Paul's Corner

Doing the right thing even in small acts, even when no one is looking; you have shown integrity in what you do and your kids learn by what you live by. Don't have kids but try to be consistent at work or with family. Been told when times are hard should not stick to beliefs and give in but I disagree it is when it is hard that we need to do the right and honest thing. You taught your children well.

Hi Liz and Paul,

I like what you said Liz, so true. Paul definately
is teaching his girls well.
Well, we can always look at the bright side, because there are people like that in the world is why more jobs are created and kept to clean up after them.
I'm silly, I know, lol.

Hey Liz,

Do you happen to know if I can get paul's cookbook in the States?
I want to buy it for my boss who is a gourmet cook, I think she would love something different to cook that is healthy too.
If not, I can ask my missionary friend at YWAM based in Perth to pick me up a copy or two, she is coming home for the summer.

:) Thank you so much, Liz, I appreciate it.

Jan

Many mail order companies sell Mercurio's Menu The Book inc The Nile, Boomerang. The large chains Dymocks and Amazon carry it too. If you want a signed copy I don't know if Paul is still touring but contact Beaumaris Books see link prior post as they can get you a signed book. Better if you have a bunch of friends ordering to save on shipping costs. Anyone else among the PCs wanting to get the book? Sarah did a good organizing job the last time we got our books from a bookstore that Paul visited called Mary Ryan in Bulimba. You best chance of getting a signed copy now is through BeaumarisBooks Andrew was our contact. Check the US websites asxthe book may be in US stores now as it was not yet available last Xmas except inAus and NZ.

Thanks Liz,

I will also ask my friend in perth who is coming to visit in the summer in the States.

I appreciate your help.

Jan :-)

Can anyone tell me if "Alice" is appropriate for a six year old?

Paul and Liz, you are so right! I find it very sad when I arrive at the cinema walking on sticky floors (they can only clean so much between shows), then after the movie with popcorn and paper wrappers, cups and such everywhere. I really feel for the personnel that are left to clean up after everyone. What has happened to common courtesy?

I hope to see Alice in Wonderland as I also enjoy Johnny Depp and Tim Burton movies. Though, must admit, can't get into that wild "Mad Hatter" makeup! They've gone off the deep end with Johnny this time!

Hi everyone,

I totally agree. Every lesson in life, large and small, begins with what we learn and experience while we are young. It is a parent's role and duty in life to make sure they set the correct example and "teach your children well", as Crosby, Still Nash and Young once said in a song. Google it sometime. Great lyrics.

We have been on vigil waiting for my sister to pass for 6 days now. The waiting is horrible. I am barely functioning but am totally focused on sending her off. I speak to her in my thoughts and remind her of a time when we were kids and we gathered our empty coke bottles and set off on our journey down the street to the little corner store to buy goodies, and I tell her, "let's go". She was so strong, stubborn and healthy that it's taking some time for her body to let go but it is happening. Please send her spirit love and strength to take the journey. I read something the other day that fits how I feel:

To live is to take the journey, to die is to come home.

I think we should all be grateful, that we are free enough to enjoy a movie with our families. There are so many people starving in the world, that have to hunt all day for their food, that work all day long for less than a dollars wage, and with some all they hear all day long are bombs going off.
I think sometimes we are spoiled and forget how blessed we really are.
I for one, make a gratitude list every once in a while to make sure I stay humble and grateful for all I have.
This is just an addition to what paul and liz have said, not a rebuttal. :-)

I think we should all be grateful, that we are free enough to enjoy a movie with our families. There are so many people starving in the world, that have to hunt all day for their food, that work all day long for less than a dollars wage, and with some all they hear all day long are bombs going off.
I think sometimes we are spoiled and forget how blessed we really are.
I for one, make a gratitude list every once in a while to make sure I stay humble and grateful for all I have.
This is just an addition to what paul and liz have said, not a rebuttal. :-)

In addition to what Paul and liz have said, I think we should all be grateful, that we are free enough to enjoy a movie with our families. There are so many people starving in the world, that have to hunt all day for their food, that work all day long for less than a dollars wage, and with some all they hear all day long are bombs going off.
I think sometimes we are spoiled and forget how blessed we really are.
I for one, make a gratitude list every once in a while to make sure I stay humble and grateful for all I have.

In addition to what Paul and liz have said, I think we should all be grateful, that we are free enough to enjoy a movie with our families. There are so many people starving in the world, that have to hunt all day for their food, that work all day long for less than a dollars wage, and with some all they hear all day long are bombs going off.
I think sometimes we are spoiled and forget how blessed we really are.
I for one, make a gratitude list every once in a while to make sure I stay humble and grateful for all I have.

