Paul's Corner

I am now half way through this journey of mine, half way along the road I call my life. Looking back it seems too short and looking ahead it seems way too long. Too short because it happened too fast. Too long because I wonder what I am going to do with such a long and open expanse ahead of me.

Now I am half way there, half way through, I am a little concerned, scared even. When I look back I know what I did. Looking forward I have a few ideas but nothing nearly as complete as a memory. Only these fluffy dreams which, like fairy floss, melt in your mouth leaving no trace of physical existence but a lingering sweetness of might have beens - an imagining.

When I look back I see a lot! Goals met, challenges succeeded, dreams made real, surprises brightened by hard work and smiles. I see loves fought for and lost, fought for and won, a lasting legacy of happy children, a loving and supportive relationship with a soul mate. I see achievement, I see stuff of consequence, I see meaning in and through my existence.

When I look ahead I see a blank canvass already slightly coloured with anxiety. My dream like oil paints are scattered around the palette waiting for me to pick up the brush and begin the creation, begin to paint the me of tomorrow and the life that goes with it.

I would be honest with you and tell you I am a little scared it may not be as good as the past. I would be honest with you and tell you I feel the pressure to live up to that part of me that is past, which is here now, writing this and also looking ahead at the canvass waiting to be struck with the sunset of my life.

It is a quick road that we walk away from our birth and a slow road we walk toward our death.

I am wondering about the next forty years of my life. Has the best already happened or will I, can I, do better? Or is it time to take stock on who I am and step back from the past and go forward anew. And what part of me must I need let go of - if any - to do so. To go forward unencumbered by the past or even the future for that matter.

That, tonight, is the question.

Perhaps I just need to embrace the unknowability of how the painting will look when it's finished and just start painting.