden that I was out. I left her a voice mail and called her Monday morning. Lindsey wanted to share with me how happy she is, what she did with her mother, and about her date (La Palma Guy). She is a remarkable person.

Lindsey is like a sister I never had.

I will return to work later today. Linsdey wants to see my go-tee that I have groan since Saturday. Today I will pick up my pay check, clear off my desk, and leave. I plan to resign during the next few days. Its been the happiest place for me to work, and now its time for me to move on. Will I see another Lindsey??? I think so.

Working on a web page with some pictures and will try to get one up today. What do people usually look for, what do they want to see. Any suggestions: tedscheidell@cs.com.

Everyone Have a Great Day!!!!

Paul, your site has been incrediably helpful for me. I missed some of your movies, still planning on watching more. Can you tell me more what it is like in your town?

Ted

Hi Ted and everyone else,

thanks for sharing your experience with Lindsey and I'm glad you were able to help her and enrich her life and that of her Mum and it seems yours as well. It's tough to leave such wonderful people behind. My co-worker quit today as well, because she and her husband are moving away and I'm feeling rather blue and sad right now and she's only been gone for less than two hours. :-( For this and other reasons, I found great encouragement in your story and those of everyone else who posts here. Visiting this site has forced me to look at my life and what I want to do with it much more honestly than I have done in a long time. It's a little scary right now, but getting out of that comfort zone is necessary and good, at least that's what I know intellectually and tell the emotional side of my self.

With regards to Ted's question about the web site, that depends on what it is for--Is it about your private life, your professional qualifications, etc. I'm working on two web sites right now, my own and that of the office I'm working in, so if you want to bounce off or share ideas, let me know (perhaps off this discussion).

Megan, I'm thinking about you today and I hope that meeting Mum will be the best thing that ever happened to you and her.

Evelyn

Hi Evelyn,

Thank you for sharing. I like the idea to have one cite from work and the other from home. This could actually be fun with pictures and such.

I just finished a web site, but need to edit a few mispelled words and add pictures.

Need to run, starting a new job today. Lindsey was so excited for me, but I could see in her eyes she will miss me. She called my cell and home last night. She is the best.

http://ourworld.cs.com/tedscheidell/myhomepage/profile.html

Attention Race fans...

(and I do know that this is a bit inapropriate for this thread, but I will assume Russell wouldn't mind a post about something you, Paul, hold dear to your heart)

The owner of our company (who, oddly enough, works for ME as one of the programmers on one of my projects--no such thing as hierarchy here! Yay!) hosts all the employees to a "do" at Watkins' Glen (about 40 minute's from our house). It's the US Vintage Grand Prix, and they mentioned the Cooper car, so of COURSE I thought of you (even though I am unsure if this is the same "Cooper"/Brewing company, or just a model name for a different make of vehicle.

Regardless, let me know what I should be looking out for (besides flying debris off the track)so I can be duely impressed and report back. It's the wknd of Sept 7-8.

Vrooom!
Dhiana

PS. Here's an interesting article on Vintage Racing in the US. The link is long, and you have to have Adobe Acrobat. Or you can just go to www.watkinsglen.com and goof off there. The link: http://dbserver.iscmotorsports.com/TheGlen/pdf/WGI%202002%20Media%20Guide%20Section%206.pdf

Dear Paul and all,

Update....

I didn't get my perm yet because my hair is damaged. So I have to strengthen my hair before
the perm can happen. I have to wait.

Sara

Dear Paul,

here's a brief update on your/my/our image of the soul-egg-radiant love--By the way, what is this image going to be called? I think you should name it! But you don't have to; only if you want to--After some really weird looking attempts--and I really mean weired [whatever it is that came out of the "egg" looked more like billowing smoke and not at all like radiant light/love--I just finished a preliminary sketch that I think might begin to get at what you were describing. Just thought you might like to know that, and also that I'm having LOTS of fun with it!!! :)

Bye for now and love to all.
Evelyn

I do so enjoy everyone's deep thoughts, I guess my mind just doesn't run that deep. Maybe it needs enlightening, you all are doing that for me.
However I am all for forgiving and forgetting, it is easier than getting even. I've been known to do the latter more often than not.
At my age you have to be more forgiving and forgetting or there won't be anyone at the funeral. I know, a little morbid, but we sat down with a lawyer this week and started putting together our Will and Durable Power of Attorney. My brother, 14 years my junior, got nominated to be executor of our estate and responsible if anything should happen to both of us at the same time. He is sooo excited!!! Now we have to figure out who is going to get custody of all our junk. Any Taker's? Now everyone can't have the Paul Mercurio Collection!!!