In addition to what Paul and liz have said, I think we should all be grateful, that we are free enough to enjoy a movie with our families. There are so many people starving in the world, that have to hunt all day for their food, that work all day long for less than a dollars wage, and with some all they hear all day long are bombs going off.
I think sometimes we are spoiled and forget how blessed we really are.
I for one, make a gratitude list every once in a while to make sure I stay humble and grateful for all I have.

In addition to what Paul and Liz has said, I think we should all be grateful, that we are free enough to enjoy a movie with our families. There are so many people starving in the world, that have to hunt all day for their food, that work all day long for less than a dollars wage, and with some all they hear all day long are bombs going off.
I think sometimes we are spoiled and forget how blessed we really are.
I for one, make a gratitude list every once in a while to make sure I stay humble and grateful for all I have.

Sorry guys, for some reason this site says it will not post to post it again and now it shows up 3 times. : /

Hi Mary,

I am so so sorry to hear about your sister.
I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love and are close to.
My mom died of cancer, and I could not let go. My brother told me to tell her it is okay for her to go. I think she was hanging on by a thread for me. So when I mustered enough strength to tell her, she passed the next day.
I pray in Jesus name that if your sister is to live she lives and lives healthy and if it is her time to go, that God be with you and her to go in perfect peace and love. +

God Bless you and your family.

Jan

Mary, that is a beautiful quote.

Long ago, my mother's Godmother (my great-aunt Stella) was in her final days from battling cancer. We went to visit and I asked her how she was doing. She told me that she keeps telling God she was ready to come home, but "I guess he's just not ready for me yet."

I wish all of you strength in love and spirit as you spend time with your sister, and also hope that your sister will have a good journey with all of you being there for her.

Hello Mary,
It must be hard to go through what's happening. I have sisters and a brother and we love each other yet we also have disagreements and fight with each other and know each other's flaws and buttons, but we still love them and turn to them when in need, despite all that's happened between us. Especially when we were little the fights and sibling rivalry--the persons you love are the ones you can hurt the most. Now that reminds me to call my sisters and bro. With family I am taken as is.

Mary, you and your family are in my thoughts. I understand what a difficult time this is for you.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a very nice day (no cake though - remember, I'm not allowed that kind of stuff).

I want to see "Alice" but I want to wait just a bit until the hubbub settles down. It may just be the previews, but to me it looks like an acid trip. LOL

Paul, I agree that it begins at home. My parents raised me to be respectful, and although my house may not be the neatest/cleanest, when I am in public or at a friend's house I clean up after myself.

Sarah, this is a landmark birthday year for you, with or without the cake!

Paul was "very down to earth" according to the producers from Canowindra

http://www.canowindranews.com.au/news/local/news/general/canowindra-on-a-plate-for-television-audience/1772062.aspx

Happy Birthday, Sarah! It's funny last december 28 was my birthday, and my friends took me out, and the restaurant didn't have any candles, but I had one in my wallet from my birthday lunch, lol.

I used it again. (multi purpose b-day candle)

Breaking News:

My friend from high school, just won Best Screenplay from the Movie Guide awards.
His screenplay is being shopped to producers now, on it's way to becoming a movie.

We had so many famous people from my high school, two soap stars and one New York model.
Beverly hills 90210 was filmed there too.

Horray for The Torrance Tartars...... ;-)
Torrance, California USA that is.

Jan

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Another day is closing with my sister still here. The hospice nurse said she is now comatose and that it will likely happen this week.
Liz, my relationships with my brothers and sisters sounds just like yours, triggers and all! But we do love each other even though we have to take it all in very small doses.
Jan, I am from the Torrance area too! I went to Carson high school back in the olden days! lol.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I firmly believe in the power of good thoughts and prayers and I know that they will help my sister in her final journey and what is to come.

Hey Southern Cal Gals Jan and Mary!

Mary each day spent in waiting must be hard for the ones being left behind.

Paul wresting with a monster crab that was pretending to sleep...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fCKZA4FoOU

Mary,

Really??? Are you living in Australia now???

What a small world.

Don't forget the hearing is the last to go, so keep talking to your sister and tell her how much you all love her and that you are there with her.

Lots of hugs coming your way, it's going to be okay.

Jan 0:-)

G'day Paul,

When you read these, There is a place out her in Los Angeles that will help you start a brewery.

http://www.southbaysbdc.org/Portals/6/SBDCJuly09.pdf

It is the South Bay Small Business Development Center.
Attatched is the link with a newsletter about a couple from Germany who started a bakery restaurant, through the SBDC, in Redondo Beach and it is very successful.

