Paul's Corner

Paul, I'm so sorry, I had hoped it was getting easier with the passing years. There are some pains that do not go away, they are not designed to.

I know it's not my place to say, you've allowed people to know more about you than they let you see of them, and sometimes, perhaps, we read more into your words than you would like.

I know many people would take a proprietarily protective stance over you, but that's not my style. I tend to shoot straight from the hip.
Keep writing, it will help, even if you don't write it here. Just keep getting it out of your body. And for what it's worth, I'll send warmth along the way, whether you receive it as prayers or peace, or simply a warm glow. (that's the sum of my proprietary protection.)

-Melanie

So moving Paul. I can't even begin to try to imagine what you've been through and are still going through. I read your 2 other poems about your brother and they too are very moving.

Lots of Love to you.
Clair. XXX

This is a tough one to respond to.
Esp.. since I've not lost anyone through suicide, through death, yes. Although I strongly believe that those who have moved on still exist and that I can talk to them whenever I need to or that they talk to me whether I want to listen or not, but it's not the same as having them sit in front of me and talking face to face, seeing them, being able to touch their face, see them smile or be angry, frustrated etc. But I take comfort from the fact that they are still out there, albeit in a different form. It sometimes eases the pain of their not being there in human embodiment, and sometimes it doesn't.
But most importantly, I found, that allowing them to be where they are and be in the existence they are in, or perhaps better put as "accepting their new state", to be freeing, rather than wanting them to still be here with me.

What is surprising is that these thoughts and feelings just invite themselves into your day for no reason and univited. Time does heal pain (though not completely)and things do indeed get easier but every now and then a trigger is pulled and you are hurtled headlong in to the past, immersed there for a moment and then left back in the present dripping as it where with those memories and feelings. Strange isnt it?

For me it is the legacy of suicide but for others it would be the legacy of death - I am sure I would feel the same if Michael had of died from natural or accidental causes.

As I like, I think, I feel and sometimes I write and then I share.

I often lurk here, but very seldom post... But as one who has lost a father to suicide, I just wanted to send a brief nod of understanding across the miles. Beautiful poem...beautiful sentiment.

It is a wound that never completely heals. A pain we learn to bear, but are never free of. Those we love are like compass points we navigate our lives by and the loss of one, particularly when it is to suicide, makes piloting the course more arduous. We can be surrounded by friends and family but there is always one empty chair at the table that can never be filled.

Without the joy these fragile souls brought us, we could never survive the grief their suicides left behind. I am holding on to that joy. I hope you can too.

You are very brave, Paul.

It is strange, isn't it, when loved ones who are gone often slip into your mind when you least expect it.

I like to tell my grandchildren, who are still at an age when innocence is a blessing, that whenever we see a penny lying on the ground, it means that someone who has passed on wants us to know they're watching over us and have thrown down a penny from heaven for us to find. Then, we pick it up and remember those who have gone before us, keeping them alive in our hearts.

Thinking of you, Paul, and wishing you peace.

Sally C.

Nobody close to me has ever died so I don't know how this feels. I mean I've lost uncles who I barely knew and a grandfather who lived half an hour away but sadly was a complete mystery to me. I have been close to people grieving and so wished i could share something of their pain but I don't think this would help them even if it was possible.
My mother has lost a fair few of her family now and meets them in dreams sometimes, usually when someone else is about to die, which is quite wierd but feels right apparently.
I know this is off the topic and not at all the same thing, but lately I've been remembering quite vividly all thse people from my past who I havn't seen in years, didn't even know I remembered. I heard once that our brains have the capacity to remember absolutely everything of our lives, just we don't have the power to harness it or something. I guess that can only be a good thing!

Love and prayers to all,
take care xxx

It is interesting, when these moments hit and bring back the pain with an intensity, I get those too!

and then there are moments when I freak out because I haven't thought for a while about the people who have gone from my life and moved on and I end up feeling guilty because I tend to equate it with not loving them enough or not considering them important enough to remember frequently. I know that's not really true, but that's the difference between the intellectual and the emotional response to a situation.

Hello all,

I have read the last few posts. This one I have to comment on, since we lost my brother-in-law to suicide about 8 years ago as well. Although the agonizing, painful part of losing him has subsided, there is always a "feeling" that hangs over our house around the time he left us, which was May. I often think of what he would've thought of me marrying his borther, as we weren't even together when Matthew died. I think he would have approved. But I can identify with Paul's feelings of wishing that he could just pick up the phone, and talk to his brother again. I think my husband longs for that every day of his life.

That's really all I had to say. I guess, that I know how you feel Paul.

Tracie

Being I've only read this site since March, I was not aware of you losing your brother, especially in that way.

While we say that time eases the pain, and we may heal through sharing and writing, nothing really fills that space when we lose someone for whom we care so deeply, except maybe with love in our hearts, which you show deeply in this poem.

May God give you a hug today!