I know it is Aug. 2nd down under and that you celebrate Father's Day this month, tho you wouldn't tell us when. So, just so you get this in plenty of time, I thought I would pass this on to you now.

"Of all nature's gifts to the human race, what is sweeter to a man than his children."
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Paul, enjoy your Father's Day with the girls, I know they will dote on you grandly.

Now, on to important matters. Is the first episode of body & soul airing on the 10th? What prospects if any are there in the Brad Pitt movie?
Where did you get the music for your solo dance scene in SB? I've carried all of my CD's to the office to listen to this week. I don't think the boss would relish some of this stuff, anyway I ran across an Alan Parson's instrumental that starts out and finishes up an awful lot like that piece. (yes I bought the CD of SB "Original Sound Track" and yes they got a nasty call from me. It doesn't even come close to following the movie, and the young lady had the nerve to ask me how I knew. DUH!!!!)
Okay, so maybe I am a little over the edge.
Well, one more day by myself, Boss is back Saturday, but I'm not working Saturday.
All you Paul Fans, and Paul too, have a wonderful weekend.

so, found out this week that my mom has hepatitus c that she apparently got from my father some 30 years ago before i was born, which means i could have it, too...bummer. getting tested in a couple weeks. kinda makes mortality all the more tangible. but, who knew my mom would ever have something in common with pamela anderson??

on an up note, signed up for a month of ballroom dancing lessons -- viennese waltz, foxtrot and tango. p, i read somewhere you aren't too crazy about ballroom [and i always believe what i read ;)], but it's cheaper than yoga and therapy here in NYC, so i am soooo looking forward to it.

enjoy your weekend.

I just keep getting these little bits of wisom thru my e-mail. This latest one fits this thread so I thought I would pass it on:

The fire of anger only burns the angry.
Chinese Proverb.

Have a good weekend.

Hi Sherrlyn, of cource, Paul and all,

Great proverb.

more later

Margie

As we all are: thinking of Megan and her meeting with her birth Mom. Best of luck!!

Body and Sould begins on tely here August 10th. One of the head honchos from Fox Los Angelas saw the first episode and loved it and it I would not be surprised to see it playing on Fox cable in the US some time in the future!!

As far as the Brad Pit movie goes I have not heard any casting news as yet. I will definately be keeping an ear to the ground on that one and hope if there is a role for me I get the chance to audition!!!!

Sara, waiting is tough but rather than waiting I am sure you will fill the time with something positive and rewarding for yourself.

Evelyn: mmmmm a name for the image...mmmm Radiance of the Soul
The power Within
Universal Law

It would be great to see the image and name it or we all could make suggetions and then you could decide a name.

Dhaina, I have a racing game on my computer called Grand Prix Legends. It is great game. One of my favourite tracks is Watkins Glen. Word od caution after coming down the straight you go through a right then a left going up hill into an other right then a small straight. Your braking point is prior to coming over the top of the hill (depending how fast you are going)If you brake too late you are going down hill and turning right - I generally end up on the grass and into the fence!!! Thankfully it is only a game. Have FUN!!

Ted thanks for your story and your web site looks good!

Is it just me, or is everyone glad the weekend is finally here?

I'm not sure what is going on in the rest of the US, but here in Eastern PA, we haven't dipped below 90 in days, and with the humidity added, we've blown past 100 almost every day.

Any one of you have a nice pool/pond/lake we could all converge upon and have a nice swim? I'll bring the steaks. Obviously, Paul'll bring the beer.

Enjoy, one and all. Stay cool!!!

I keep checking everyday for word from Megan about her reunion with her mom. Having these exchanges with Paul and the wonderful friends on this site is so much more exciting than most of what's on TV. (Paul's show will, of course, be the exception. On the other hand, the last TV series my husband worked on was named one of the worst of all times. That's okay. He had fun and he had a regular paycheck. And I'm sure the viewing public survived the trauma.)