Anyway, just food for thought.

Jan

Hi Jan,

No, I am a few miles away from Australia. I live in Colorado. You mentioned South Bay and Torrance. I assumed that was California and not Australia. lol. I'm originally from California.

I am stopping by to tell you all that my sister's 3 year journey with cancer, and passing from this life, is completed. At least as far as from what we can know from here, where we are left to ponder. I'm am 100% sure the journey continues on another side. Or the "other" side. I am delirious and not in my right mind enough to speak sense of it right now. I am at peace one moment and insane with confusion the next. Thank you all for being with me the past 3 years as I spoke of this struggle from time to time. I cannot tell how strong my connection here has been.

Paul, it is because of you and Cat that I have been here. I connected to you so profoundly in a simple little Aussie Indie film so wonderfully directed by Baz Luhrmann. Call is fate, but believe it or not, I would have never found you and all of your wonderful insight if not for that film. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have connected with people from this site.

Grandma Millie and Ellie,
Thank you for your very special prayers said on behalf of my sister. I do believe that every lamb will be found and brought home.

Sarah,
Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts. I feel I have truly found a special person in just the connection we have made.

Evelyn,
You have been a dear. Thank you so much.

Liz,
So many heart felt words. I appreciate it.

Everyone here is a blessing to me and will remain so for years to come I hope!!

Please keep my sister and her husband and two children (ages 21 and 18) in your thoughts. They are doing well but this is the most painful and hard loss to accept.

My sister was a force of life. We are sure she will be watching over all of us now.

Hi guys,
live is a little bit frustrating when stupid people leave their trash lying around. You would think that putting it in a bin would be a bad thing.

I've sorted things out with my friend and were back on track with being good mates again. The only thing is there's a new issue that were dealing with and I hope that we can sort it out soon.

Keep us in your thoughts and I'll be chatting to you guys soon.

Keep smiling
Becky.

Mary, my condolences to you and the whole family. Will light a candle on Sunday in remembrance.

You're so right about this very special film called Strictly Ballroom that brought us together and also Paul's sharing with us, through Cat's hard work on this website. You know as you watch the film that Paul and his personhood shines through Scott and what he shares here with all of us is proof of that.

Becky, glad to hear you're back to being good friends again--wishing you can bridge the new issue as your friendship continues.

Looks like the weekend's upon us--wishing a grand one!

Thank you so much Melody. I would love for you to light a candle for my sister. I REALLY appreciate it!

Dear Mary,

Our condolences on Rebecca's passing...from the Bible her name was chosen; whenever her name is mentioned, Ellie and I will think, "we knew a Rebecca who will be forever remembered by those who knew her and loved her".

Shalom and love,

Mildred and Elliott Levine

Dear Mary

My condolences on your sister Rebecca's passing.

Liz

I'm so sorry for your loss, mary. I know what its like, I lost my mom and brother.
I'm happy you got to have her for a sister in the time you had.
I will keep you all in my prayers.
Again a small world, my sis in law, niece and nephew are in montrose colorado.

Which part are you from?

Many hugs out to you and two shoulders to cry on, and a laugh or two from me to you.

O:-)

Jan

Thank you Grandma, Ellie and Jan. Your words bring comfort.

Grandma, thank you for the beautiful email. You are such a dear.

Jan, I have done allot of crying for sure. I called their house tonight to check on my brother in law because today he seems very alone, as I am sure he feels this way. When the phone rang and there was no answer, the message came on in my sister's voice and I broke down and could barely leave a message. Now that I am over that, I reflect that it was good to hear her voice, it just breaks my heart that she is gone.

Boy do I know. Just be there for eachother. Alot of times when things like this happen, people tend to avoid eachother, when you need eachother the most.
I still cry to this day, when my brothers name comes up, so don't feel bad, it has been over 10 years for me.
She will always be alive in the hearts of the ones left behind. And that's a good thing.
Grieve, but don't stay there too long, you need to go and finish your course with as many happy memories as possible, with her in heaven cheering you on all the way.
I have tears in my eyes telling you this, because I know it's true, you must go on and be happy.
I am witnessing another friend who's dad, aunt, and another relative passed all at once and she resorted to alchohol, doesn't take care of herself and locks herself away with her cats.
Please pray for her, she deserves to live out the rest of her life in happiness and so do you.

More hugs out to you and prayers going out to you and your family.

