Paul's Corner

HELLO PC FRIENDS,

I have found that I'm never totally free of the thoughts and angst of the abuse. I'm super sensitive when abuse is directed soley on a child. I suppose it's what made dealing with the death of my mother so confusing. She was a complicated woman who lived a complicated life and died a complicated death. The past wasn't fixed enough but enough to get me through to the other side.

I keep in mind that each experience helps form who we are. I'm choosing to not be a complicated woman living a complicated life. I don't want my children trying to figure me all of the time.

HUGS,
Abeth

Hello friends!
I am late, but I wish a happy New Year and peace for all. I want to see more movies this year of Paul!
About what Paul wrote here in Brazil do not have many resources to see the translations because I do not speak English and did not understand very well what was written, but I agree with what Paul wrote (even not having understood nothing) hehehehehe .. .
A big kiss to all and even more
Maria Horos

Paul and PCs--

I not ignoring what Paul wrote--getting my thoughts together on his comments on a very important issue which no matter how we try to educate and bring awareness, it continues.

Will make a more appropriate comment to Paul's new post later.

Please forgive this *quick response* to Grandma Mil on her waltz question--my most favorite waltzes are written by Richard Rodgers. Some I love--Do I Hear a Waltz?; The Most Beautiful Girl in the World; Carousel Waltz.

Thanks all! :)

Paul,

Aren't we continuing to let them screw us over every time we think of the painful memories? Don't we let it kill us a little more inside each time we allow ourselves to reminise about the pain? Still, I suppose we have to think about the negative for a moment so that we can apreciate the good and the present and be grateful all the more.

Abeth, I am so relating to your post at this time in my life.

Love to all,
Kelly

Paul,

It is as if I wrote those words myself. I could not relate more if I wanted to! I knew there was a reason why I came upon this site and this part of my life, and now I am convinced. It sure doesn't seem coincidental.

I also do not have the answers. I do think by being a prisoner of the pain, we do allow those who hurt us to hold us there, but I also feel I have no choice in the matter of letting go, although I realize, it is said, that it is ONLY my choice, if that makes sense. How is it possible to let something that damages our very soul go? I have not found the way to do that without desensitizing my very life force. Is it immaturity that traps us? They say if the innocence is robbed at a tender age, you cease to mature. I believe this. Is it possible in this life to escape unharmed? I don't think so. So we must be living this life for the purpose of learning from our painful experiences. It's taking me my whole life to accomplish this. Is it that we exist long enough to learn so that we can exist in a world without these lessons and pain when we leave this life? A very large part of me believes this to be true. A small part of me is becoming more uncertain of the unknown as I age. Is the idea of a world or existence without pain what may be unrealistic and not what is happening in this life? I hate that all of my speculations seem to go in circles with no answers. I guess I have a long way to go. My gut does tell me that the only way to heal is to learn acceptance and how to let go and let God. I don't mean this in a religious way. Whatever god is to anyone, is not my point. Letting go and giving it up to the universe, to nature, to loving, to your self love, we can't hold it to ourselves forever. It stunts us from growing. I sure do pray that all of us find our answers and our way to peace within ourselves. They say with age comes wisdom. Some us, unfortunately don't get there until our lives are mostly done living. It's a shame. I want to learn it while I can still enjoy life!

We'll have to let it go and find a way to achieve healing.

Paul,

I'm really sad you've been hurting...

I hope that whomever/whatever it was that triggered you to feel and subsequently write this post is not causing you the same amount of pain/angst that you were obviously feeling when it was penned.

Hug the ones you love.

Addit:

Thanks to all for your "welcomes". You really are a very friendly and generous bunch of people.
I find this so refreshing.

Hi everyone

Thank you for such wonderful comments to read.

Abeth - Your words really hit the target for me. I had an auntie who I loved very much and she too was a "complicated woman who lived a complicated life and died a complicated death" So many things remind me of her and she had a great appetite for life and for love. She has been dead for over 20 years and I still miss her all the time. I felt what you meant in my heart.

