Paul's Corner

I’ve been doing a lot of flying lately which I quite like. One thing I never get sick of is taking off - especially safely! As I am flying during winter between Melbourne and Wellington at the moment, it is quite often over cast, foggy, drizzling, grey, drab, wet and cold. In the comfort of the Qantas lounge I sip on a beer, or a champagne depending on my mood and eye the conditions out the window wondering if the fog will lift - graciously allowing us to take off or will I be stuck in the airport for a few hours - and drinks - more? Then later, as we hurtle toward the end of the run way (secretly hoping the plane will lift off before we get to the end) we are buffeted from side to side by the wind, the windows are foggy, the rain pelts against them in a seemingly urgent rage to get in. I can feel the front wheel of the plane lift off - exhilaration or relief seeps within - and we are off surging forward and ever higher into the domain of the gods. I love that moment when you are completely enveloped by the clouds, losing yourself and in some ways time. There seems to be a moment when every thing stops and the world as you know it no longer exists. I guess it is a purgatory of sorts, you cant see anything but the fog immediately before you, your hearing is deadened, you hang in a space more alien than foreign, not moving, just being. Then with a bump and a shudder as the plane skitters through the clouds you break out into a truly glorious new world. There above the clouds with the dull, drizzling, grey day left way below and out of sight is a bright, clear and sun drenched field of fluffy white clouds just asking to be bounced upon. If I could I would run naked upon them, bouncing and enveloping myself in their softness, leaping with joy from one to another and all the while basking in the glorious warmth of what seems to be the most innocent and purest sun light I have ever seen. As we climb ever higher the clouds become a blanket of white, another landscape left below, another world I have experienced, been moved by, a world that informs me, is a part of me and I am reminded of the many layers of life.

On days when I am ground bound, not leaping naked amongst the clouds and the day is grey, drab, cold and lonely I am reminded of what the day really holds. I know what is above and below. Above the squalls of grey rain and drab unlit day resides a perfection that could not exist if not for its counter part. No matter how grey or hard or bad the day seems the perfect day exists, if not below then above, a harmony of knowing that all is not grey but in fact all is full of light.

Yep I love flying.

You know... the thing is...
I still miss you
I still see your face
your smile your curly hair
I still hear you arriving
at my house on your motorcycle
and remember well
how the whole family jumped up excitedly
and ran out to greet you with hugs
and smiles and declarations of love
And today... almost six year since...
I stand at a bar in a pub having a beer
and think...
who could I ring to say hi
who would I like to catch up with
and your face flashed
in my minds eye
and the empty space in my heart
throbbed
all the pain and hurt still raw
but also frustration
for it is just not possible

good bye my brother
good day my pain
you are gone
yet I remain

and that
is the legacy
of suicide

1. A mistake is a bad decision

2. A big mistake is a bad decision for the right reason

3. A really big mistake is a bad decision for the wrong reason

4. A really big fucking mistake is not learning from your past mistakes

5. Stupidity is doing it more than once

6. Idiocy is not saying sorry

and Lunacy is thinking all is okay whilst repeating steps one through six in any order.

Do not put yourself down - there are more than enough people willing to do this for you
nor be your own judge - for it stands to follow that you must then become the executioner
and no matter what you do as judge and executioner you are pretty much damned -
you must pass judgement and you must punish - a spiral that has no merit or good in it.
It is a sad fact that there are many that will gladly make you feel bad about yourself
pointing out your flaws, cracks and faults - all the while feeling better about themselves
while there are few who will sincerely praise you for being the special person you are
all the time encouraging you to be happy and positive about today, tomorrow and yourself

The choice is always there and it is always yours to make
in ways it is an easy choice to make and yet in ways it is the hardest
easy because there is only two - to choose or not
hard because it seems to fly in the face of the norm
like swimming head on into an oncoming tidal wave
everything is pushing you in the oppostie direction you have chosen to go
wouldnt it be so much easier to just go with the flow?
easier perhaps
happier.....

In all of us there is a light - people call it soul, god, love, instinct, positivity
i call it me - the power of me
my soul, my god, my love, my instinct, my positivity
my choice
me
This light shines in you and it is for you to choose how brightly or dimly it burns
the judge and executioner would have it burn hardly at all
for the less you make of your self the less there is to pass judgement on, the less you can be punished for
Those that put you down do so in order to steal this light from you
not to add it to theirs but to keep you from revealing them to themselves
The tidal wave would have it swamped and put out all together
for if you have a light in you it may show others the way through
if you hold the power of your own self and choose for it to burn brightly with in
then you can turn back the tide
because only by being dimminished can others swamp you
or illness take hold of you

Your choice
I ask that you choose to hold the flame within and allow it to burn brightly
allow that power to fill you, to become you
allow it to radiate around you and encompass all within you
choose to make use of your positive, creative and healing energy
for that is what you are
a truly creative being full of soul, god, love, instinct and positivity

be true to yourself
take comfort and strength in knowing
you have the power
for you are the light