May the Lord Jesus bless all of you and give you peace, joy, and comfort everlasting.

Much love to you all

Jan 0:-)

Mary - I am very sorry for your loss but I am also happy to know that your sisters was finally able to let go and find peace. It is unfortunate that the hard part starts now - dealing with the loss, the grief, the saddness - your siser may be at peace but the rest of the family is not. I will still be sending you and your family lots of hugs and loving thoughts, I know you will all get through this time but I know too it will be hard.

Thank you Paul and Jan. My heart aches from your words. So much truth. I see that my brother in law who was the strongest, most caring and positive soul during my sister's illness, and now that his wife of 25+ years is gone, the wind is out of his sails and he is barely speaking. I am so worried for him and yet I know exactly how he feels. When I lost my husband of only a few very short years together, I was empty for a very long time. I remember it took about a year for me to move on enough to even act like I was part of life again. But in reality, I never really did begin to live again. I pray that does not happen to him. I would not want to see anyone stop living because of a loss of a loved one. This is not what they want for us. Three years ago when my sister was diagnosed, I stopped living again. Why do I keep having reasons to stop? I somehow feel a new leaf has turned with my sister's passing. In time, I will find a new purpose. I can feel it. I just don't want to let that feeling go away and for depression and emptiness to set in again. I want to be there for her family, my brother in law and my niece and nephew. I have been able to hear from the kids, 1 and 18 years old, but Jim says he can't talk yet. Up to the day she passed he was talking alot about things. I just want him to be ok. It's going to take time. Also, men sometimes just don't do well without their wives.
I know I have a place to come. This corner is here for me.

Thank you all!

The kids are 21 and 18 years old. I typo'd age 1. Thank god there is not a 1 year old! But it crushes me that she will not see their graduations from high school and college, their marriages and grand children. This hurts the most since her kids were all she lived for! She loved her husband so much but her kids were everything!

Mary - you have a very good reason to live and to embrace life and that is for your sisters children and Husband. I am not saying you must take care of them - they in time must learn that, I am saying that living by example will be the greatest gift you can give them. Give them support and love and friendship and joy and live your life in that same way - walk beside them and I dont think you will find emptiness.

Thank you Paul. I know I have purpose and for the first time in the last few years, I actually feel like I can eventually be light hearted again. I will never forget my dear sister and I'll pray for her daily, but it was such a burden, and not that SHE was, but just seeing her ill and knowing how it was going to end, that it does feel like we can all begin to focus on happiness again. I feel guilty saying it but I know she would be thrilled to see us happy again.

I have definitely warned my niece and nephew that their doting aunt will be sticking very close to them!

Dear Mary,
I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult time that lies ahead of you and your family as you grieve and adjust to this life without your sister being there. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
I was out of town this past week and it's been a great and a really tough week both at the same time. I went to visit a friend from grad school who recently was diagnosed with cancer, has already undergone surgery for it and then got a serious infection post surgery, was back in the hospital, and then got the diagnosis that the cancer seems to have spread. He's strong, but this is so frustrating! I'm glad I went to visit him and his family, as we don't live close and it's been a few years that we last saw each other. Hoping for the best whatever that may be.

Big hug to you Mary!!! maybe you can help your brother-in-law b/c of your experiences when you lost your husband.

Thank you Evelyn! I am so very sorry to hear about your friend. Damn cancer is such a devil!! Hang in there.

I have and will continue to be there for my brother in law and the kids. I live in Colorado and they live in Oregon, but thanks to cellphone, text messages and skype we have been connected as much if not more than my older sister who lives about 20 minutes from them but doesn't have this technology. She has been there, don't get me wrong, but planning a visit to their house lately had to be arranged, etc. Skype always up and ready on my Mac and we used it alot!

Dear Mary,

You will be happy again. Think of it this way, if it had been you that died, would you want your sister to stop living?
I know you wouldn't, I can say this, because I lived it.
You will be so so happy again one day, and that is the greatest gift you can give your sister now.

There is a book about the stages of dying for the grieving by Elizabeth Kubler Ross", I think it will help you deal with the different stages you are going to go through.

Remember, Life is a gift, and we must use this gift to the best of our ability, it may be the only time we will have it.

God Bless, may you have a peaceful sleep tonight and feel nothing but comfort.