Kelly - I think you are also right in saying that we have to try not to re-visit the painful memories too often or we are letting those who caused us pain to somehow win. I was married to a violent, cruel and abusive person and I think that dwelling on those years too often is giving him some sort of victory. Having said that, sometimes memories do reappear at the oddest times and when you least expect it.

Mary S - Your words are so lovely and profound. Giving it up to the universe and whatever god or sense of otherness you believe in, is a wonderful philosophy. It may be hard to achieve but it is ultimately worth the effort.

Paul - Once again, a timely and highly relevant topic. You are so right about that sort of person living their lives in fear and in the end, that is their real punishment. Sometimes we may not think that any sort of real justice is being done, but karma and psychology are funny beasts. What goes around often does come around.

Thank you everyone again for your wisdom and your sharing.

Love to all
Michele L

Everyone goes through some form of abuse - be it mental, physical, emotional or sexual. Unfortunately some suffer all 4. It's not fair and sadly it still happens. There are no answers, no punishment ever fits the crime and some cases are never even reported. What does that tell us about the human race?

I can see how intensely you feel when you relive the pain of that memory. The reliving part hooks you and brings you back to that moment. I also see that you are alive to the feeling and are aware of how powerful that hurt feeling catches you each time. When you ride that tide, you get pummelled again, but I also see that you are consciously riding the tide. Unlike the perpetrators who continue to live in ignorance. The difference is that I hear you choose love, even feeling compassion for those who continue to lose themselves in those selfish actions. I see your awareness of what is happening and being with the emotions as they happen and at that key moment choosing love and kindness--for yourself and even for those that have caused harm. I am not saying justice should not be sought, but I see how much of a leap you have done already.

I firmly agree that the evil doers in this world do not leave it in a state of peace, which is our ultimate goal here and one that I believe all of us will achieve. I believe this because something has brought us all to Paul and here we have shared so much pain. One day we will all share the ultimate joy of efforts!

I agree that although Paul experiences periods of intense pain on his path, he continues to seek out the truth for the reasons of letting it go eventually.

Keep the focus on what is good!

I have been thinking of all that you have said.

I send the ff to Paul:

May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be happy and may you be at peace.

(Not an original but borrowed from ancient mindfulness practice)

Dear abeth,

I just wanted to send you a big hug. I have missed you in the last period of time since you've been here less and less. I know what it's like to pull inward when life is heavy. Many of my friends have noticed a big change in me in recent times since my sister became a cancer patient. This last week, my daughter-in-law's mother died of cancer and she was only about 4 years older than me. The baby boomers are really just now beginning to age and possibly become ill. It definitely burst my bubble of feeling invincible all my young life. Please try to get your joy back. I remember so many times when you would write and I really connected with you. You made me smile. Now I want to see your smile again. I know you're dealing with things and that your hopefully not feeling alone. But I just wanted to send you a great big hug! Find something that will lighten your heart. I need to do this also. So just know that my heart reaches out to you and is sending strength to you.
XXOO

I can't help but feel really honored to be able to read everyone's post. I certainly have experienced and witnessed abuse within my family and friends growing up.

Now that I'm well into my own maturity, I see the pain that my own parents acted upon, the fears my ex acted on, and that within me that added to the mix.

And those certain things (fear and rejection especially) within me that did help to add to the mix are being worked on so it doesn't continue.

I'm glad that I learned to recognize the patterns from my folks and past--not that anything will be perfect. Accepting humanity is humbling, but that's when one can grow and forge ahead laying new ground now and for the future generations.

Thanking Paul and all of you for your insight and sharing on this tough issue.

I just want to be very clear - I have never suffered abuse or the sort of abuse I allude to here. Yes I have been called a fag and a poof and a gay boy etc, yes I have been beaten up a little by people - young men - whom are confronted by the fact that I dance and that I am prepard to be who I am in the face of football parents and cricket pitch beauty queens. I have had a rough trot in certain respects but I have dealt with those things.

