Paul's Corner

If something happens by chance but you can see that the chance was of a serendipitous nature does that still make it chance or does it make it something else? When chance is not chance but in fact meant to be..... my head is beginning to hurt.

I was walking around Vancouver as you do when you dont have any children to chase around the house. As I walk when I happen upon a pawn shop (please note that is the correct spelling) I go in and wander around looking to see if they might have some cheap battery operated speakers I could use with my cd player. Anyway I happened to wander in to this pawn shop the other day and there was this guy at the counter - a customer - and he was looking through a pile of DVD movies. As I walked in I heard him ask the shop keeper how much a particular dvd was and the shop keeper said ten bucks. As I walked in to the store I scanned the shelves for some cheap speakers to use with my cd player but couldnt immediately see any so I walked deeper into the store. Just out of curiosity as I walked past the customer who had just handed the shop keeper 20 bucks and was waiting for some change. I glanced down to see what dvd movie he had just purchased. Can you see what is coming??? No that is not the title of the movie! As I glanced down to the counter, where the dvd lay waiting to be put into a bag, I saw looking back up at me from the front cover of the dvd - me! Yep I had wandered into a sale of Strictly Ballroom!! Complete chance!! I had wandered that way by chance, wandered into the store by chance, not even the powers that BE new I was going to go that way back to the hotel or that I would stumble upon a pawn shop at the exact same time as some guy decided to buy the dvd of Strictly Ballroom. Or did they? Did they make me go that way against my free will? Or did my free will guide me....now my head is hurting more.

Several days later I went to a U-Brew shop - a place where you can go and make your own home brewed beer but in a store. If you are into making home made beer but dont have the room for all the equipment then the U-Brew stores are great!!! Any way I wandered again ( a recuring theme for me) into a U-Brew store and was assisted by a gentleman who started to tell me about the store when he stopped mid sentance and said "I know you!. Your Paul Mercurio from Exit to Eden and Strictly Ballroom, I was watching them the other day!"

I ask you what are the chances????

What does it all mean? Chance, Prophetic, Serendipity?

Oh wheres my dictionary???? oh yes at home in Melbourne - sorry

To answer this I must split the question in two. What is my worth to you and what is my own sense of worth. I must determine in this dialogue not so much my worthlessness - for that matter is already decided - David Bowie sings ash to ashes dust to dust - it reminds me as I bid the life of my brother goodbye and watched his ashes, his body, his mind, his life be blown by the wind across an ocean calmer then I, I conclude we are all worthless.

To be of worth is a value rating. Did I value my brother, fiercely. Do I value my family - above all else. Did you know the ashes of worth you can see borne upon a wind and a loss that you cannot.

So I question what worth my own ashes - none, save that they make a sea breeze visable.

What worth did 'he' have as he hung from the tree limb, his life slowly careesed away from him by a balmy spring evening wind. You know that same wind carried the scent of espresso and pizza, of kids licking fresh made gelato, of a couple fighting in the house next to the park where he hung. What worth his life? What worth his death?

Yes we all have these stories, we all have many more stories. What worth do we place on life? Not much it seems and perhaps too much.

Okay to the question - am I worthless?

I implore you to see my worth, and that is the problem. It's been trained in me like a good performing dog. I take responsibility for that for us humans are such gullible and insecure beings always looking to belong -to find peace, balance and those that will support and prop up our often shakey belief in our own selves.

My worth seems to be dependant on what it is worth to you. Not so you or others value me (although that is always very nice) but what my worth is dependant on is what of value may I inspire you to find within yourself.

What of value may I find within me to inspre me.

Why couldnt Michael or Russel or Peter or Scott's Dad (the list goes on a number of lifetimes) why could they not find value in their own painful journeys - journeys that brought value to those that their lives touched.

I digress. However please know - LIFE IS WORTH THE RISK.

Am I worthless?

No

I am worthy.

I am worthy of the gifts life has brought to me. I am worthy of the rewards and the fines - the good the bad - the joy and the pain. I am prepared to accept it all because from it I grow.

Am I worthless? - No, not to me. Why? Because I bring joy to my journey. I bring love to my relationships, I bring smiles to the day - every day, and to those I touch along the way.

Am I worthless to you? I was going to write an extensive essay on this point of view, but you know what.... who cares!

If you see me as worthless or worthy matters not to me for what is important is that you see and acknowledge your own worth. For one day you will be ashes on an invisible breeze.

And I hope, always a smile in someones heart.

Judge not me
for I do that well enough.
Judge yourself kindly
for I have no heart in it
let he or she who cast the first stone
also feel the impact of it's landing
it is but a step in a journey
that is worthy of all who choose to make it

does one live
for ones past
or ones future?

did you today
spend your time
in yesterday
or tomorrow

there is no right or wrong answer
only a question of balance

want versus need
clarity versus chaos
joy versus fear
the right of tomorrow versus the wrong of yesterday
(and vica versa)

balance
the unconditional acceptance
of what is -
today.

to accept ones future
is to accept
the opportunity's one is offered

to deny that future
is to deny todays offerings
for tomorrow

perhaps that tomorrow
seems to be distant
but only what one embraces today
becomes of today

to embrace possibilities of
tomorrow
today
ensure to you
today
a successful past
a future full of promise
and "todays"
full of life creative

To Belong
is this defining?
to whom we belong
to what we belong

if we feel we do not belong
do we feel less than we are
are we abandoned
belongless?

if you take the idea of belong
and lengthen it
we get belonging
just look at it
be - longing
to be longing, for what?
for something

to be-long is a want word
to want is to not have
there fore
you can never truly
be-long anywhere
(other than the wanting to)
to do so negates the wanting

to say I belong here is a powerful statement
often it is misconstrued
I belong here means I feel safe here
and I am going to stay safe
and hide from what I am and what I could be

sometimes belonging is entrapment
you trap yourself by the needs of others to belong to you
and them to what they
represent to you

I shall re-present to those (I have) to be a part of

I do not feel I belong anywhere
with the exception at home with my wife and children
it is not so much that that is where I belong
but that is who I am

There by a state of searching of or where
one belongs
is acompanied by a state of not knowing what defines ones self
and defining ones self does not lead to a state of belonging
but a state of being