Jan 0:-)

Mary,

I have been thinking about what you said and what Paul, Jan and Evelyn said. So much love and kindness from them and you. I try to remember what I went through years ago when my mom died very young--there was anger from me for leaving this life, such an inconvenient time and to leave me when I was having so many problems and questions to ask her still, then came a period of emptiness, years, I was able to carry on and do ok in other spheres of my life, but the hollow part was there for years, slowly it filled but for me and my sisters and brother it was an ache that was there, but we lived on. It is the little things they say that you miss the most and jar your memory. I guess there are the stages that you go though as Jan said (Kubler-Ross) but from my experience it went without me knowing. I asked if I can live after my mom is gone, I thought no, but I was, so we all kept on. I also learned to do what I expected her to teach me--well she wanted me to be my own person in time. Also I asked her not to haunt me as a ghost--she has a great sense of humor and I felt when she "visited" it was always peaceful, never scary. Her wake was a joyful one with her friends as she would have hosted a party for herself. Thanks for letting me bring back this memory as I have not really thought about it for 17 years.

BREAKING NEWS: Mary, I want you to have this ice cream (virtual ice cream for Sunday)

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!

MERC'S OWN ICE CREAM

Guess what is the secret ingredient in this ice cream made just for Paul....see Mercurio's Menu in the link above

Thank you so much Jan and Liz and everyone. I do need to hear all of this. I thought I had all the answers until yesterday. I was informed, I had accepted, I had felt sadness and I felt I was going to be released in to a new life. But yesterday something crappy happened. I got angry. Not at her death. Just in general. I can't seem to shake it this morning. My tolerance is low also. I think it is a bit of a delayed reaction. There is no thought process going on behind it other than that I am just pissy, if you know what I mean. I have a feeling that it's just going to take time.

I sure do appreciate the darling people here who take the time to work with me and how we have each other's back's is just so amazing.

I will continue to reflect and wait for answers.

Love it Mary when you tell it like it is; I have always admired you for being frank and honest and I see that in Paul and you.

Dear Mary, I do understand the emotions you are going through after your loss. I believe that "we" are at peace after we leave this life, and that our loved-ones are always with us. Your sister will see her children graduate and her grandchildren - just not in the way that is desired. You and your family have been so strong during these years, and I know you will find the strength to keep going. Please know you can always turn to me if you need to. (((HUG)))

Becky, I'm glad you and your friend have sorted things.

I've been a bit mentally out of it this past week. I returned home Monday from my trip, joined a gym on Thursday, made plans for two more trips over the next two weeks... I honestly feel like my brain is a sieve right now. LOL Perhaps I'll return to my right mind sometime in April...

Liz, I said the same about my mom, I did not want to see anybody come back from the dead for a visit. I would never sleep again, lol.

Mary and Liz, it is interesting that you guys were talking about going on and what to do and feeling angry, because of the message that was preached tonight in church. I also had been frustrated about life and where I thought I should be and what I did not have, and People that should be in my life, hence loved ones who passed. And a guest Pastor was there preaching.
He said when people go through tough times the last thing they want to hear from someone is "It could be worse." He went on to say that we should all count the things in our lives that we do have and are grateful for. As I was counting my blessings, I found out I really am okay where I am at in life and I really do have all I need and some of the things I want too.
So there are some people I wish were still here or maybe even having a loving husband to come home to and children.
I just have to trust that Gods grace is sufficient, be patient and wait for what he has in store foro me, regarding the desires of my heart.
This is not to take away from anyones grieving process, but food for thought.
Keep that in your memory bank for a little bit later.

And you are welcome mary, I am so glad I found all of you, you are very nice people and do seem to be there for eachother.
So now I am going to check out pauls homemade icecream.
Lol I read the homemade salami page, that was cool, I have never seen that done before.

God Bless and have a peaceful nights sleep in Jesus name...Amen +

Jan 0:-)

Hello pc's!
Maria: My condolences for the loss of your sister!

Only a few days to the anniversary of Paul! What surprise?

Health for all.

Dear Mary, these emotions are entirely normal! I had that too after my Dad died, there are up days, there are down days, there are excruciatingly painful days, there are happy days, there were days when I felt guilty for feeling OK and happy, there are angry days, there are blah days etc. It's all normal. There will be phases when you are on an emotional roller coaster, there will be calmer phases. It is a major adjustment. If you can, go with the flow of your emotions and take things easy if you can. Something was ripped out of you when your sister passed and that takes getting used to, it's a major adjustment, it takes time to heal. and if you are still pissed, that's totally ok and you can express that to God, the universal power, whatever you believe in, it/she/he can handle it and be there with you, no matter how lonely you feel.

HUGS!