It would be great if your show came to the U.S., Paul! I'll be sending my strongest positive vibes your way on August 10th, my birthday. My boys try to get me to join them in video racing games. I think they do it so they can laugh at me and my total lack of coordination. That's me. Cheap entertainment.

I've read so many great posts here on the topic of forgiveness. I agree with many who say that it's something we do to heal ourselves rather a benefit for the offender. My son has been in pain lately over some perceived mistreatment. I suggested he forgive the person in question for their ignorance, immaturity, whatever it was that caused the problem. Then I told him about a friend I'd had for more than two decades who wrote me off because of our philosophical/political differences. At first, I was stunned and hurt. But I finally had to acknowledge that we had both changed and it was time to let the relationship go. I don't let go of anything easily, but at this point in my life, I just don't have the time or energy to waste on bitterness.
Ted, what a great friend you've been to Lindsey. Good luck on your next endeavor.

Texas, sorry to hear about your mom. I'll say some prayers for her.

Best wishes to everyone for a fun and relaxing weekend.

Diane

Good morning everyone!
It's way too early to be up around 5 am on Sat. morning, but the body (i.e. mine, not the MN governor!!!) thinks otherwise, but at least I get to enjoy the cooler temps and the sunrise which should come up soon. Just wish I was at the ocean to watch it.

Okay, back to drawing: Paul, you of course have a very good point about it being difficult to name something without having seen it (even though I think you must have an image of the image in your head, since you described it) I didn't think that one through and was clearly thinkingout loud, when I typed my earlier post asking you to name the image. Once I have a completed version that's not a rough draft, I can scan it and you and everyone else who cares, can look at it and name it. I'll post it to my website (if it is done by then, or done enough to put up on the web). It has turned into a much bigger production than initially intended and it will take a while to digitize some of my teaching video tapes and turning some of the multi-media materials I created for my courses into web-format, since some of the software I created them in is not web-able. Nuff said about that. I will let you guys know when I post it there and what the URL will be (not quite sure about that this moment).

Oh, I have another question for Paul--why an egg as the locus/embodiement of the soul?

And Ted, I like your website too, but I would also add a picture of your dogs, since they come up a few times and I most likely would have reduced the image of yourself somewhat in size, since I don't even get to see it in it's entirety on my screen (I have a lap top and even though it has a goodly size screen as far as lap tops go, it still doesn't quite make it on there). But those are just my spontaneous thoughts and suggestions....

Now I need to run, if I want to enjoy that sunrise down by the like, which is close to where I live. I'm out of here and hope you all have wonderful days/weekends!
Evelyn

of course I meant to type "that sunrise down by the lake" not like....

Hi everyone! Long time no speak! :-)

It's been a crazy few weeks, I haven't had much pc time! I quickly skimmed through all the new posts since I was last around, so if I missed some stuff, please forgive me! :-)

Megan, I hope all went well with your birth mom. Since we haven't heard from you yet, I hope it's a great sign (no news is good news!)

Paul, it would be fabulous if FOX picked up your series, then I would be able to see it in Canada on a US station!

I also hope you get to at least audition for a role in the Brad Pitt movie, they'd be crazy not to have you! :-)

Ted, Lindsey has a great friend in you. It's great to have a good friend at such a trying time and always.

Your website is nice, I had a laugh at the taking pictures of food and putting them in an album - very cute! You'll have menu pictures if you ever start a restaurant!

I also would like to see pictures of your dogs on the website. I am not sure if you're still looking for things to put on your website, but as time goes on, you think of new things to do, new things to add, etc.

My webpage started very basic, but as time goes by I have more ideas and I like to try different things. When I have time, I want to revamp some of my older stuff with new pictures and graphics. (Again, when I have time!)

Have fun with your page, it's fun to explore new things! If you want to peek at mine:

http://www3.sympatico.ca/tweetskeek/index.html

Texas, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom.

I see Paul has posted a new entry, so I am off to check that out now.

Take care everyone.

xoxo Carol

thanks diane and carol s.