I'm moved to tears...

I keep thinking, for a number of years now, I'll live that regular normal life...but the darkness still happens. When will the mind be quiet?

Lovely poem Paul...pause and wonder...

Paul,
That was so evocative of the feelings of loss; it brought tears to my eyes.
I haven't lost anyone close by suicide, but have lost both parents, and the same thing happens there. Things happen, and the first thought is to tell Mom or how much Dad would love this book, movie, etc.
I can only imagine how much more it hurts under those circumstances.
As always, eloquently put and from the heart.
hugs,
deltalady aka Sally

Dear Paul,

I know that the pain will always be with you. I know that some days are better than others. I know that sometimes, something happens, even something good, and it throws you right into the face of the deepests, most touching feelings and memories. I know that a sort of melancholy personality feels these things so much deeper than some others do.

I used to pout when I was a child. When I was dissappointed with the way others acted, or treated me. When events didn't turn out in what I thought was a fair and decent manner. I still do this. How do we decide how to move on...are we ever really supposed to? I think we are. We just revisit the pain when we need to until we know it's time.

I say, you should never stuff those feelings and always feel free to express them. I'm sure you aren't dwelling in sadness. It's just so hard to let go.

We love you Paul and please don't suffer. He wouldn't want you to.

You're an awesome man!

I think love and death are a close relation. For those who chose to die are those some how chosing to love. They are trying to kill off hate. I can understand that unfortunately but Paul thank god you are not that desperate...you have shown so much love through your presence such actions are not necessary. I recently have been watching a lot of Rudoph Valentino movies and I see you in him in some respects.
Lots of love,
Tea

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

Antoine de Saint Exupery

Paul,

I've been watching your ProFloraActiv Diary. What a very public challenge you've taken! It sounds like you're sticking with it, let us know here how you do at the end, will you?

-Melanie

Hello everyone,
totally off topic, just a quick hello from my new home. I'm glad the moving part is over!!! in the last days before the move, so many unexpected things happened that made this move very annoying! flooded basement soaking all the boxes that were stored there, moving crew that was supposed to help me load the truck cancelled 1 1/2 hours before they were supposed to be there (supposedly they had car trouble and couldn't make it ... ever heard of a rental car?!? and how can it be that from four movers who do this professionally none of them has a functioning car???), then they had also miscalculated the size of the truck, i.e. I couldn't get everything in it and couldn't get a bigger one either--I have amazing friends. One of them called her husband and he and his colleagues dropped everything and helped me load the truck and also loaned their company van to a friend of mine who was going to drive with me to put the things in it that didn't fit into the truck. Amazingly, we only left 2 1/2 hours later and we made it to the 2/3s point of the trip that evening and also arrived in time in MO where the movers actually showed up. However, whoever ordered the 98F and super-humid weather for that day, I will have to strangle if and when I come across them!!! Ever since that day, it's been more pleasant.
I like it here, even though I still have a lot of unpacking to do. Did quite a bit of sightseeing with my friend and her 8-year old daughter since I got here. They are now driving back to MN :-( and I'm going to tackle the kitchen now. I'm sick and tired of not having silver wear out ...

Hope you are all well & enjoying your day!
Evelyn

Happy housewarming, Evelyn! Hope you like MO. We're struggling under almost a solid foot of rain right now. I've never actually seen the beltway closed before. Have a great time unpacking, it's sort of like Christmas!

-Melanie

Every since my brother killed himself, I have dreams of him. I think, why are you doing that? You should be doing X or Y, then I realize in the dream that it doesn't matter what he does because he's dead. It's very haunting.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, and I hope that time will help at least bring acceptance if not healing.

Sadly, I suspect the loss never really becomes a far off memory. As someone so eloquently put it, that very noticable empty chair at family gatherings is always a reminder. Every birthday which rolls quietly by only pronounces how old they would have been that day. It feels like the end of era, where family life never seems to roll back into that familiar place. Anguish, manifests into grief, which eventually manifests itself into eventual acceptance. How we long for a brief moment that our minds could be still and at peace, everyday always wishing that by just glancing over, we would see them laughing, sipping a soda one more time and the world would be right again. Ultimately, all we really can do is to cherish those that are with us and to tell them often how much we love them.

Paul,

your poem entitled "Legacy" is beautiful and heartfelt. I feel your words. I saw you in the movie "Joseph" tonight on the TBN network, while visiting my parents in Los Angeles. You were awesome. A new fan.

John

it seems that each year i cry louder and harded
i wasn't expecting this poem
i've been crying for ages and can't stop
it hurts so much, his loss
how can we bear it some days and not others
tonight it's bad
i can't dull the pain
america doesn't have the double big tissues mum has
i think he was brave in his choice
i, weak in mine
who is better off
i cant stop the terrible noise that is coming out of me, or the cramping of my face and stomach
sometimes missing him is too much to bear
tonight it's just that