Whew! Evelyn! That really resonated with me. It's so true. I have been all over the place and tomorrow will already be one week since she passed. I still can't even believe that she is gone, so I guess I should not expect for any of my emotions to be settled yet. Today was pretty good. I find that I am trying to self medicate with the excuse that I am inspired to begin living again, when in affect, all I am doing is shopping! But that may be my guilt talking too. I can't seem to stop! But I have been inspired to do things that I felt too guilty to do in the past. So much of my life was put aside because I wanted to concentrate on my sister's condition. I absolutely could not get myself to really enjoy life, knowing that she was losing hers. I could not. No matter what anyone told me about how this was only hurting me and her. I tried to stay positive but I was so sad. Now I feel like my sister is kicking me in the butt. To walk, to exercise, to feel joy, to be free. I just feel guilt at the same time. So you hit the nail on the head. I know there are so many lessons to learn and I have done so much serious introspection over the last 3 years in preparation and acceptance. But now that the time actually came, I just want to hear her voice and see her and touch her. I can't stand, and I mean, I cannot stand the thought of never doing that again. That's when I get very mad. And then sad again. I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I will always hear her voice and see her face and I will be getting guidance, I'm sure, but it just SUCKS that she is gone! See? I'm ALL OVER THE PLACE. :( I do feel uplifted at times, it just doesn't stick for very long.

Sarah, that hug would be good about now. I do feel all of your hugs though. Even Paul's! Please keep the good vibes coming. I have a feeling this is going to be a learning experience.

Keep me in your prayers. I'm normally very centered and positive. But then again, I've never come face to face with cancer. I hope I never do again. It's the enemy.

Evelyn and Mary,

You know, it is interesting, guilt is not something I felt when my brother and mother passed.
I don't know if that is normal, or I just never felt that.
Maybe because I feel when our course is finished we exit at our appointed time.
Hence, a woman I read about who cancelled her plane ticket at the last minute and the plane crashed, and one week later she died in a car accident. You see I believe if it is not our time to go we won't, and if it is our time, no one can stop it.
Food for thought.

Hugs to you mary, My prayers are with you.

:-)
Don't worry about the shopping thing, see happiness is a weird thing, I don't know if anyone can really figure it out, is it important to be happy where nothing is ever enough, or is it better to be content?
I have had moments of great elation which I labeled happiness, and I have felt love, which I also called happiness, I have won trophies and said to myself I am happy about it.
Hard to say, My Pastor says, "Think yourself happy," encourage yourself.
I just think for now, we all do the best we can minute by minute and collect moments along the way, and when we remember them make us smile deeply.
0:-)

Until next time, God Bless

Jan

Mary, I lost my gran (mom's mom) to lung cancer and I felt guilt, but not necessarily for the reasons you do. I had lived with her for 3 years while she battled the disease but then an opportunity arose for me to study in New York and I took it. I was in my second semester when she passed. I still haven't fully forgiven myself for not being there - and it's been 11 years.

I know we all believe different things, but I do truly believe that our loved ones remain with us. My father has come to me in my dreams many times, and in that respect I've heard his voice and know he is still with me. It brings me peace.

So now I think I've reached the virtual (((HUG))) portion of my post. ;)

I should really be in bed but I ate something that isn't sitting right so I don't really want to lie down. I have a ton of things to do tomorrow - including pack, and I just don't know how I'm going to find the time to do it all. *sigh*

Thank you again Jan and Sarah. My guilt creeps up when I think about being free from the sadness of the last three years or for moving on. I want to start life fresh, which I know she would want me to do and one moment I feel wonderful about that and the next I feel guilty. A friend of mine once told me that I have Catholic guilt syndrome and that if there is ever anything to (not) feel guilty about, I will find it. I even add to that by saying that I am Italian and they seem to have that trait also. lol. I know that both of those are excuses. I'm just a person who feels guilty when I do things that are for ME. Everyone says to take care of myself but that seems to self centered. I know in reality it's not and that if you don't take care of yourself nothing else will be taken care of. I just need to really understand that and stop with the doom and gloom.

No more stinkin thinkin!

Mary/Sarah/Evelyn--adding to the comments about feeling guilty and loss--

Interesting that I was looking at old dance video from around the time my mother passed away Monday night. My mother passed away literally one week after her 80th birthday. I always felt she must have made a pact with God that He let her have her 80th and then she'd come home.

During that final week, I was in a dance workshop and would drop by to see my mother right before class. (She had a stroke about a month before her birthday and recovery was very nil.) On the last day of the workshop, I didn't go to visit, and the following day I had to perform. I came home after the performance and as soon as I was retiring for the night I received the call that she was rushed to the hospital. Little did I know that this was to be her last moments.

