Paul's Corner

Finished. The death knell has sounded and the crowd has gone home. The spectacle has ceased and now only the carnage survives the memeories that were. Somewhere I know the vibrations of our music linger, the story continues to unfold as ripples on a lake but I and we are no more. The community that was family for the last 6 months has seperated, forcibly and unwillingly but still smiling with the memories of the music we sang together, of the story we told and of the knowlege that in love and unity we will never truly cease to be - but the truth is we are done.

Long live our memory for it shall be and has been tattooed into the fabric of my soul.

Thank you to those that made it so.

Backs been out all week, wasnt sure if I would be able to do the show on Tuesday! Lots of pain killers some osteo and acupuncture and I got through. Still out but I can get through the show. Been having meetings - looking toward the future but must admit to find it hard to see through the mist. I feel like I am coming down with something - sore throat bad back - just the usual pummelings of life I guess. Woke up feeling low - went to bed feeling low. Thats the problem when you look the future you either cant see through the mist or you see how far away it actually is and how hard a journey to get there and that is it, game over - dont get out of bed its safer that way.

Being positive is like standing on a railway track watching a train come hurtling down upon you and all the while saying "ah this isnt going to hurt". Well thats how it feels today. Four more shows left - three more days of employment and then..... wish I knew. I am going to really miss the guys

It's overcast today which matches my mood well.

I am off to get a treatment now, maybe after I have had that things will be better!?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I've decided to trust the universe. So let me put it this way:

I trust the universe
I embrace that which flows from it to me
I embrace the challenges it offers
I accept the gifts it brings
I honour the truth it bestows
and pledge to learn the lessons well
I am grateful for the journey
the highs and the lows
the hardships and the triumphs
the universe within mirrors that without
in harmony and balance I walk
upon the path the universe provides
in trust I journey
the universe and I
as one

It's sink or swim time - AGAIN. Very glad to hear you are swimming Timbo!! I never expected the universe to throw this curve ball at this moment but hey knowing how the universe doesnt work I should have expected it. I keep thinking about that saying - God (in this case universe) gives you what you need not what you want! News flash I kinda feel like I need some security!! But perhaps the universe is saying go get it then and by the way it is not in musicals!! Doh! Learning learning learning or trying to at least.

Sink or swim. Trust that the universe throws these things at you like when your mum or dad lets the back of your bicycle go knowing that you may fall and graze a knee but that is part of the growing experience. I am going to swim god dammit! Dont know what I am going to do (apart from swim swim swim)

I am going to stay positive and I must admit to being excited about the journey ahead and the unknown adventure (I must be bloody crazy!!!)

I trust that the universe is going to keep throwing things at me and I trust that I can deal with all of them. I am letting go of the "how" bit, I will leave that to be answered over a couple of home brews accompanied by a bowl of hindsight.

See ya in the pool of life!

The great news is that the show is a hit and all of the reviews backed that up. Our producer told me that in his 15 years of producing experience he has never had universally acclaimed reviews from all of the major (and smaller) papers/reviewers!! It really is great to get up on stage every night and play to the audience and to hear tham laughing and really getting into the play and also the charachters. Gives you goose bumps!

The bad news is that for some unknown, unfathomable reason we have not been getting the audience numbers that the show deserves or needs! It is a hit, the audience that see it love it but we are not getting the bums on seats. Currently we are averaging about 500 or so people per night when we really need about 1200 or so to keep afloat. Maybe people think that they have seen the movie so they dont feel compelled to go the the show or maybe it is not full of Abba music etc so they dont really know what they are going to get??? We can speculate but we will never know.

The really bad news is that due to this we are closing the Melbourne season one week early. When the total tickets sales for the last week of the show in Melbourne was a grand total of 3 they decided to pull the plug on that week! Sadly the tickets sales for Sydney were earily similar to Melbourne and so the producers have taken the devestating (to us the cast) to cancel the 6 month Sydney season and then also the 6 month tour around Australia.

So where I thought that I had a good job on a good show until September this year and then on into Feb 2005 if I wanted to do the tour I now am in fact faced with three weeks employment left. After that I am saddned and frightened to say I may be back diggin ditches till the next latest and greatest gig comes along. Ah the injustice of this ridiculous industry and the apathy of Australian audiences to it's own talent!!!

There is a real cost to this event. The wonderful people I am working with are going to have to pay in real and hurtful ways. Some will possibly lose their business that this job was helping to prop up, some will be selling their own vehicles to get by in the months ahead, others have been left homeless as they gave up rented apartments in readiness for the 12 month of touring we were to commence in threee weeks... etc It is ironic that this play is about the cost people pay for when they lose their jobs and are unemployed for a period of time. We all felt strange doing the play last night playing the parts singing the songs about wanting jobs and feeling less because we were not worthy enough to be employed and all the while knowing art was imitating life or perhaps the other way around!

You have to take heart as the play has a happy ending and I geuss I have a strip routine that if need be I could take out on the road :)

If that was my big break it was fun while it lasted!

I'm tired, I'm sore, I am having a good time though. I am getting in to the rythym of the working block. The audience are loving it, although due to Xmas and the New Year holidays and kids going back to school the audience numbers arent what we had hoped for. February should go great guns!!

Now that my kids are back at school I see them briefly in the morning and maybe briefly in the arvo before I head off to work. Working sure gets in the way of fatherhood!!! That of course starts to get me thinking about going to Sydney (in five weeks) and being up there for six months. People say to me "well thats the business your in" and that is true, that is also why I am looking at other business ventures - Paul's Place for example - so I can be around with and for my children. Always seems to be some sort of compromise involved in living your life doesnt there? But then again that is the beauty of choice. We are always free to make the choices we make and free to unmake them if needs be.

I am so proud of my kids. They are back at school - Emily started highschool this year - they just get up and embrace the day and the year and the future in a wonderful and kind of uncomplicated way. I see in me the older I get I become less flexible in ways, less freely embracing of things, perhaps more fearful of what comes next. Once burnt twice burnt and with trepidation you slowly move forward - sadly you see people who dont move but just stay stuck. I wonder if they know they make a choice to do that?

I was going to talk about trust - so I said in my last post. Doing the show I have found a new requirement or perhaps more to the point strengthed an old sparing partner - trust in myself. I have really had to find that belief and that trust in my own being that when I open my mouth the right note will come out or the right word or the right intention. Obviously the singing aspect has challenged me in a big way so that I had to find that place in me where I trusted in my ability to do it without thinking or fearing - just do it, just trust it. Trust, believing in yourself and trusting that belief. It feels a bit like standing on thin air (which I am sure is the same as standing on thick air) dont ask the how of it just accept that you do it. I occasionally fumble a word or flaten a note but that is part of being a live performer, part of the thrill of being out there, part of communicating to an audience the strength of your character but it's vulnerability too - it's part of being real. It's the best bit about being out there!!

Step out on stage and knowing that it's all there and trusting to the serendipity that being alive on stage brings.

I'm tired, I'm going to start rambling if I keep going! And hey it is only midday!! Time for a bit of lunch and then a nap then off to the gym - got to keep the Full Monty body in sexy shape - and then tadaghrrrrr - the show!