This post stems from the fact that I know more people than I wish I did who have suffered various forms of abuse, I have observed their pain and seen how the journey, their journey is often swamped by unwanted memories at the most inopportune times. I have no doubt that this is the same for people who suffer trauma as opposed to abuse but then again it is all the same thing for abuse is traumatic - more than one can know.

The truth is memories seem to be cyclic - they come around again and again whether you want them to or invite them to. It would seem to me that it is not the fact that you have the memories but how you deal with them that is important.

To be in a position of power would be to say - Ha I am happy for you to visit for you have no place in my house so visit if you will and be gone it matters not to me.
To give away your power would be to say - please dont stay long, I dont like you and I dont function very well with you around.

easy for me to say ....

These memories are not by invitation they are moments of extreme darkeness that decend unwanted and last for a moment (which is more than long enough) or devastatingly longer.

Just when you think you may be past the suffering it comes back to haunt - this is the legacy that the perpatrators have no idea that they have left behind. This is the legacy that they dont want to acknowledge for to acknowledge the act of abuse is bad enough but to understand the on going pain and suffering is not something they can do because it puts the reality of the act and blame squarely at their feet. They are too weak to accept the fact that they have caused a life time of pain, they dont want to accept that, they only want to think that in a moment of weakness they did something not quite right.

They and their accomplices will always be weak. The ripples will ever lap at our shore but the choice of how much they eat away from our dreams remains with us - we have the power, we are in control.

Thanks Paul. I did not assume. This is such a general subject. Almost nobody leaves this life without some form a abuse. Maybe abuse is a harsh word that is mostly associated with sexual undertones, but in my mind I take it to mean anything that is cruel. This could be in a mild or severe form. When it first occurs, it is sensed as abuse by the psyche.

Thanks Paul. Your post was not specific whether if applied to you or you were relating to another person's experience. I was not sure then that what you said applied to you or to you indirectly. I cannot assume as MaryS said, but I did not want to discount what was said either. I am guilty of erring on the side of being too protective, sending you well wishes etc. I just get fired up if someone hints at being unjustly treated in whatever manner or for whatever reason. My instincts to protect show up and I revert to motherly protective behavior. In my line of work, persons often hint or just touch on those things, and I in my training try to listen. I am just overjoyed that none of that applies to you but still share in your concern for those who have suffered.

Your overly protective mom. ldlc

Paul, likewise I couldn't say for sure if you were speaking from personal experience or just your thoughts from noticing abuse outside your personal realm, like in the news.

Nonetheless, you hit on a topic that touches our world every minute, and you got us sharing and more importantly raising our consciousness by sharing with one another.

On another topice, hope Mercurio's Menu is going well. Keep us posted!

Sorry guys--that should be "topic" . . .

Time for bed--almost midnight here!!!

KELLY, MICHELE L, AND MARY S,

Thank you for the thoughts and kind words.

HUGS,
abeth

Waiting on news re Mercurio's Menu. Going back to what Paul said regarding doing what he wanted to do despite being called names, having fistfights to defend his beliefs, going for his dream when it was so unconventional to do so, I am curious to know if the PCs have encountered similar barriers and fought through (probably not in a fistfight like Paul).

It's funny, but in my everyday life, I have had to defend my ethics, morals, honesty, and character. That seems completely odd to me. Who has the right to question your intentions? I have had this happen to me within my own family. Mostly, ONLY within my family! Eveyone in my family is damaged from things that happened when our we were young. It created a basic competition for survival and a general distrust of each other in the immediate circle! You would think that we would have bonded together rather than become this way. It so reminds me of the basic fear behind what causes wars.
Of course, my family does deeply love each other, but there is always this other thing that is so sick. It hurts me so deeply. I hear so many people say that the most damaging relationships are those that are with the people closest to us. It's a fear of betrayal, a fear of losing someone you love, a fear of unrequited love...it's so deep and gutteral. Being human is just so complicated, but if we removed some of these fears and stopped causing the very damage that creates the fear, I feel we would have the real answers.