Right before the call, I was looking at a small photo I keep on my dresser of my parents' wedding portrait--the most unusual thing happened--it's as though they pulled closer together (my father passed away 17 years before). I thought my eyes were really tired . . . but the call came in and I had to rush to the hospital.

I truly felt the guilt over dancing that week, not being more with her, and especially choosing not to go that time before the workshop like I had done the other days. We just don't know!!

On top of that, I had arranged to work with a choreographer on another project the following week--he was in from New York, so I had to pull together two days after the funeral and get that done.

I cursed dance like you wouldn't believe--and later realized I fulfilled a dream that my mother had wanted for herself.

When I was packing up my mother's condo, I found a picture of the two of us taken after a performance which she kept under the protective padding on the dining room table with other mementos, and she wrote on the back "Melody and her mom"--I cried my heart out.

Yes, Mary--definitely--no more stinkin' thinkin'--your sister is always with you in your heart and in every thought of her. Be glad within as she smiles in your memories. :)

Oh Melody, thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. I truly believe what you saw in the picture was definitely a sign. There have been so many little nuances that I have picked up on since my sister left us. Today is one week to the day and I cannot believe it. The signs though, have all been feelings stirring within me of motivation and "future" thinking, although this is exactly what I am struggling with, rather than sad feelings of anything left undone, because I was very very close with my sister and it remained that way to the end. I think these wonderful thoughts looking ahead are actually thoughts that my sister may be trying to impose upon me. To enjoy life, to achieve goals, to take care of myself and not to be sad. These exact things are what my "stinkin thinkin" mind tells me would be wrong for me to do since my sister was "robbed" of her future and wanted one more than anyone I ever knew! This is a huge problem for me even though I know it's wrong for me to feel this way. I have to find the answer to this and I know I will eventually. This type of thing is where I seem to dwell in life. The glass half empty mentality. I'm going to continue to work on this because I know it will help me to grow in leaps and bounds.

As I always say, everything is a work in progress.

You know Mary, I guess we all feel robbed of things we wish we had and just don't. I lost my whole family and God has not sent me a new one which I have always wanted. I always wonder why and it makes me sad, but that's just the way he wants it for now I guess.

:-)

Have a peaceful night

Jan

Hi Jan. I am not necessarily the one who feels robbed. I feel that SHE was robbed. Of course, her family will be missing having her around also, but I was specifically thinking about all of the missed opportunities that she will not be able to experience. Some people don't want to live and others who do, don't get the chance. It just gets me crazy sometimes. Oh well, I'm not going to figure it out in this life time.

I have a family that I love more than life itself and it's not reciprocated like I wish it would be and feel is should be. I am basically alone in life. My sister at least is free from all of this nonsense. It seems this life is really meant to be experienced as an individual more than as a group experience. I give up on trying to understand it anymore.

Mary, I know how you feel. Kindred spirits here.
My cousin and I found eachother on Acenstry.com
and we are laughing about it now.

I wish I had an answer for you, Paul, where are you, do you have an answer.
You have a nice big family and we need advice???

Jan

Hang in there Mary, the teacher will come when the student is ready.

Here's another quandary for all of you. I'm going to really sound like I'm losing it now.

What do you do when you are what I call an "over giver"? I'm the middle of 5 kids and seem to have taken on the pleaser and peacemaker role all my life. I think my intentions are pure, but if they really were, I don't think I would feel so hurt when the giving and caring is not reciprocated. Aren't you supposed to give with the intention of never getting anything in return?

During my sister's illness I chose to take on the role, once again, of being the communicator to my family about her state of being. This of course, was because it seemed like other people in my immediate family were not staying as close to her as I was and as I thought they should have been. My immediate family feels I am too much in contact with everyone. They felt it was fine to speak to her less often. Paul's site, I guess, could be an example of how I like to, and maybe need to connect to people in this life. Others don't seem to have this burning desire. Maybe it's because I am alone? I really don't know. It doesn't feel like a bad thing to me, but maybe it is? Maybe I need selfish interests that only involve me and no other people? Sounds fine to me. I'll get right on that. lol. I work and am gone from the house about 10 hours a day. When I come home this is how I relax. Connecting to people who I find interesting and enjoy communicating with.

So anyway, right before my sister passed away, and in the last few months, I was sort of giving the heads up to my family that they should be as close to her and her family as possible because time was running out. Well slowly but surely, my brother and other sister seemed to become sort of weird to me. I wasn't really paying attention until pretty much her last week of life, when I got some bad vibes and began to stop talking to my brother and sister. I'm the one that does all the calling anyway, so I figured if they wanted to talk to me they would call. They did not. I remained there for my mother and called her regularly but I did tell her that I wasn't talking to my other siblings because they were being "mean" to me. Nobody in my family seemed concerned about my suffering over losing my sister and my sister and brother haven't even called me, although I was 100% there for them. They just are not caring about me, it seems.

So now that my sister is gone I seem to be estranged from my family! What is up with this??

I give up! When I told my mother about this, she didn't seemed concerned and went on to tell me that my brother came to see her and he was wonderful to her. She continues to talk about herself like she is totally unaware of my pain over this and so I kept mentioning it to her until I ended up getting irritated with her too! OMG. This is such a freaking mess. I'm just going to stick to myself for a while, but I tell you this does not come natural to me and it's going to hurt me. I don't think I have any other choice. I'm getting resentful and I refuse to let this poison me. So off I will go and try to fill my time with people who care. Oh wait, I don't know anyone like that, other than some very nice people I seem to always come back to visit on Paul's Corner. Hmmm. Any thoughts?

P.S. I am not 12 years old. I'm OLD. Why would these stupid family dynamics still be haunting me. This is how it's been in my family since I was born!

because that's what harmonizers and givers do! they never give up hope! It's both a blessing, but can also be really tough as you are experiencing right now.

My Mum is a total harmonizer as well, and maybe this perspective will help you. I know that she means well when she is doing her harmonizing, but when I'm not ready to 'make peace' when I still need to vent and be angry, and she pushed me into that fake peace, I resist and I pull away. It felt that she was not respecting me, nor where I was at at that moment. I had to become someone else for her to feel harmonious and ultimately avoid the real issues. I experienced this as overstepping boundaries and that I resisted b/c I didn't want to loose myself and my integrity. I wanted and needed to be true to myself and felt that I wasn't allowed to.

Not everyone has that same level or need for harmony or sharing and that's often difficult to accept. I struggle with that on both ends of the spectrum myself and it's particularly difficult and challenging when it involved family members, b/c of that social expectation that because we are family, we have to like each other, we have to get along (at all times!). We don't and can't because we are all humans. When it does happen, it's awesome, but it is not the norm. So if you can free yourself of that expectation. it may take the pressure off of all involved.

But let me also say this: where you are and how you feel are absolutely valid. this is who you are and there's nothing wrong with that. But not everyone will appreciate that level of caring that you do do, a wonderful quality to have. Thus I understand your disappointment and struggles with your family's reaction. Take care of you and make sure that you are having your needs met, even if it's not happening through your family!

Such great insight Evelyn. I have to say that my mom's idea of being the peacemaker and remaining neutral is precisely what's frustrating me. She won't acknowledge how much it hurts to be ostracized for being who I am. Her idea of keeping peace by "ignoring" or staying out of it, is the opposite of how I deal with things. I told her that if my daughter and son were not speaking it would kill me and I would not be able to be happy until it was fixed. I realize this is not a healthy attitude. You have to let people work out their own issues. I would try to stay out of it also. The difference is that it would bother me and she doesn't seem upset to me. She'd rather remain friends with everyone. She says by talking about other things including how well she's getting along with the people who have hurt me, and not focusing on my sadness, she feels she is doing me a service. She said she's trying to show me that life goes on. I get it. I really do. It's just that I don't feel cared about by any of the people doing these things to me. All I would like to see is that someone actually cares that I am unhappy. I guess that is very childish as I said above. It's just something I never grew out of because as a child, when I would "pout" nobody would ever validate my feelings of whatever injustice I felt had been done to me. They would ignore me, make fun of me, and say I just needed to get over myself. Maybe they were and are right, but by doing that I feel I am stuffing my feelings. There has to be a middle ground and I am looking for it. I really think it is to accept people as they are. We all have flaws. I just feel deep pain and unfairness and that's a hard one to step over and just accept what is being done and stay friends. I never learned or was taught how to do that as a child and it carried with me throughout my life. I can tell you that I won't be calling anyone who is not speaking to me. Why would I do that? It would have to be them that would call me and if they never do, I'll have to say C'est la vie and as you know, I'm not there yet. I've never been good at letting go. That is where the source of the pain comes from. I know it. Being forced to let go of my sister less than two weeks ago and now feeling like my family is slipping away from me is not a good feeling. I'm actually doing pretty good but it's only because I vent so much.

Thank god you guys having kicked me off the corner!

Thank you for such sage words of wisdom Evelyn. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time. It helped allot!